Moving forward after an SO's family member is less than polite

[Racetrackreject]

My SO's youngest sister was married this past weekend. While I knew 2 of his sisters already and get along with them very well, I had not met his oldest sister (younger than him but oldest of the 3). When the youngest sister introduced us at the rehearsal dinner, what proceeded was not nice, nor welcoming in any way. After she walked off, the youngest sister commented that it was the most awkward situation she had ever seen and the bridesmaids were left with their mouths hanging open.
The older sister then scooped up her brother, who barely had time to come say goodbye to me before she swept him out of the door.
I didn't say anything that night, just let it go, but by the morning I wasn't really up for attending the wedding at all. SO and I spoke, then when we hung up, he texted to ask if I was ok. I was not and briefly ran down what had happened the night before. He texted back that he was going to take care of it right then and for me not to be upset by that *****. I asked him not to say anything because it was his youngest sister's day and there didn't need to be any drama on her day. He did not respond.
At the church, I had to be there early with the bride and bridal party, but SO did come and check on me, asked if I was ok, etc. I didn't bring up the other sister, but it was brought up by the bridesmaids while we were in the bride's room getting ready. While I had considered that maybe I had overreacted, the members of the bridal party said that they couldn't believe I had been so calm, so I don't think that I was overreacting.
The older sister came to the wedding later and was polite to me when we had to interact, but she never spoke to her brother at all. This made me think that he had, in fact, said something to her before the wedding as by his accounts, they are fairly close.

I don't really know how to go on from here. This sister has moved back home and now lives right down the road from SO, and she relies on him heavily to help her with things. I don't really think there is any way to avoid her, and I'm not sure that is the best course of action anyway. Do I just speak when it's required, or do I try to act like nothing ever happened? I don't feel that she is the sort you can sit down with and have a rational discussion about what happened because she's very aggressive and defensive. I'm having a bit of anxiety about seeing her again because they are a close family and I think that any discord would be noticeable.

Any advice??

[orono]

Just to recap, you hadn't met the older sister until the wedding, where she was a total b*tch. But now she lives down the road from your SO? Do you & SO live together?

[Racetrackreject]

The older sister lived away, but moved back 2 days before the wedding. She now lives with SO's mother (her mother), which is just down the road from SO.

SO and I do not live together; we see each other multiple times a week, and live about an hour apart.

[orono]

Oh ok. Are you at his place often?

[Racetrackreject]

I'm at SO's house 1 to 3 times a week, generally. My adult autistic brother lives with me and it's less upsetting to him if I go there; doesn't interrupt his routine. SO comes here almost every Tuesday, but doesn't stay over.

[Josette]

I would really try hard to put it behind you. She is the one with the issues - not you. She was having a really bad day. Why - who knows? She moved back in with her mother and is trying to sort out her own personal problems. She never met you before and for what ever reason(s) needed a target. Your SO sounds like a wonderful considerate person. Let him deal with her. In the future - be polite and as they say take the high road. Make like water running off a duck.

[orono]

Agree, I wouldn't worry about it. Hopefully your time with SO can be just that, and not involve his family - regardless of physical proximity.

[heddylamar]

Let SO deal with oldest sister directly.

As for you, only discuss with SO, not other members of his family; don't let it become a clique-ish thing. And continue being calm and aloof to oldest sister -- lack of reaction is infuriating to someone who creates drama and pokes. She may continue escalating, which will reflect badly on her. Or, she may take the hint and move on to another target who will give her an audience and drama.

[ThursdayNext]

Well, that was hurtful ... and confusing. :-/ I'm sorry. Overall, your relationship with your SO and the rest of his family sounds pretty good. I would give it some time. ... Take care of your heart.

Moving back home with a parent certainly signals some kind of failure to launch or at the very least she must be going through her own disappointments/confusion. Why is it weddings can bring out the worst in people? Sounds like your SO talked to her, which signals he's supportive and worth being in a relationship with. Maybe she'll come around as she straightens out her life. We hope. ...

