Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

PaulaO
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Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby PaulaO » Thu Dec 21, 2017 3:57 pm

Bob transitioned December 30, 2013. I think the grief wave is upon me. I'm sad, it seems like time is standing still, I'm bored, and it's going to get cold and I worry about Miss A. Two days after Bob was PTS, the polar vortex came and it was one of the coldest winters on record. It's going to be a high in the teens after Christmas now and even though Miss A. is fine, blanketed, heated water troughs and buckets, I'm starting to feel the sadness and panic from 4 years ago. Talk me through it???? Advice? Sympathy??

Hayburner
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby Hayburner » Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:05 pm

Paula - lets move this from the grief wave to remembering what a wonderful horse/partner Bob was to you. Let's celebrate his life, the life you had with him. He was and always will be your "heart" horse - shed a few tears for what was and then think about how lucky you were to find Ms. Ariel - she's not the same as Bob, but she's filling that void in your life. Many of us that have horses never stop worrying and obsessing about them, it's just who we are.

My friend lost her heart horse last January, and there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't think of him. I always mention him to her, like he's still here with us. I think it makes her feel better that I still cherish and think of him too. Unfortunately, she was not able to get another horse due to her health issues, I think that bothers her, when she put him down she knew it was the end of her ever having the opportunity to have another horse. his passing was an end to many things that brought her joy.

My new horse is nothing like my old retiree but she's special in a different way. I never thought I could love her like I do my old guy, but I do.

Hugs......

Sue B
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby Sue B » Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:48 pm

I'm sorry Paula, it's ahrd when we remember our equine friends. My Lad died the day after Christmas, same year as Bob--he literally galloped over to greet ds and I and dropped dead! I commemorate that day by hugging, grooming and just hanging out with my new heart horses; one of whom was there the day his best bud died. Every year the memories are sweeter and the pain is less, and every year I better appreciate the great fortune I have in knowing all my horses.

piedmontfields
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby piedmontfields » Thu Dec 21, 2017 6:06 pm

I do feel for you. Try to remember the good times with Bob and make more good times with Miss Ariel. Like you, I worry when we have big weather shifts. My barn is awesome, but horses are just, well, worrying!

PaulaO
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby PaulaO » Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:03 pm

Thank you. I loved Bob, but it was a different relationship than I have with Miss A. She truly is more my partner than he ever was and frankly, I enjoy riding her more. He was a big personality though. The barn he was at was small but drama ran high, and I was always sucked into it because the barn manager created a lot of it. My new barn, although 4 times as big, is drama free (boarders are mature and helpful and aren't gossips), the staff take excellent care of the horses and squash any rumors immediately. Miss A. and my new horse world is a whole different scene that Bob and my previous world. It's more secure, but I find that hard to conceptualize. I tend to revert back to my previous emotions. But that's what I did for 25 years so it's a work in progress to put that behind me. I'm almost having a bit of PTSD today (not as extreme as true PTSD).

I am going to leave work early today and hang at the barn. That always makes me feel better.

Hayburner
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby Hayburner » Thu Dec 21, 2017 8:18 pm

You are lucky to have found such a nice place to hang out, finally enjoy your barn buddies and feel a bit of safety for Ms. Ariel.

I'm sure some of your worries are based on the previous place you had Bob. THat feeling of insecurity, etc takes time to let go of

Xanthoria
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby Xanthoria » Thu Dec 21, 2017 9:27 pm

I think it's totally normal and OK to feel sad when you think about Bob. It's a tribute to your relationship with him. I also think as time goes on you will feel wistful pride and love when speaking or thinking of him, and then eventually that's replaced with warm remembrance.

I personally had an awful time putting down Sebastian the wonder Dobe 15 years ago, and to this day occasionally shed a tear, but mostly ramble on about how great he was. So the transition from anguish to warm remembrance isn't linear.

If you feel panic though, that's different. Sadness isn't fun, but panic is awful. So work on addressing that.

Every time you feel panicky, try to be very rational and talk yourself back to a better spot. "Bob died, and it was awful, but that's in the past and while I can grieve anytime I like, it is something I can manage now. Miss A will be fine too - I've made logical and sensible choices to ensure that, because I am a responsible adult who cares deeply." Then go have a cry if you want, some hot chocolate and a hot bath and just be nice to yourself. But don't panic or worry - it won't achieve anything, and you can control it. (((hugs)))

amygdala
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby amygdala » Thu Dec 21, 2017 9:43 pm

anniversaries can be tough! my horse Gristle died on dec 12, 1916. and on dec 12, 1917, her best buddy spent the day hanging out in gristle's favorite place.

