The carousel never stops turning.

[Linden16]

So I had to take a big step back again, a step so far back from everything that made me happy before, because I just didn't know how to be that person. I'm still learning how to be her again.

So the last time I reached out to you, my friends here, my mom had died and I had just had a second knee reconstruction for bilaterally dislocating patellar issues on my left knee (the mounting knee!). I was again definitively instructed by my surgeons that if I rode again, like I did after the first knee repair, I would destroy the cadaver grafts that were screwed into either side of my femur, anchored into my patella, and there would be no third time lucky. There's way too much damage already from the 13 years of dislocations. So, no riding, and I would have a fully functional knee. I want to go back to that time. That was 7 months ago..

I was still processing that, and then after 3 months later I feel a pop, it blows up and starts dislocating. I don't need an MRI to tell me that the grafts have failed. I didn't even sit on a horse. So, at least now I can ride, as riding feels much nicer than walking or anything else!

Just starting to try to get through mom's passing, i choose not to celebrate Christmas this year, I honestly don't have joy or peace or happiness in. Y heart this year. Mom was the gift giver, the decorator, the baker etc. She made us girls love the holidays. And I don't have kids so I can get away with avoiding Christmas for a year. Plus, I was very upset with my father about the whole situation and how mom's life was for the last cloudless years, and although I did call in the fall a few times, around Christmas and on his birthday, he never picked up and his answering machine was always full. He often forgets to charge the phones so it wasn't a shock. I am not sure if I really want him to pick up or not..

So in February I moved down to the coast where I grew up, there is less snow and I have a ton of family still here. About three weeks ago, my cell phone stops charging and we have a massive snowstorm and no tractor to dig out the driveway. I start to get this really eerie feeling that my dad is in trouble. I feel it on a Saturday afternoon all of a sudden, all night, all Sunday morning, getting worse and worse. My roommate who doesn't know any of my friends or family sees a message on Facebook from my sister (we are friends on Facebook and my sister tagged me in a message saying "does anyone know how to contact my sister? I can't get ahold of her?")

so I use roommates phone to call and sure enough, dad had died of a brain aneurysm on Saturday, the day before. Alone. Just like mom had her massive heart attack alone, 12 hours unable to get help before he found her, and 7 hours later being transported from one er to the next she passed in the ambulance after none of us were allowed to see her at all.

And four days ago my closest uncle, mom's brother, who I lived with for several years, passed away after being diagnosed with cancer last Friday. He died the following Monday. 3 days!

So just a trashcan fire of a year. Hug your loved ones

❤️

[Tuffytown]

Aw Linden, What a litany of sadness and disappointment. I am so sorry for all your losses, particularly in such a short time. Wish there was something I could do other than sending you some internet hugs.

You have crossed my mind several times over the last few months and I have wondered how you were. You were missed.

[orono]

I'm so sorry Linden. I hope you have a good support system nearby. Sounds like a horrible year. Hugs.

[Linden16]

Thanks guys. It really has clarified my priorities. Family, spending time with my many many loving family members, and lifelong horse friends, working at what I love to do in the veterinary medicine world, only as much as I can handle, investing as much as I can and should, and making sure I am doing what makes me happy. Life is so, so short. My parents had just retired 2 years ago, then only 1 year ago sold out family home, moved up province to be closer to us girls, inherited the family money, but were so sick the entire time never got to enjoy a dime, or spend a single weekend with us kids or their little grandkids before passing away. You never know how much time you have. I have been painful and stop/start all my life. Now I am able to purchase a rental property, have someone pay my mortgage, so I've just acquired several horses and a Bloomer, my work schedule is very accommodating (4-10hr shifts rotating day/evening/grave) and I can take leaves as often as I need since it's such a huge hospital.

Being happy and feeling fulfilled needs to be a priority. I hope even during sad times, everyone remembers that that is an important goal for your own life.

[Tarlo Farm]

Holy crap! That's a few years of tragedy in a short time! Hugs to you, thanks for sharing with us.

What's a Bloomer?

[Anne]

Oh Linden, sincerest condolences. You sound like such a strong person. I hope the horses bring you happiness, and good luck for your knee settling down.

[Flight]

I was wondering how you've been. Sorry to hear it's been so rough, and sorry to hear about your dad's passing. Life is very short and things can change in a split second. Hope things continue to get better for you to enjoy this time we have here.

