Etiquette question, of sorts

[Sue B]

I have been using the same hair dresser for almost 30 years. When we started, her daughter was a toddler and son a baby; now they are grown with kids of their own. I have worked off and on for her and her husband (I am a vet) and even though they moved 40 miles away many years ago, I never had anyone else, ever, do my hair. She even travelled 100 miles to fix my hair for my wedding, and of course, we put her and her husband up in a really nice hotel and supplied them with golf passes as thanks for going so far out of her way to help me. All that said, we are not really friends though in the normal sense...we don't socialize or text or anything. We just catch up on each other's lives when I come in for my hair.

So, she just told me that her husband's 3yr battle with cancer has taken a bad turn and they are beginning to lose hope. I plan on dropping a really nice card off at her business the next time I'm in town but I also wanted to include some money or something. Would that be inappropriate? help me oh wise ddbb.

[KathyK]

I'm sorry to hear this. Even though you're not friends in the strict sense of the word, you have a long, close relationship.

I have to say I do think cash is inappropriate. I also think it would be nicer to mail a card to the home rather than dropping one off at her business.

Can you arrange for a meal or two to be delivered to their house?

[WheresMyWhite]

I'd be in line with KathyK

Card at home rather than salon.

Do you know what type of cancer he has? Maybe a contribution to that specific cancer "organization" in support of research, care, etc.

If you are comfortable, an offer (her call) of a shoulder to cry on, a hubby-sitting for her so she can get out and stop, for a short time, being a caregiver??

I think many little "things" that could be offered that are perhaps less than a "friend" but also more than "just" a service business client.

[PaulaO]

I totally agree with the above posts. And very good of you not to ignore this tough time.

[Chisamba]

I have often given and heard of gifts of cash at timesike this. I am in disagreement with the above. A visa gift card being. Most common. Anywhere from enough for two meals, gas for round trips to hospital, even hospital college pays can be covered with a gift card.

I am not sure if it's etiquette, but I know it is kind.

[piedmontfields]

I have only been with my hairdresser for a few years, but we have seen each other through tough times. I would do a hefty (100s of $) tip the next time you see her. And a nice card as soon as you can.

[chantal]

1. I think the gift is coming from you and should be what you want to give.

2. I think money could be very useful and in agreement with Chisamba. The first thing I thought of was dinner, or lunch or whatever they needed.

Funerals are crazy expensive.

I would have a huge question-mark over my head if someone gave a me a card saying they donated to a charity when I was on the front line dealing with cancer. That's not a gift, that's making a statement you (not the OP) want to make. Unless the person in need has made it clear that they need nothing and that's what's appropriate. How about a certificate for a housecleaning, and a plan to set it up if that's something that would be helpful? Something practical, it may not be that. Setting up meals for a group to take her, or maybe she's already supported. Planting flowers in her gardens? Getting a teenager to mow her lawn? Of course, money could help with all of these. Then again, those things may not matter to her at the moment.

You are thoughtful.

[Tarlo Farm]

I would send a card to home with a Visa gift card in it and a suggestion that they use it "to make your days more comfortable" Then they can choose what to do with it.

[Sue B]

Thank you for all the suggestions. Their son and his family moved close by so he has been helping with outdoor tasks like snow removal and lawns etc. I had planned on giving her like $100 (which is a lot in my world) and a note to spend it on something nice and that she should feel free to call when she needs to vent. Sick husbands (especially our manly man types we have here in rural Idaho, lol) are difficult to manage. Talk about mood swings!!!! It is so hard when you feel like strangling the guy you have loved for so many decades and at the same time, are heart-broken that he may not be around that much longer. My mom is an artist and so I have asked her to pick out a couple of her lovely little watercolors to use as cards that I can send.

Thank you again.

[WheresMyWhite]

Sue B.

I think a very nice strategy. Sometimes venting to someone not as close to situation helps. I love the idea of the handpicked watercolors for cards!

The house cleaning is also a good idea for when she just can't *manage* and a clean house would be a lift.

{{*}}

[chantal]

Good plan Sue. I'm sure as a man in Idaho it's hard on him too.

Cancer sucks!