Delayed grieving?

Tanker-yanker
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Delayed grieving?

Postby Tanker-yanker » Wed Sep 27, 2017 3:01 am

A well-known dressage person passed away a little over four years ago. I was at her place a few times and my brother dated/lived with her daughter for many years.

I went on a mental journey almost at the same time as her memorial. My journey has taken several years. I am just now coming out of it.

As of earlier this year, my brother is no longer living with her daughter. The last few days I have been very sad. All of a sudden I miss the inside of their house, the way it smelled, the location and spending the night. I sent her an email saying that I never told her goodbye (she lives about 100 miles from me) and I wished her the best. Have you gone through anything like this?

It has been over seven years since I have ridden and until this past weekend, it has not really bothered me. I am getting older and have not reached the equine goals I had wanted to as financially I have not done as well as I had hoped or wanted to. This morning I woke up and started a subscription to Dressage Today. I do not know what I am doing. Am I grieving her or horses or maybe both?

All day I saw myself taking lessons with her at her barn on the coast. At this moment, I cannot afford to take lessons with her or go to the coast. I do not want to be disappointed again, but I really would like to ride again and ride with a nice barn such as the one she has. My dog is old and is getting close to passing. She has to pass before I can move. I do not want her life to end. Ugh. I am a mess and I do not clearly know why.

Thanks for reading.

PaulaO
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Re: Delayed grieving?

Postby PaulaO » Wed Sep 27, 2017 3:16 pm

This happened to me a few years ago. A friend died from breast cancer. I hadn't seen her in a few years, but heard of her death through a mutual friend. Three years later I went through a period where I couldn't stop thinking about her. My therapist said it was grief. So yes, grief can be delayed.

Hayburner
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Re: Delayed grieving?

Postby Hayburner » Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:13 pm

It sounds like a lot has hit you at once. Maybe the thoughts of your dog passing is so on your mind that old memories of others passing is resurfacing.

Maybe a trip to a local farm/riding facility and volunteering a few hours a week just to be a part of the equine experience will get you up and out of this funk you are experiencing.

Your heart is longing for good things - feed your heart....

PaulaO
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Re: Delayed grieving?

Postby PaulaO » Wed Sep 27, 2017 5:29 pm

Volunteering is a slippery slope. I started out volunteering at a local rescue and now own Miss A., a chestnut TB mare who cribs.... :D Not that it's a bad thing. Volunteering was a way to discover how much involvement I wanted with horses.

boots-aregard
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Re: Delayed grieving?

Postby boots-aregard » Wed Sep 27, 2017 5:39 pm

Who do you have to comfort you?

I'm sorry -- you sound a bit lost right now. It's all very hard.

We can sometimes cling to what we used to want, what we thought we wanted, what we wanted forever. This is a trivial example, but it helped open my eyes. I was in Santa Fe with friends recently and we went to a western wear shop. I had seen a woman some 40-45 years ago with these fabulous tall western boots once. She told me they were "polo boots" but they were clearly a western style, not English polo boots. I've looked at, and drooled over, such boots for years and thought many times about finding a pair but never did. Money, availability, and the fact that I'm not a western-boot-wearing sort of person being the chief barriers. Well, in this store, there was a pair in grey leather that fit me wonderfully and were for sale for a very manageable amount. I tried them on, and walked around, and both of my friends suggested I buy them if they were something I'd wanted for years. Why not?

I didn't buy them. I realized when they were there, on my feet, that they were a want from a different time.

It sounds to me like some of the things stirring up in you right now are wants from a different time. They were lovely times, you greatly enjoyed the goals and experiences, you remember them with longing. But perhaps they aren't wants from *this* time?

When I had my horse property, I was an eventer, and my big goal was to compete at Prelim (it is always a little embarrassing to state that my goal was something that sounds like "beginner", isn't it? But Eventers know.) I never did compete there. Now, years later, I take lessons at a hunter barn and jump over 1.5- 2 feet once a week. I don't WANT to be an eventer now. I don't want to be a hunter now (I don't show). I don't even want the work of owning my own horse anymore, even though I did it for 20 years and it's practically ingrained. But I've figured out what's fun for me in this time.

I hope you can figure that out for you. I hope you have someone to talk to about your past and your now. Good luck to you.

Tanker-yanker
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Re: Delayed grieving?

Postby Tanker-yanker » Wed Sep 27, 2017 8:04 pm

Hayburner wrote:
Your heart is longing for good things - feed your heart....

Yes!! I want to feed my heart.

Tanker-yanker
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Re: Delayed grieving?

Postby Tanker-yanker » Wed Sep 27, 2017 8:09 pm

boots-aregard wrote:


I don't even want the work of owning my own horse anymore, even though I did it for 20 years and it's practically ingrained.


I have gone through this phase. Divorced and sold the horses and the property. It has been 20 years since I have owned a horse. I don't think I ever said I would not have one again. I have been hiking, riding bikes, exploring etc...

You made me kind of angry about not wanting horses anymore. Maybe that is a sign that this IS what I want now. I honestly cannot think of what I would do with my time other than exploring horses again. Just start off slow with a few lessons and clean a few stalls....

Hayburner
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Re: Delayed grieving?

Postby Hayburner » Sat Sep 30, 2017 12:46 am

How are you feeling today?

Tanker-yanker
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Re: Delayed grieving?

Postby Tanker-yanker » Sat Sep 30, 2017 3:36 pm

Hayburner wrote:How are you feeling today?


Thank you for asking.
I joined USDF as an educational member. What does THAT tell you :lol:

There is so much material available to learn.

I think I am going to get good at scribing and volunteer next year and see how that goes. I scribed before but only because someone was desperate to have a scribe. I had no clue what I was doing. I am going to get the DVD On the levels and scribe them and really make a go of it over the winter and see if I can improve.
My handwriting was hard to read and I had a hard time keeping up with the judge. It wasn't a pleasant experience for any of us.

Hayburner
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Location: Western PA

Re: Delayed grieving?

Postby Hayburner » Sat Sep 30, 2017 6:40 pm

Sounds like you are moving forward! Great news! Fill your plate with things that make you happy, the rest will follow.


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