(((paula)))

Tanker-yanker
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby Tanker-yanker » Fri Dec 22, 2017 1:31 am

[code][/code]
amygdala wrote:anniversaries can be tough! my horse Gristle died on dec 12, 1916. and on dec 12, 1917, her best buddy spent the day hanging out in gristle's favorite place.

(((paula)))
Its been over 100 years since your loss. How old are you if you do not mind me asking?

amygdala
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby amygdala » Fri Dec 22, 2017 4:36 am

oops! i meant she died last year-- 2016. what can i say-- it's a tough anniversary for me, too!

Rockabilly
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby Rockabilly » Fri Dec 22, 2017 10:22 pm

This is a long article, but I found it very true. I am still dealing and processing Billy's passing 4 years later and I am nowhere I need to be with it right now. I did not write the story.

When You Lose A Horse You Love
I wrote this article in 2006 and it was originally published in my monthly column called "The Couch In the Barn" on Equestrian Network Magazine (http://www.equestmagazine.com). Since I wrote this, DreamPower has lost Starbright and T.C. and three weeks ago I lost Nick. For everyone who has ever lost a horse they loved, I thought it was worth running agin.

If you love horses, the time will eventually come when you lose a horse you love. There are many reasons you might lose a dearly beloved horse. Financial changes, divorce, moving or personal circumstances, all may separate you from a horse you love. But today I am going to write about what happens when a horse that you love dies.

The average horse lives between 20 to 35 years, more or less. Ponies and smaller horses often live longer than the larger breeds. But if you own or love a horse, the chances are good that you will out-live your horse.

Losing a horse you love is painful at best and a heartbreaking and devastating loss at its worst. There is something special about the partnership between a horse and a human. Working together, learning how to read and trust each other, bonding as you take risks and overcome challenges together, all weave an incredible bond between a horse and a human who love and trust each other.

Your horse may die suddenly and unexpectedly, from a freak accident or a severe illness. Colic is the number one cause of death in horses. Your horse may colic and you may have to make the gut-wrenching decision of weighing your finances and the age and general condition of your horse against the economic burden and risks of colic surgery. Your older horse may have a chronic illness and you watch his health gradually deteriorate over time. Laminitis (and its associated conditions) is the second leading cause of death in horses. Because horses cannot speak and tell humans exactly where they hurt and exactly what is wrong, the horse owner and the veterinarian work together try to figure out what is wrong, and how to help.

Euthanasia or "putting the horse down" is a sad reality that all horse owners must be aware of. The decision to put your beloved horse down is a difficult, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking decision. Sometimes a horse is too ill or too old or too weak to fight off an illness. Or the injury may be too severe and the prognosis too poor. Or the costs of surgery or extended veterinary care may be more than you can afford. There are many circumstances where putting a horse down is the kindest and most loving thing you can do for a beloved friend.

If you decide to put your horse down, you may be filled with doubt and guilt. You may wonder if that is really what is best for your horse. You may feel very guilty for not putting more time and money into trying to make her better. You may feel overwhelmed by sadness, grief and confusion. But remember that ending the suffering of a horse in pain is a final gift of love. Your decision can give your horse a comfortable, painless and dignified end to a wonderful life. You can help him all the way to the Rainbow Bridge. If you think about your horse's quality of life and suffering, it will help you to make the right decision.

Horses are big animals, and they take up a lot of room in our lives and our hearts. When a horse dies, it leaves a huge, aching hole in our hearts. Working through the loss of a dearly beloved horse can be a painful process, but it is necessary if we are to be whole and healthy human beings. Those who love deeply also feel the loss deeply. Loss is a part of every person's existence and everyone will respond to a loss in a unique, deeply personal way.

How a person responds to a loss is determined by a combination of factors. Some of these factors include: the relationship you had with the horse (or person) who died; the circumstances surrounding the death (How did the horse die? Was it unexpected or a long-term illness?); the kind of support you have from others; your individual personality and coping style; and other losses you have experienced.

