Advise/Opinions please

[Saddlebum]

Very close friend and I exchange B-day and X-mas gifts each year. She seems to always spend more than me on her gifts to me but I always justify it because she make a lot more money than I do (I'm close to the poverty line). And it's not a whole lot more than I spend on her ($10-20) so it's never been an issue till now.

This year for my B-day, she's spending at least $60 more on me than I on her. I've already given her hers'. Mine is coming up in May and she had to tell me as we are doing a Webinar together and she has paid for it and said, "Happy B-Day" referring to my half.

What to do.

[WheresMyWhite]

Say thank you?

If she is truly a good and close friend and she knew roughly what you spent on her gift and that your income is less than hers and she gave you something that would be a stretch for you to afford financially, accept it and be grateful that you have such a good friend.

I doubt she is trying to make you feel bad that you can't match her dollar for dollar. It can be hard to swallow one's pride at time, but if I were in your shoes, thank her and maybe follow up with a small baked gift... cookies, brownies, something inexpensive and less "gifty"

[Josette]

Totally agree with everything WheresMyWhite said. It makes her happy giving you something you may not get or do for yourself.

[galopp]

Agree with thank you. My daughter often makes gifts, it's the thought behind the gifts. Enjoy the webinar.

[Saddlebum]

Ok, thanks everyone for the wonderful and helpful advice. I'm going to contribute to the cause to bring the amount to what I spent on her. She knows roughly what that is and I did talk with her tonight.

We help one another out with house projects and either we reciprocate with a project or with food. She's very level headed and is going to accept my contribution.

It's truly not about the $ but the thought. This time, it's nearly double and I know so "I" will feel better.

[justtheticket]

Has she ever made any comments to make you think that she cares about the cost difference in gifts? If not, just take her gifts with a thank you. If she has said something, she's not really a good friend, huh? I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds like she doesn't care, and she just gave a gift she thought you'd enjoy.

[WheresMyWhite]

Saddlebum, glad you came up with a solution that helps you feel better which is important as well.

[Chisamba]

I don't understand keeping score. I couldn't tell you what I spent of friends gifts and have no idea at all on what they spent on mine.

It really is the thought and care that counts, Imho.

[Saddlebum]

You're right. My family brought me up to spend equal amts on one another. It was all about the money and I find it hard not to take that into consideration. Thanks Chisamba for restating as I need to take it into consideration. Giving a gift to someone and then being told it's too much takes the joy out of it.

I will remember that!

[WheresMyWhite]

Saddlebum, also remember, at least for me, the gift is in the giving and not the dollar value of the gift.

That's why I suggested baking something... a gift from the heart that doesn't really equate to $.

When it's been something like a wedding gift or similar, I might keep in mind value but also that what I can or choose to afford to spend may be more or less than other gifts received as well as more or less than the recipient.

When it is a good friend, $ shouldn't matter. Would I consistently give over the top pricy gifts to my good friend who has a much more limited income, no. I would realize that is putting my friend in potentially an uncomfortable spot. But occasionally, it is so nice to treat someone to something they can't afford or wouldn't choose to spend limited income on.

I know if I'd done what your friend did, I'd be left with a such a good feeling that I *could* do something like this for a good friend. My only thanks would be your pleasure and enjoyment in the webinar and being able to share it with you during and after.

Sometimes what we learned growing up as hard and fast rules do need to be tempered by circumstances. Much easier as parents and children to teach the hard and fast and learn flexibility as one ages and grows

[Saddlebum]

I know, but at times, fighting the programming is difficult. She bought me a microwave for x-mas which was really nice on her part. I had been 2 years without one and had gotten used to it. She finally got tired of heating her dinners up on or in the range, hehehe. We take turns doing dinner once a week here.

Well, going through difficult family times right now and that also contributed to my not thinking more clearly about the gift from the heart. Thank You!

[Chancellor]

I don't understand keeping score. I couldn't tell you what I spent of friends gifts and have no idea at all on what they spent on mine.

It really is the thought and care that counts, Imho.

I totally agree. I don't keep score when gifting. I make a lot more money than most of my friends. And I don't feel like they aren't "pulling their share" ever!

[Srhorselady]

I can relate from the opposite side. I have a very close friend who is going through a period of financial hardship. In comparison I am relatively comfortable. She is always stopping by to give me portion of something she has cooked or help with my stall mucking. She is so thoughtful. She loves to help her friends. Recently another friend gifted her with a vacation as her companion on a short cruise to repay her for taking care of her horse while she was out of town and as a birthday gift. My friend is so excited but is also worried about the cost of trip incidentals. Anyway I gave her enough $$$ for her birthday to cover the incidentals. She started to cry. Anyway the point is that this made ME feel so good to be able to do something to make a Good friend happy and hopefully really enjoy her vacation treat. Gift giving makes the giver feel good. There is no need to feel you have to match. However if it does make you uncomfortable then you definitely did the right thing in balancing your friend's gift.

[Flight]

I'm one that feels a bit uncomfortable with uneven gift costs. My boyfriend always spends more on presents for me on birthday/xmas, than I do on him. Mostly because I have an easy interest to spend $ on and I have trouble thinking up things to give him!
Anyway, he is fine with it and I do dumb things like cook him a bday cake (I NEVER cook and hate doing it, so he appreciated my effort) to try and even it up, and I just have to gracefully accept that it is what he wants to do. If they are a true friend, they will be happy doing this for you.

[Hayburner]

Don't fret over this - apparently, what she buys for you is what she knows you will appreciate and like/need - so that makes her happy .
I have a friend that I buy more expensive gifts for than what she spends on me. I buy them because I know she'd like it and she doesn't get out to shop much. I do not like when she comments - oh, I hope you didn't spend a lot on this.

[Saddlebum]

Thanks.

[KathyK]

Like Srhorselady, I have a friend who is going through hard times. When my birthday came around, she gave me a Starbucks gift card in a fairly small amount. It was as sweet and meaningful a gift as I've ever gotten. If you're truly worried about the disparity, Saddelbum, perhaps there are non-monetary ways you can make up the perceived difference throughout the year.

[angela9823]

Agreed with what the others said. The person that spends more could just not be great at gift giving and therefore don't have the ability to think outside the box on a small item the other would treasure. I'm totally describing myself! I make more money than a couple of friends but I also work more (longer hours and trimming too). I don't put the time/effort into getting the thoughtful gifts that people treasure. Instead, I buy higher dollar items I know they need. I've bought a $250 item for a friend for Christmas and that year she bought me an item that was $20. But I probably treasured my present more because she thought so long and hard on finding me just the right gift. That is all that matters. Your friend does what she feels capable of doing and you do as well. Just spend more time/effort on getting something thoughtful than on spending more money.

I tell people all the time, my two most treasured items are a $1 magnet my husband bought me for our first Christmas. The second is a (probably) $10 wooden statue he bought before we were married. It was the thoughts and words that came with those gifts that mean so much to me.

[Saddlebum]

Yes Angela9823, wonderful to be reminded of this and you put it so well. She is just too busy to pay attention and with her work schedule just no time at all.

Thanks Everyone!