Update -Terminally ill dog and need to get DH to agree its time...

[Josette]

We have an elderly pom mix approx age 16 who was a rescue we got 14 years ago. Over the years, he has had his share of medical problems with 2 bladder surgeries for stones and more recent (2 years ago) an adenoma removed from rectum. He has had a cough dx as collapsing trachea the past 3 years and it has gotten progressively worse. We took him to the ER yesterday for cough relief and a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. It revealed a 4 cm mass in his lungs. Vet said this is 90% chance of being cancerous and from my research is likely mets spread from a primary cancer some where else in his body. It is time to let go. DH is trying to hang on and drag out this process and it is not good for anyone. I just made an appt with an oncologist in hopes of convincing DH how terminal this situation is and it will not improve his QOL with drugs. His appetite is poor due to antibiotics and cough medication. I see he is slipping away but must get okay from DH to do what is right. When I bring up the topic he doesn't want me to rush him..... Somehow I must convince him to let our dog go sooner than later.


UPDATE at end.

[Hayburner]

Your DH needs to take off the rosy glasses and really see how his dog has diminished - that his QOL is just not there anymore.

Is he hanging on so that he doesn't have to face taking him to the final vet appt? Is he afraid to let him go? Since the dog has been sickly for awhile, does he not remember what he looked like in better days?

We all need to let go on our own timeframe. Maybe just give your DH gentle reminders of the better days, and how now his dog is just surviving and not thriving. Not living the good life....Start asking what day of the week would be best to make a vet appt. I picked a Friday morning, so I had all week-end to suffer at home. After the day is picked - wait a week or so, then ask do you have Friday this month that you'd like the appt made? Tread lightly - letting go is hard and facing it is hard too..Hugs...

[Sunshine2Me]

My DH is the same way. He has a soft heart. He will not go with me when it is time. I go by myself, and I know that's the way it is going to be. I just make the appointment, and tell DH "I'm going to take Fido on Friday. It's not fair to make him suffer." He's okay with it, just doesn't want to be a part of it.

Yes, it sucks.

[MaryC]

Tread lightly - letting go is hard and facing it is hard too...

^^^^ He may need a little bit of time to come to terms, without the pressure of MAKEADECISIONSCHEDULETHEDATEDOITNOW!

We said goodbye to our dear 15 year old golden a year ago. I was ready 3-4 months before DH. It was time, and delaying presented management difficulties (lugging 80lbs of deaf, blind dog up and down the front steps in the snowiest winter in history was not a fun thing for anyone). But I let him take the lead. He wasn't in denial, he new the end game, he just wasn't ready to make the call. When he was ready, we said goodbye.

[fergusnc]

I am so sorry about your puppy. This must be so hard on both you and your DH.

I remember being at the ER vet pre-DH with my dog who had lymphoma. I had been at our regular vet 24 hours earlier, thinking it was time, being told pain meds were needed but it didn't seem to be the day, and we went home and had a wonderful night, full of fun and energy. Looking back, it may have been "the surge" if that phenomenon really does exist.

The next morning my dog was a mess, my vet was out of town and I talked by phone with his colleagues. Was it the meds? Was it the cancer? Did the meds need more time to work? I agonized and ended up at the ER. I will never forget what the ER vet said. She told me, "your dog is very sick. How he is right now is the best he will ever feel/act/be for the rest of his life. Are you OK with how he is doing right now in this moment?" I told her of course not, and she told me I had my answer. I needed that unbiased person to tell me that the new drugs weren't the cause nor the solution, and that let me know what to do. I told DH that story early on, and we have put two pets to sleep in our 4.5 years of marriage. Each time he has relayed that story to the vet we are visiting, and asks them to apply it to the situation of the pet we are there with. It helps him, even though ultimately he has said that I am in charge of all medical decisions with the animals and he trusts me 100% to do right by them. I think going to the specialist is a great idea to allow your hubby to ask what he needs to ask and hear an impartial opinion on QOL.

Peace and comfort to your pup and his humans.

[Josette]

I was ready yesterday when we were in the vet facility. There is no way DH would allow me to take our dog without him as they are best buddies. I got the dog 14 years ago but he picked DH as his person. To make matters worse we made vacation reservations a few months ago for mid-Sept trip and to board our 2 dogs at Vet Hospital. So much stress to leave this poor dog now that he has suddenly declined. I hate this situation and I hate the timing which is never good.

He has had diarrhea twice today and I managed to get him to eat some plain chicken. He can get up and move about a short distance but this is not QOL and will only get worse - - probably from current meds being given. Now I am unable to get through to Vet office as no one answers phone. They are probably swamped being Monday - - this is one of the largest Vet hospitals in the state. I hope if I can get DH to speak to an oncologist they will be honest about QOL and not just want to make money.......

[piedmontfields]

You need to let your dog go before you leave him when you travel. Do the right thing.

My DH struggles with these end of life for pets decisions, too. He jokes that I will also arrange to have *him* put down a week early instead of a day late.

[Josette]

I absolutely agree. Appt made to meet with Onc on Friday morning. I already told vet hospital that I will not do chemo and this appt is to discuss the terminal reality with DH. Get him to understand the progression details. I want this to be a good ending and not a bad one.