[Josette]

I'm so for your losses. That is a lot of sadness in a short time along with your own health problems. I too agree that life can change in a split second and we need to enjoy and appreciate the present. Hope your new property and horses bring you much needed happiness. Yes - what's a Bloomer?

[KathyK]

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent spate of heartache. Wishing you a large dose of peace and serenity as the year progresses.

[Linden16]

Thanks everyone. We have all had a lot of heartbreaking things, the community of us here. It's incredibly strengthening. And sad.

A Bloomer is a luxury custom living quarter horse trailer. I bought a (second hand) 4h.

[Koolkat]

Update on that handsome GSD, please!

[calvin]

We have collectively missed you, Linden, and send you heartfelt jingles for positive changes. It is your turn for some. Your outlook and priorities are commendable, and it is important to figure out earlier (and not later) what is important in life. You have done so.

Now, I echo the request for an update WITH photos of the gorgeous GSD!

[Linden16]

Oh the D'Jangorilla is my rock. He's seriously the light of my life...I am entirely convinced he was meant to be here for me to help me through the worst years anyone could have imagined for a 30 yr old. He's silly and loud and laughey and perfect.

[Amado]

Wow, Linden - you've been through SO much. I am so sorry. Really good to see you back here.

[orono]

So glad you have a property, a great job and some horses!! Would love to hear more about them when you can.

[Linden16]

I'm happy talking about happy things

I bought a 171cm (so far!) 2014 Etoile x Schumacher mare (Don Schufro/Rubinstein X Stedinger/Weltmeyer) she's in holland. She ships in a week or two

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and

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[Linden16]

And then I bought a 2013 Ehrenstolz x Magnum mare, much smaller 163 cm right now. She's much less hot and spicy than the black mare.

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[musical comedy]

Sorry to hear of all your bad news, but congratuations on a bright looking future. Horses look awesome.

I am confused about the knee though. In your first post you talk about how if you messed up the graft it would be bad news. Then you say you did blow it, but now you can ride. Be careful on those young-uns.

Did you buy a home or condo, too?

[Kelo]

Sorry for your tough times, that is a lot to struggle with and I wish you the best.

Your new horses look amazing though!

[Linden16]

Sorry to hear of all your bad news, but congratuations on a bright looking future. Horses look awesome.

I am confused about the knee though. In your first post you talk about how if you messed up the graft it would be bad news. Then you say you did blow it, but now you can ride. Be careful on those young-uns.

Did you buy a home or condo, too?

My grafts were put in to stabilize my patella so it doesn't dislocate. I have a really good low profile DonJoy Reaction brace that I wear now 24/7 instead, it does about 75% of what the reconstruction was supposed to do. Riding was never the problem, it's walking and sleeping that dislocate my knee, anything that I am on my feet or have pressure directly onto the surface of my kneecap so it has to deviate side to side that causes pain and swelling. The brace helps keep it stable.

I'm safer in the saddle than on my feet.

And yes, I have trained way too many YH to have an ego, I have a great group of trainers to help ride, I no longer sit on them if I have any fear or doubt or anything. Life is precious, but also short. I've learned a lot.

And yes, I'm just searching for the right condo to purchase as a rental income unit. My investments are working hard as well, I'm not planning on spending over 15% of the principal. Plus I still work full time.

Thanks everyone, dad's funeral is in 4 weeks, lots of planning for that, I'm sure he would be happy with how his family and friends are coming together.

[orono]

Stunning mares, congratulations!

[Linden16]

Thanks I have high hopes. I also bought a flip horse, a Brentano II gelding, 2nd level, for me to ride and enjoy for a bit and to put changes on and then resell. Came with new custom tack and was very low priced so was a great pickup. Black, pretty, 16hh. Very friendly.

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[Baroque]

So sorry for your losses and for having such an awful year. It was pretty bad for me too and I was very pleased to see the back of it.

Congratulations on your lovely horses, I hope you have lots of fun working with them!

[Moutaineer]

What a tough rollercoaster. I hope things are turning for the better for you.

[Linden16]

Sorry to hear Baroque. Hugs to you XO

I am so happy to hear from you guys again. It feels good

[Josette]

Enjoy and Congratulations on your horses. You picked some beauties. I especially like that black horse.

[ThursdayNext]

Linden, it's good to see you! You've had a heartbreaking year. I'm so sorry for your losses.

Horses are good for the soul, aren't they? They help knit us back together in the torn and broken places. It's good your job and inheritance are serving you well. Keep healing. I hope you and your loved ones are able to celebrate your mom and dad next Christmas.