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Due to a recent issue with a friend of 20 years I have decided that I want nothing to do with her. We have drifted in our friendship over a squabble a few years ago, but I do hear from her now and then, when she needs something workwise from me. We have also drifted a bit due to my horse time and my marital separation. But, when we see each other at a function we are like old friends again and if she has something like a baby shower, bridal shower for her kids, I get an invitation.

What she recently did was extremely hurtful at a time when I thought she would be there in some capacity for me and I heard absolutely nothing from her or her husband.

So, do you just not respond to any phone calls or do you tell the person why you are ending any contact with them?

You tell them straight out that they are not a healthy part of your journey right now. That the energy that they are giving off is unappreciated and that you have no room for it.

This is what I told a person, and I have been better off since.

I would not invest any part of myself in a relationship like that. I would just take it however it comes. If she wants to talk for a minute I would talk, but I would not go out of my way for her. Closure may gradually happen and I would accept that and let it go.

I have done this with my sister. She is toxic. Sadly, when we were young, we were more like friends than sisters.
I just don't have anything to do with her. If she is at a family function, I choose not to be there. It's just not worth it.

The last time I saw her was at my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. I was at the end of chemotherapy and very bald.
She shaves her head and leaves a poof at the front. When I was telling my older sister that I was tired of being bald and that I really wished my hair would grow back she said ," Well, I have been bald for all these years and I don't mind".....as if she really understands being bald because of chemo. Anyway, that was not anything huge but it was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back.

If you're already drifting apart, I'd just let that continue. There's no need to address the problem unless she asks.

That is awful ({Chancellor})

I'm with heddylamar on this one.

I honestly believe that telling people like that why you're backing off gives them continued power over your happiness. Every time I've actually told people something cutting, even if it's truthful, I've felt worse for it. It's better for me to let them go without comment and know that I'm taking the right steps for me-- and they don't need (or care) to know about it. No need for me to be the bad guy.

I don't like "ghosting." You can simply tell her that your friendship has run its course without going into detail. She may protest, but you can just remain steadfast in your decision.

Thanks for the suggestions - What she did or should I say didn't do is really eating at me. I need to let go and just consider that it's who she is.
I think I will "ghost" her until one day I muster the strength to tell her I no longer want any contact with her. Depending on my mood, I may tell her why, and it won't be pretty.
Though, if my estranged husband has enough cocktails he may spill the beans to her husband.

This happened to me. A friend of 20 years and I drifted apart, and when Bob was PTS, she gradually stopped responding to my friendship overtures. She had said and done hurtful things to me over the years and even when confronted, didn't change. I was not sad to have her out of my life. She is broken. However, it took me a few years to understand that she is not capable of being a true friend. I never bothered to officially tell her she was off my friend list. My suggestion is just ignore all calls, texts, emails from this person.

I have had friends just "disappear" and it was very hurtful.

If it was me, I would talk to her. Contrary to what we might think, conversations won't kill us and might actually repair some rapport (no you don' t have to be friends but as a participant in the relationship you can work on making it better)

I'd much rather know the situation. It was harder than when people died (to me) as they could have talked to me but just choose not to. Now these were not rocky friendships so I have no reason to think I did anything to cause this.

If someone I planned to cease contact with reached out to *me* in a kind and humble manner, I would engage and offer explanation--and then see where things could go. Otherwise, I would not engage with the person. Frankly, it is not my problem that people are sad that I dropped them out of my life (unless they kindly and humbly engage with me about that). I do find that some people simply have no clue about friendship. They expect the friend/ship to be there whenever they want it (their terms, their timing, their needs) but will not do the routine work of being a good friend. To me, good friendships are a lot like good marriages or partnerships. Of course, if you don't have a good one, you don't know what those are like, either!

Ryeissa wrote:I have had friends just "disappear" and it was very hurtful.

I don't know. I had an otherwise really good friend who kept doing this one bewilderingly hurtful thing to me. I finally asked why, and explained that it was hurtful. She kept doing it with no apology. After several months of that, I walked out of her life without further conversation. Perhaps I'd be more forgiving now (I was dealing with repercussions of lifelong family trauma then), but I really doubt I'd give her many more chances.

I'm sorry you have been hurt in the past, but if the OP's friendship is on life support already, why keep dragging it along?

I guess I'm talking about clarity. If there were issues and someone drifted away then you would know why.
In your case its mistreatment and totally makes sense. I'm talking about avoiding people on purpose and not giving them a chance or explanation. .
In my cases its probably just the way it goes, people move on. I have never had any of the issues with friends being hurtful or mean.
One friend cheated on her DH and could not openly tell me and only later I knew that was why she went MIA. It wasn't about me but I thought she could at least mention a divorce. I guess I was friends with the enemy ex so who knows....

This situation has still been running thru my mind, actually more than I'd like.

My husband did run into her and her husband and she made a comment to him that she's "been meaning to send me a card, but she doesn't have my address".

My husband didn't respond, but thought what a crock of sh@t.

She has been to my house, she's sent me many invitations to her family functions and we have mutual friends that could give her my address. If she wanted to reach out she could have emailed, texted or called me. She choose to do Nothing!

As of this morning, I have changed my mind set so that I can get it off my mind, I'm not ending the friendship, She Ended It. I'm sure our paths will cross since we do have those mutual friends and business associates. When that happens I will do nothing, I too will not reach out to extend a hello or whatever.

Hayburner wrote:This situation has still been running thru my mind, actually more than I'd like.

My husband did run into her and her husband and she made a comment to him that she's "been meaning to send me a card, but she doesn't have my address".

My husband didn't respond, but thought what a crock of sh@t.

She has been to my house, she's sent me many invitations to her family functions and we have mutual friends that could give her my address. If she wanted to reach out she could have emailed, texted or called me. She choose to do Nothing!

As of this morning, I have changed my mind set so that I can get it off my mind, I'm not ending the friendship, She Ended It. I'm sure our paths will cross since we do have those mutual friends and business associates. When that happens I will do nothing, I too will not reach out to extend a hello or whatever.

You aren't even going to say hi? I'm glad you have found a way to move on. She seems disengenous.

No, I won't be the first to say Hi.

Should it be a group gathering I would do my best to avoid direct contact with her.

I'm done, she's apparently done so why pretend when in the public eye?

Knowing her the why I do, she will not avoid me, she will come over and say how much she misses and loves me and how we have to get together. Which is all BS that I will not play a part in.

I'm so sorry, i know how this feels. It sucks. She did end it. There are seasons for things. It seems this season may be over.

Thanks Chantal - Your right, this season is over. People come and go from our lives and in this case I'm now OK with it. It really wasn't painful for this relationship to end - what she did/didn't do was the painful part.

Hayburner wrote:People come and go from our lives and in this case I'm now OK with it. It really wasn't painful for this relationship to end - what she did/didn't do was the painful part.

I'm in a similar situation now. I feel the same way. I am accepting the end of what I thought was a good friendship, but the hurt of realizing this person was not really a friend is hard. My 'friend' stopped contacting me at a time when I needed a friend most.

MC. Isn't it ironic that our "friends" deserted us when we could have used a shoulder or a sympathetic word from them. Hell, a text, an email, would be better than Nothing!

Good riddance to phony friends, those that we supported over the years but do not do the same for us.

they have shown their true colors now let it be....you will be better off in the end.

sorry you had to go through that MC and Hayburner