[Suzon]

Please explain to your DH, it's HIS problem he needs to deal with. The dog would find a welcome relief in death and asking him to suffer because you're husband is not ready to let go is just not fair to the dog. Don't mean to sound harsh, but the dog has cancer, he's barely getting around, barely eating. He is not looking forward to tomorrow, he's just getting through moment by moment. If your DH loves the dog he will suck it up and let him go.

[Sunshine2Me]

{{Hugs}} to you Josette. No matter the circumstance, it's never easy.

[Flight]

It's so hard isn't it
I had my pom put down earlier this year because of her collapsing trachea. You might need to just book in with your vet to have it done, and hopefully he will accept it.

[heddylamar]

Would he make an honest pro v. con list?

I keep a running list in mind when dealing with our oldsters (and use hubby as a sounding board). When the cons start outweighing the pros it's time. And, I can justify the decision later when I inevitably start second guessing the decision.

For example, our sweet piggy's list started out: (pro) running, playing, chirping, excited about food, purring when held, cuddly (con) malignant neurofibroma sarcoma, growing lump in abdomen, napping.

We euthanized her at: (pro) chirping, happy about food, purring when held, cuddly (con) malignant neurofibroma sarcoma, huge lump in abdomen, congested breathing (ongoing for her lifetime), sleeping all day, sedentary, very reduced appetite (extremely dangerous for piggies), cuddly (no movement required).

I wish your dog a safe journey.

[Josette]

Thank you all for your wisdom. DH came home early and was open to discussion. He is accepting the situation. He said just wants to wait a little as our dog is comfortable and the cough medication has greatly helped. He understands their time together is short and I am very clear about a good stress free end. We are closely monitoring Duffy but at least now everyone can get some sleep from the cough relief.

[exploding pony]

I am so very sorry. We put down my kitty about two weeks ago after a short, awful battle with a bone tumor in her mouth. The decline was unbelievably fast - two months.

I talked to DH about it for several days when I knew it was time. He needed me to make the decision for us. It was the right time, I made the decision and we took her right then to the ER.

Sometimes you need to compassionately, quietly make the decision so that he doesn't have to.

[piedmontfields]

Hugs to you all.

[KathyK]

I'm glad your sweet dog is comfortable, and that DH is accepting the sad situation. More hugs to all of you.

[Hayburner]

I could never not be without my pet when I make the decision to let them go. When I did it with my last two dogs - it gave me a sense of closeness and comfort for me and the dog. I had family and friends that offered to come with me, they knew I would be a mess, but I didn't' want anyone with us. I wanted that last and final connection with no distractions. Just me comforting and loving to the last second...letting them feel the care and love I had for them.

I too would suggest before your vacation, your DH lets go. I would rather be with my dog in the end, than to come back from my vacation to hear that he passed alone in a strange place and I was not there for him in the end. I let him down...Since you are not going until mid-Sept. your DH has time to make the best of the final days...

I'm sorry for both of you..

[fergusnc]

Thinking of you, your DH and of course sweet Duffy this morning as you go to your appointment. I hope the Oncologist's words are what you and your DH need to hear and help you in your remaining time with your puppy. Many hugs.

[Josette]

We just returned from the Oncologist who confirmed it is not metastatic (multiple tumors in lungs) but a single primary lung adenocarcinoma. We discussed progression and signs so we know when to PTS. Duffy is stable, eating well, sleeping with minimal cough episodes. Going up/down stairs still faster than me. The cough medication greatly improved QOL for him and us. Vet said they have a Westie similar to Duffy dx the same elderly age and so far he has lasted a year. All is unknown without knowing the aggressiveness of the tumor. (We have no idea how long or when it appeared and will not any invasive procedures.) We agreed to repeat chest x-ray in 3 months provided he is stable with no progressive breathing difficulty. Any signs of breathing distress and we will PTS. DH on board and this meeting helped him understand the dx. Thank you for your support.

[fergusnc]

Sounds like a very protective appointment...glad it was helpful. And glad the cough meds helped Duffy so much!

[Sunshine2Me]

I'm glad you have some good answers and information, so you can make good decisions!

[Josette]

We helped our beloved Duffy pass this morning due to complications from collapsing larynx and difficulty breathing. He had been stable on medications was eating, alert and comfortable then he suddenly declined. The cough became more chronic and we knew it was time.

[Chisamba]

I am sorry for your loss. I am glad you were able to get a little more time with Duffy before you helped him let go of his pain.

[PaulaO]

I'm sorry for your loss. I know you have a Duffy size hole in your heart. Sending hugs.

[Flight]

So sorry So sad. Hugs.

[Sunshine2Me]

I'm sorry for your loss. Bless you for taking on his pain and helping him cross.

[LeoApp]

I am sorry for your loss. You guys had another couple of good months with him. (((hugs)))

[boots-aregard]

Thanks for the update, Josette. I hope very much that your husband is at peace with the decisions made. Sympathies.

[Tarlo Farm]

You did well by that dog. Hugs to you and DH

[Hayburner]

Hugs to you and your DH. It's so hard to let them go, the relief comes when you know you did the right thing for Duffy.

[Josette]

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0xavd ... sp=sharing

Thank you so much. We really miss Duffy. This is him about 3 weeks ago with Sparky who really misses his buddy too.....

[demi]

What a precious picture. Hugs to you and your DH and Sparky.

[KathyK]

Aww, he was adorable. It doesn't matter how much time we have with them, it's never enough. (((Joseette)))