[Racetrackreject]

Thank you for the responses.

My gut said to be cool and aloof, but I was afraid of how the family would take the aloof part. They are all quite close and I'm afraid that perceived tension would look bad on my part.
It's sort of hard to explain the dynamics of the family. They are a rural family where most of the members still live in the small community where they grew up. They have dinner together at least once a week and some of the smaller groups get-together more times during the week. It's not unusual for the sisters to stop by SO's house almost every day. SO is also the only man of the family that is capable of fixing things and helping out with certain things. He mows Gran's yard, helps Nanny make sausage, fixes oldest sister's truck, builds things for middle sister, gets on younger sister's horse when she's worried he might act up, etc.
The older sister left a relationship and that is why she is back at home. From what SO has told me, this is something she does from time to time and he has reservations about her being back for good, but they are glad that she's home for now.

I really need to avoid falling into the clique-ish discussions. That's a very good point. The youngest sister and I are very close, and we have discussed the oldest sister a few times, but that needs to stop.

Yes, my SO is incredibly sweet and just a good man. He's not the guy who's going to send you flowers and love notes, but he's the guy who will make sure you have good tires on your truck and trailer, that sharpens all of the knives in the house when you comment that you don't have one sharp enough to cut prime rib (and leaves reminder notes that the knives are now sharp, so be careful when using them lol), and takes care of my mother's to-do list. I used to get frustrated because we would have plans, then he would call and say "Pawpaw called and he has his tractor stuck out in the woods. I need go help him get it back home.", but when I really thought about it, there are so many worse things he could be doing other than helping his grandfather. Who can get mad at someone for helping their grandfather anyway? lol

[TeresaA]

Given that you said that she is not the type of person you can have a discussion with to hash it out I would put it behind me and act like it's all normal. Pretend you just met her. If she does it again I would address it directly (but I'm like that). Not in a confrontational way but along the lines of 'it seems that you have a problem with me. Can we talk about it so that we can have a easier relationship?' Otherwise the fight will just grow and became REALLY awkward.

oh and you S.O. may have said something or someone else might have. I wouldn't worry about it.

[Rockabilly]

Well, I'm wondering the age of everyone because it seems so immature and I'm not speaking of you Racetrackreject. Is this a serious relationship? I'm wondering (from my own experience) because things like this don't tend to get any better. The sister sounds like a jealous piece of work who could make your relationship difficult, but perhaps your SO will stand up for you and put you first as he should. Also, you may know this, but these kind of communities and families are very clannish. Very difficult to break into, if ever. However; I am speaking from my own experience where I never fit into my husband's family. The first time I met my future mother-in-law she said to me "You're not good enough for my son" and things went downhill from there.

[Racetrackreject]

Well, I'm wondering the age of everyone because it seems so immature and I'm not speaking of you Racetrackreject. Is this a serious relationship? I'm wondering (from my own experience) because things like this don't tend to get any better. The sister sounds like a jealous piece of work who could make your relationship difficult, but perhaps your SO will stand up for you and put you first as he should. Also, you may know this, but these kind of communities and families are very clannish. Very difficult to break into, if ever. However; I am speaking from my own experience where I never fit into my husband's family. The first time I met my future mother-in-law she said to me "You're not good enough for my son" and things went downhill from there.

The oldest sister is 30 and she is his only full sister, the other 2 are a half and step. All of the sisters are younger than my SO, who I've been going out with for about 5 months. We were introduced by our mutual best friend (his cousin) a few months after I broke off my engagement, at my SO's request.

