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Barnmate is a somewhat grumpy person. Bit of a know it all too. Not evil, but hey.

NOT that I am counting (haha) but he has now asked me the following favors in the last few months:

"Borrow" a flake of alfalfa
Put eye meds in horse's eye (3x)
Put blanket on horse (3x or more)
Remove blanket from horse
"Borrow" antiseptic ointment
"Borrow" thrush treatment
And on and on.
Today: another blanket request.

One time, he said he'd be happy to reciprocate, so I asked him to turn my horse out so he could eat a while longer after someone else pulled him out of the pasture on 2 days I'd be away, as then horse was elderly and thinnish. He said OK. On my return, he said he tried it once, but it took too long. Now I pay someone to feed my horses extra if I'm away.

Worth noting: I live very near the barn - walking distance. Barnmate lives 25 mins away. Our horses are in the same pasture. Barnmate has a leaser who could also do him favors. Barn manager is also a friend of barnmate - barnmate does favors for her often, so she probs owes him a few in return.

If I don't go blanket his horse, and he can't get someone else to do it, I'll probably see him there tonight and it'll be awkward.

I don't wish to burn bridges, create tension, or anything - it's often only the two of us out there.

But I feel like I'm being used as he kinda knows I can't say no...

Any clever suggestions to stop him asking?

Yes, he has figured out you won't say no. There's no other way to get this to stop, however.

Next time you're asked, I'd say, "sorry, I'm just not able to do that", Smile and walk away

OK you're right.

I ended up saying no as I am sick (true), no apology.

I can feel my spine regenerating!

"I wish I could help, but I'm on a tight schedule today."

never never never share equipment or meds. cross contamination is real. How does one "borrow " meds

why not write up an invoice for the flake of hay, the tube of eye ointment the time spent doing chores ( at $15.00/hour)

what a jerk

I wish I had advice but I'm going through a slightly similar situation at my own barn.

But yeah- put a lock on your meds and perhaps offer to go halfsies on your bale of alfalfa. I got nuttin' on ideas for getting him to stop treating you like the Help.

I highly doubt that if you said something firm he'd lose sleep over it. Most guys move on from that kind of thing way more easily than we do.

I am sorry I cannot do that because I will end up resenting the non reciprocal nature of these favors and I'd prefer to keep on liking you.

Love Chisamba's suggestion. But I would probably just smile and say "Oh, that doesn't work for me."

Get better and enjoy your spine regeneration.

Course you probably should have taken the opportunity when he was unwilling to turn your horse out and said, "Well if this isn't going to be a symbiotic relationship then don't keep asking me to help you with your horse".

I like Chisamba's suggestion too. I really have no advice, but I am sorry to hear that this person feels okay with treating you like this. RRRR.

Chisamba wrote:;) I am sorry I cannot do that because I will end up resenting the non reciprocal nature of these favors and I'd prefer to keep on liking you.

AAAAAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHA!

heddylamar wrote:"I wish I could help, but I'm on a tight schedule today."

I like this suggestion best. Say that to yourself a few times until it becomes natural for you. I've been in this situation before with someone who would come to my barn and say I'll take this and this. I never said anything yet I resented it greatly. There are two things at work here. The first is a person who will take advantage and that is their personality and they care not what you think or do as long as they get what they want. I distinctly dislike a person like that and the second is the person who can't say "No". Why is that? I was a person who couldn't say "No" for years and got myself in all kinds of little situations. I think it comes down to the person who can't say "No". If you were able to say "No" the first time he asked you wouldn't have this problem. I'm speaking from experience here as I was no better at saying "No" than you, but I've had some time and a few years to think about it. I am able to say "No" quite easily and feel no guilt, but it is a learned response one really has to spend some time thinking about. Practice saying "No" until it becomes easy for you.

About the quote above I would leave out the "today".

Did I miss where there is no barn help to do this? Why is the leasee not helping?

I ask once in a blue moon as I am the one who *is* 30 mins out...no blanket service at my barn and if the weather changes I might ask a friend....my barn charges 25/meds a day which is worth it for me. Start charging him and see what happens

Chisamba wrote:;) I am sorry I cannot do that because I will end up resenting the non reciprocal nature of these favors and I'd prefer to keep on liking you.

I can totally see Xan doing this!

Ryeissa wrote:Did I miss where there is no barn help to do this? Why is the leasee not helping?

I ask once in a blue moon as I am the one who *is* 30 mins out...no blanket service at my barn and if the weather changes I might ask a friend....my barn charges 25/meds a day which is worth it for me. Start charging him and see what happens

No barn help really, but there is a boarder who does tasks for $, and he has a leaser but who knows why he didn't ask her: assumed I'd find it "easier" as I live close by and go every day?

