What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Tanker-yanker
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What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Tanker-yanker » Sat Dec 09, 2017 7:06 pm

I put her to sleep on Wednesday and I have family coming on Tuesday. It is not uncommon for my dog to have been in the back room sleeping. Most times nobody saw her cause she was sleeping. I am not ready to discuss this with anyone.

I will not volunteer that she is gone, and I do not want to lie, but I am trying to think of something to say to anyone who might ask how she is feeling. She was 15.5 years and asking about her was not uncommon.

I have been thinking of saying that "she is feeling better thank you".

Any other suggestions?

kande50
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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby kande50 » Sat Dec 09, 2017 8:00 pm

Tanker-yanker wrote:Any other suggestions?


How about just "not good, and I'm too upset to talk about it" and then change the subject?

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Canyon » Sat Dec 09, 2017 8:16 pm

A variation on kande's idea - can you email them now, tell them what happened, and state, "Please do bring up the subject of my dog during your visit; I am too upset to discuss her right now."

Of course, you may have your reasons for not wanting to bring up her death at all.

Many hugs to you. This is so hard...

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Josette » Sat Dec 09, 2017 8:17 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. Ditto what Kande said - politely close the door on inquiries.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Wicky » Sat Dec 09, 2017 9:16 pm

I agree with Canyon. Letting them know is important, better than leaving an open question.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby LeoApp » Sat Dec 09, 2017 9:35 pm

I am so sorry for your loss, but don't lie about it.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Flight » Sat Dec 09, 2017 10:22 pm

I agree with what Kande said, something along those lines.

You actually might find that it will help you. Sorry for your loss :(

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Koolkat » Sun Dec 10, 2017 2:49 am

I had a similar situation at Thanksgiving, having just put 2 horses down. We went to friends and I just included in an e-mail that I didn't have the horses anymore and would tell them about it later. Linda's extra long hug said it all. . .

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Moutaineer » Sun Dec 10, 2017 4:12 am

People are asking you because they are kind and care. I'd let them know beforehand, to avoid turning it into an accidental giant faux pas and making them feel bad for asking.

And I'm so sorry you lost your dog. It's so hard when you've had them for so long and they are a part of you.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby heddylamar » Sun Dec 10, 2017 3:09 pm

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not ready to talk about her." If someone's insensitive enough to push, just repeat that you're not ready.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby NancyP » Mon Dec 11, 2017 12:02 am

LeoApp wrote:I am so sorry for your loss, but don't lie about it.


Please don't lie.

Text/email your family and let them know that your dog has recently passed away and you really need them to respect your wishes and not mention the matter while they are visiting.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Hayburner » Mon Dec 11, 2017 4:30 pm

sorry you had to put your pup down - I'm sure it's hard especially with company coming.

I agree with Canyon - give them a heads up and let them know it's the holidays and you want to enjoy their visit with you. Better to let them know in advance, than wait for them to ask, then have to say you don't want to talk about it. Sure as you know what, someone will make you talk about it which will make you sad.....

Hugs

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Suzon » Mon Dec 11, 2017 6:34 pm

When my brother died, we just started saying, "he's fine" or "he's fine now." Because it was true. Your pup is across the bridge, no longer old, no longer sick or in any pain. He's fine now.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Tanker-yanker » Mon Dec 11, 2017 8:24 pm

Thank you all for your suggestion. This is not about a family Hallmark moment. This is about something else.
My family owns several rental houses and apartments. I am living in the family home of my Uncle and have been since 2011 because of my dog that I just lost. SHe is a pit bull and when the economy went bad I came here because the house had been vacant since 2007 after my uncle retired and built his dream home two states away.

My aunt who has no power, no real say, but can bitch with the best of them has said to me twice "when your dog dies, we will move you to one of the apartments". Trust me, while I am grieving, the last thing I need is this nut talking to me about this. I am NOT moving to any of the apartments (there are three complexes) and the house that I am in will stay vacant until my uncle cannot come down here anymore. He normally comes every two months or so. It could be years before they rent this place out.

I put my life on hold because of my dog. She was my service dog and when the economy picked up, she was too arthritic to be on the floor of an office for 8 hrs a day, so I dragged my feet. I'll go on my own, but damn, leave me the hell alone.

So no, this is not about a Hallmark moment. Back to grieving.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Tuddy » Mon Dec 11, 2017 8:36 pm

I am very sorry for your loss and for the situation that this puts you in.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby khall » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:10 pm

I'm sorry for your loss.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Tanker-yanker » Mon Dec 11, 2017 10:14 pm


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orono
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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby orono » Tue Dec 12, 2017 2:03 am

Suzon wrote:When my brother died, we just started saying, "he's fine" or "he's fine now." Because it was true. Your pup is across the bridge, no longer old, no longer sick or in any pain. He's fine now.


I like this.

kande50
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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby kande50 » Tue Dec 12, 2017 9:56 am

Suzon wrote:When my brother died, we just started saying, "he's fine" or "he's fine now." Because it was true. Your pup is across the bridge, no longer old, no longer sick or in any pain. He's fine now.