I do know exactly what you are talking about with these types of families, and I did worry about that. Having said that, his family has been very welcoming to me and they all seem to like me very much, which is why the thing with the sister caught me so off-guard. His mother tells me that he's "smitten", and other families members have all commented on how SO has changed for the better since he met me. I don't really know how, it's not like I've changed him any, but they like this change that they say they have seen in him. To be honest, his previous relationship lasted almost 10 years and I get the idea that the family was not crazy about her. He hadn't dated anyone in almost 2 years (since the breakup) when I was introduced to him. I think the family could just be excited that he's dating again..lol. They often comment on how good I am to SO and how patient I am with him and thank me for being so good and patient with him which makes me think maybe the ex wasn't so good to him.

I really feel, now, that he will stand up for me. I was worried when I first told him about what had happened, that he would tell me that she's his sister and we would have to work it out ourselves, but he didn't.

I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with that. Having a situation like with your MIL was my big fear once SO started talking about his family and I realized just how close they were. How did you end up dealing with it?

[Rockabilly]

From my lifetime of experience what you're saying makes me nervous. What his family said about him would put me on alert. If I were you I would take it slow and easy and see how everything sifts out. I think that's what you're doing, but I just had to say it because I would hate for you to get caught in a situation that causes you so much grief.

My husband cut his family off years ago because he said he wasn't going to live that way. He was speaking of their mean-spirited treatment of me and other things. We have been married a long, long time and throughout it all have had little contact with his family. His mother was so mean and hateful to me and chose her 2 daughters over any relationship with her son because she was so bitter. His mother is old and alone now. Sometimes I drive past her house and she is always alone. I tell my husband it didn't have to be this way because I would have helped her in her old age, but he says it did have to be this way because of who she is.

I think what I'm trying to say is don't open your heart to be broken, but be open-minded and careful about who receives your love.

[Tarlo Farm]

Nice Rockabilly. Really thoughtful and caring.

[Racetrackreject]

Thank you. Yes, everything is going to be done slowly, a glacial pace even. I feel like parts of his family are pushing for more, faster, but he's not the sort you can rush.

[Tabby]

Every family has piles of dirty laundry that they keep to themselves. They aren't likely to share that with someone that one family member has been dating only 5 months. Especially a close-knit family. You can't really know what that oldest sister is truly like or if her behavior was typical for her or not. It might have just been because she's just ended a relationship - that can be very painful and people going through that might lash out in inappropriate ways. There's a lot going on that you aren't privy to. And that's fairly normal. Most people don't like to broadcast their shortcomings. You are still way too new to the family dynamic to be brought completely into the fold. Taking it slow is the best thing you can do - both for yourself and for respect of the family who may still feel they risk embarrassment. Your SO sounds like a great guy and chances are his family is a good family as well. Be respectful and take the high road as others have advised. For all you know the sister is a royal b*+ch or maybe she was just going through a rough time and this behavior is unusual for her. You don't really know at this stage of your relationship so give her the benefit of the doubt for now but remain cautious just in case. Families can be very complex and are probably the hardest part about long term relationships.

[orono]

Wise words Tabby.

[Racetrackreject]

Every family has piles of dirty laundry that they keep to themselves. They aren't likely to share that with someone that one family member has been dating only 5 months. Especially a close-knit family. You can't really know what that oldest sister is truly like or if her behavior was typical for her or not. It might have just been because she's just ended a relationship - that can be very painful and people going through that might lash out in inappropriate ways. There's a lot going on that you aren't privy to. And that's fairly normal. Most people don't like to broadcast their shortcomings. You are still way too new to the family dynamic to be brought completely into the fold. Taking it slow is the best thing you can do - both for yourself and for respect of the family who may still feel they risk embarrassment. Your SO sounds like a great guy and chances are his family is a good family as well. Be respectful and take the high road as others have advised. For all you know the sister is a royal b*+ch or maybe she was just going through a rough time and this behavior is unusual for her. You don't really know at this stage of your relationship so give her the benefit of the doubt for now but remain cautious just in case. Families can be very complex and are probably the hardest part about long term relationships.

Excellent advice here too. Thank you so much.