Anyway, last night he'd clearly asked the BM as her husband went out and threw the blanket on his mare in the pasture in the dark and I'd be shocked if he groomed all the mud off her first...

And speaking of the BM, she has now twice offered my services to other barnmates. She suggested to one that I would be able to go out midday daily to help her mount her horse (she has medical issues) . I told barnmate nicely that I work from home - operative word "work" - meaning I sometimes barely have time to walk to the kitchen for lunch! She went on to offer money as apparently losing my salaried job in favor of an occasional $10 is totally worth it. "Sorry: no"

The other was BM telling a barnmate I'd never met that I'd go pick up her horse with my new trailer at the vet hospital an hour away. On a Friday. I waited a few hours before replying to say that a) I don't have commercial insurance, b) another barnmate does, and will likely be available to do this midweek, and c) in fact the BM actually has a trailer herself she could do the run with.

The thing is, I say no, they keep asking, and when they ask they don't even ask especially nicely: they don't even touch on the idea that I might WORK, and it might be a serious hassle for me when they ask, and they don't offer to reciprocate. Some people are just take take take...

All this doesn't mean I reject all requests: my friends know they can ask anytime and I often offer! In fact the guy in the OP I probably encouraged by offering to help him various times...

I live 20 minutes from the barn. That's nothing of a drive. If Miss A. needed her blanket changed or brought in or whatever, I drive out there. A drive like that is no excuse.

As far as "borrowing" hay/meds/whatever, "NO" is a complete sentence.

.

.

Group hug

so the BM is foisting what is likely her responsibility onto you as a "handy" resource.

Tell the BM to cease and when someone says BM said you would ...

tell the horse owner that they were misinformed.
I am aghasted at the gall of these people and I would certainly not feel afraid of offending their feelings

It does sound like a polite chat with the barn manager might be useful. Either that or put a price on your help high enough to be worth it

Chisamba wrote:It does sound like a polite chat with the barn manager might be useful. Either that or put a price on your help high enough to be worth it

yes, I still worry about being blamed though if something isn't done right. At some point its the BOs problem. I am a boarder, not there to "work".

I help friends occasionally, and I'm happy to help. this sounds excessive.

The problem with pricing work, especially when over pricing to have it declined, is when the person wants it done even at the premium price, when your intention was to not do the work at all. Ha, ha.

yes exactly silk! Then again I guess everyone has a price. I could ask for $500 an hour and be pretty happy to get it doing almost anything horse related

But seriously, no.

I worry about liability too. You just never know if someone will blame you if something isn't "right".

If your barn is like my barn, they will be offended no matter what you say. BUT... they will also respect you and your space a little more after and actually might be nicer in the end, after the weird passive aggressive stuff is stopped.

I'm still stuck on how much I love Chisamba's suggestion.

Xanthoria wrote:[And speaking of the BM, she has now twice offered my services to other barnmates. She suggested to one that I would be able to go out midday daily to help her mount her horse (she has medical issues) . I told barnmate nicely that I work from home - operative word "work" - meaning I sometimes barely have time to walk to the kitchen for lunch! She went on to offer money as apparently losing my salaried job in favor of an occasional $10 is totally worth it. "Sorry: no"

The other was BM telling a barnmate I'd never met that I'd go pick up her horse with my new trailer at the vet hospital an hour away. On a Friday. I waited a few hours before replying to say that a) I don't have commercial insurance, b) another barnmate does, and will likely be available to do this midweek, and c) in fact the BM actually has a trailer herself she could do the run with.

Your BM has no business offering your services without consulting you first. That is plain rude.

I am sorry, but there is being nice and offering help when you can, and being taken advantage of. I know this from experience and having to learn to say no was very, very, hard for me, as I never wanted people to feel like they couldn't rely on me. But in the end, I had to take care of myself and my priorities.

Tuddy wrote:
I am sorry, but there is being nice and offering help when you can, and being taken advantage of. I know this from experience and having to learn to say no was very, very, hard for me...

I've been so tempted to take in a boarder so many times, and especially when I'm spending a lot of time with someone and it would be so much more convenient to have their horse here. But I always decide not to in the end, because I don't want to get into a situation in which I need to ask them to leave--or get stuck with their horse. I've learned that no matter how happy and motivated someone is when they get a new horse that euphoria often fades, and sometimes fades out completely in a very short time.

Same with BO's and barn mates and riding buddies. What often seems like a great idea at first can turn out to be a major regret in no time.

Wow Xan, that really sounds like a lot of , just NO!

kande50 wrote:

Same with BO's and barn mates and riding buddies. What often seems like a great idea at first can turn out to be a major regret in no time.

So Very True. These days I will ask myself, do I really want to get involved in that and continue it on and on? For me the answer is usually no.