Statements that we know are misleading or inaccurate are the same as lying. If we wanted to convey that sentiment without lying we'd say something like, "he's fine now because he's in a better place".
Last edited by kande50 on Tue Dec 12, 2017 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

DJR
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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby DJR » Tue Dec 12, 2017 3:14 pm

Suzon wrote:When my brother died, we just started saying, "he's fine" or "he's fine now." Because it was true. Your pup is across the bridge, no longer old, no longer sick or in any pain. He's fine now.


The trouble with this is that (a) it misleads the listener into thinking the dog has improved, and (b) it can (and often does) invite further conversation about the dog now that the listener thinks the dog is ok. For example, "oh, that's great, I remember when my dog had _______ (yadda yadda yadda)", or "oh, super, what was wrong with him? Can I see him?", that sort of thing.

I also favor honesty in the form of a gently-worded email before the visit as others have suggested, requesting that the subject not be raised at all because of how raw it is still.
formerly known as "Deanna" on UDBB -- and prior to that, as "DJD".

Tanker-yanker
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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Tanker-yanker » Tue Dec 12, 2017 4:44 pm

Well, they showed up a day early. They came in last night. During a rush of questions, my uncle did ask how my dog was. I think I gave a marbled "fine" and everyone moved on to other things. Normally, they are only here 5-7 days. This time they are here for 2 weeks.

Normally, if my aunt came down (she is scared to death of my dog) they seldom saw my dog. If my uncle comes on his own, then my dog is was with us in the living room. I stay in the mother in law quarters and had the backyard for my dog. We have been here almost seven years. If I had chosen to try to treat my dog, she may have lasted until they had come and gone.

This has definitely messed up my grief process. My aunt is such a (?) that she would say to me "well now that your dog is dead, you have NO excuse to come see us".

Newsflash, if people tell you "no, I am not coming up", leave them alone. They do not want to see you. Shit, I see them every 8 weeks or so. At least I can escape her somewhat while I am here, I am not going to drive 1800 miles round trip to not be able to escape her.

The good news is that I started getting Christmas cards from here yesterday.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Wicky » Tue Dec 12, 2017 8:07 pm

I do understand why you do not want to say anything. I hope it works. I am sorry for your loss.

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orono
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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby orono » Wed Dec 13, 2017 10:08 pm

It sounds like you're upset because your aunt and uncle, who own the house you live in, visit periodically. Do you pay rent? If so I don't think they can evict you without notice (3 months?). If you live there for free and they want to move you into another one of their units than I would just get it over with and move. I wouldn't tie the 2 events together any more than necessary. Sorry for the loss of your dog, she looked like a very sweet girl.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Tanker-yanker » Wed Dec 13, 2017 10:36 pm

orono wrote:It sounds like you're upset because your aunt and uncle, who own the house you live in, visit periodically. Do you pay rent? If so I don't think they can evict you without notice (3 months?). If you live there for free and they want to move you into another one of their units than I would just get it over with and move. I wouldn't tie the 2 events together any more than necessary. Sorry for the loss of your dog, she looked like a very sweet girl.


No, THEY do not want to evict me. This is about my aunt and her lack of control and my uncle and I enjoying time together.

My aunt is scared of pit bulls even though she has never been around one. She is also scared of spending the night alone, car washes, flying, taking care of herself,etc....

My aunt insisted that they build a home two states away even though my uncle did not want to. This meant that he has to come back to this town where our family holds all of the properties. Nobody can sign checks or pay bills but him and rightly so, he checks everything out with his own eyes and makes sure the business is running smoothly. My aunt never came back down here at first, so my uncle would fly down and my dog I would pick him up at the airport 100 miles away. We all had a good time.

About two years ago, my aunt came down and found out how much fun we were having and then started coming down each time. This means that my uncle who is 85 now has to drive down, which he should not be doing. I do not know why she is the way she is, but she is difficult to be around. She pushes herself on others and that drives them away. She says stupid, cruel things to people and can't figure out why so many stay away from her. With me being in an apartment, my uncle and I would not have so much time together is probably what she is thinking.

Again she has no power and cannot control anything about the business at all. This is simply bad timing with my dog dying. I doubt she would say anything to me about my dog in front of my uncle. My uncle has NEVER said anything about me moving. He likes someone here to keep the house from being left alone.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby orono » Wed Dec 13, 2017 11:42 pm

If that's the case then I wouldn't worry about hiding it from her/them. Sounds like your uncle will keep you in the house regardless.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Tanker-yanker » Thu Dec 14, 2017 12:26 am

orono wrote:If that's the case then I wouldn't worry about hiding it from her/them. Sounds like your uncle will keep you in the house regardless.

The conversation has already past, but I will not volunteer information. She will be gone soon enough.

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Re: What can I tell people who ask how's your dog doing?

Postby Chisamba » Thu Dec 14, 2017 5:15 pm

i do believe your dog is in a better place.


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