When a horse dies, you may miss the physical closeness of the horse, grooming and petting and riding the horse. You see an empty stall or paddock and your heart breaks. There is no friendly face peering out at you, looking for food. You smell an old saddle blanket or look at a favorite saddle and burst into tears. Depending on the circumstances, you may also grieve the loss of hopes and dreams. Death may have prematurely ended a partnership where you had great hopes for the future, and those hopes have now died, along with your horse.

The grief process is different for each person, but there are some common things that many people experience. When you grieve, you may feel guilty for not having done more for your horse. You may feel incredible sadness, emptiness, loneliness and despair. You may feel anger at the vet or a family member or someone you feel let you down. You may have difficulty concentrating and paying attention. You may feel numb or want to avoid anything that reminds you of your horse. All of these feelings are completely normal when you have experienced a significant loss.

The stages of grief have been widely studied and written about. These "stages" happen in any loss, including the loss of a horse. Every person will experience their loss in a unique way, but these are common feelings. The first stage is Shock or Denial, usually upon first hearing bad news. You may feel numbness, shock and disbelief. You may walk out to the barn and expect to see your horse standing in her paddock, even though you know she is gone. The next stage is Anger. You may get angry at the vet, the barn manager, your spouse, or anyone connected with your horse. You may be angry at yourself or angry at your horse for dying. These are all normal feelings.

The next stage of grief is often Bargaining. You may try to negotiate with God, the situation, or your horse. But this is a kind of magical thinking that does not change the reality of the situation. When you realize the loss really happened and your horse is not coming back, you may feel Depression or Sadness. You may feel deep sadness and unbearable pain. You may feel guilty over many different things.

Over time, healthy grief turns into Acceptance. This does not mean you do not feel sad and do not still miss your horse, but that you are able to move on with your life. You can still love and appreciate and miss your horse, but you have more things you want to do with your life. Acceptance does not mean forgetting, but using the memories to create a new life for yourself. At this point, you may feel ready to find a new equine partner!
People who are not familiar with horses may not understand the significance of losing a dearly beloved horse. If you have not experienced the gift of love from a beloved horse, or the thrill of mastering a skill together, you will probably have difficulty understanding the depth of love and connection between a horse and its human. But those who know horses, do understand.

There are many ways horse owners can memorialize and honor a beloved horse. Roy Rogers had Trigger stuffed and with him for the rest of his life. You may not want to take it that far. But you may want to cut off part of your horse's mane or tail and have a piece of jewelry or a keepsake made. You might want to frame a lock of hair with a favorite photo of your horse. You might want to give a donation to a favorite horse or animal charity, in honor of your horse. You may want to have a memorial service with family and friends who knew and loved your horse. You might want to join an online support group or website that honors beloved horses who have died.

When you lose a horse you love, it hurts terribly. That is the price we pay for loving these beautiful, magnificent creatures. They honor us with their love and trust, and we honor them by taking care of them all the way to and across the Rainbow Bridge. What a privilege that is.

PaulaO
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby PaulaO » Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:19 pm

Thanks to all that responded. I believe my sadness is two parts. First is missing Bob. That's o.k., we had a long talk the other night and he's not mad. I never compare Ariel to him. She is her own person, and truthfully, I enjoy riding her more. She's easier and more dependable. Not as brilliant a mover, but the girl is a rock steady citizen and that's what I want.

The second sadness is what was bothering me most. And that was the flashbacks to the barn where I boarded Bob. The toxic place (the care was great though), the constant worry. The place I boarded for over 25 years, yet the barn manager NEVER spoke to me after the day Bob went down. The day I picked up his tack, her car was behind me as I pulled in. She pulled in the garage and never came out. My so-called barn friends also deserted me. That was the most hurtful part--I was abandoned when I needed these people the most.

Today it was MINUS TWO as I drove to work and I thought "Ariel is fine. She has a heated bucket, heated water troughs, her blanket is on, ever dependable and wonderful BM is there." I realized I don't have to worry about Ariel. I assumed so much needless worry with Bob. That became the norm.

So I'm feeling better. Everyone's words have meant so much to me, and helped me in different ways.

piedmontfields
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Re: Sad. It's Bob's anniversary

Postby piedmontfields » Tue Dec 26, 2017 11:45 pm

I'm glad everyone's words helped. I loved the writing Rockabilly shared---it is so true. Although Emi is my first horse that I own and am responsible for life/death decisions, I have experienced horse loss before and it is huge and hard.


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