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Just a short rambling/update. I found out 4-5 weeks ago that I was having some pretty serious women's health issues. I haven't been allowed to ride since. I freaking miss my horse.

I went last Tuesday to watch the trainer ride her. Thankfully I was able to work out a deal with her to keep her ridden. I could literally tell Phoenix had missed me and could feel her joy when she saw me, as cheesy as that sounds. I had to hold in tears.

The doctor finally let me walk on her Saturday because we had a saddle fitter in town from out of state. I told them it was really important for me to try the saddle, even just at a walk. I was pretty emotional just getting to sit on her again too.

In happier news, I've been waiting for MONTHS to have this saddle fitter fit Phoenix. I knew the saddle I was using wasn't working for her and I fully believe in these saddles. It was amazing the change we saw in just a few minutes with a proper fitting saddle. She started saying YES to things she's been giving a firm NO to lately. I've really struggled with keeping her round through the trot-canter canter-trot transitions, and as it turns out it was the saddle's fault. Every time she tried to lift, it was basically punishing her. She loved the first saddle we put on her and within a few minutes was giving round transitions, and moving more freely. Even just at a walk myself, I could feel the difference. I'll be ordering a saddle this week which will take 8-10 weeks to be custom made. I can't wait to REALLY get to ride in it!

I'm desperately hoping to be cleared to go back to riding this Friday when I have my next follow up with my doctor.

Fingers crossed for continued recovery! That is awesome that you were able to get her fitted in the mean time.

I hope your health improves!! Good luck with the saddle too

Sounds like good news on both fronts. I sure hope Friday brings even more good news.

awesome! saddle fitters are the best....very morale boosting. I am so glad you are getting on the right track

Thanks for catching us up. There is no shame in crying when you see your horse. I see Miss A. 4-5 times a week and sometimes I get misty eyed just thinking of how much I love her. I've fantasized about a custom saddle. I hope yours turns out exactly perfect.

Oy, so sorry to read of your health scare/issues and hope very much that that resolves well. Don't feel cheesy! When I was those months non weight bearing and in misery the first time I made it downstairs and sat on the porch George could see me and he whinnied like mad, I bawled like a baby, I was so touched. When I was able to crutch out to the paddock he never was scared of either the crutches or the wheelchair. I totally felt like he missed me; my helper said he would just stand and watch the house.

Good luck with the saddle!

One of the sweet moments in my life was the summer afternoon I came home from a complete hysterectomy. It was a perfect afternoon, sunny and in the 70's, with a sweet breeze rustling the leaves outside. The lower pasture is about 40 feet from the sliding glass doors in the bedroom (which were open) and the horses knew I was home. Although I couldn't see them from the bed, they came up and spent the afternoon at the fence line. I could hear their gentle snorting/blowing and the occasional stamping foot. Alive and home with my beloveds, it was heaven.

And welcome back, so glad to hear about your saddle! It is so gratifying to isolate a problem and be able to solve it. And it's humbling too, they do try to tell us.

Hope you get cleared to ride! It's bad enough being unwell for whatever reason, not being able to ride definitely adds to it.

Well, I'm not cleared to ride. Dangit.

I've thought a lot about how much I want to share, and decided I'd like to share a bit more here. I feel like this topic isn't discussed enough, and I've found it really helps me to talk about it.

September 9th I found out I was pregnant, but there were issues right away. I called my doctor the next day and we began closely monitoring things. A week and a half later we confirmed through blood tests that it was ectopic. We were never able to do an ultrasound because it was so early the doctors wouldn't have been able to see anything, but since something like over 90% of ectopic pregnancies are in the fallopian tubes, we've presumed it was there. I haven't been able to ride or do really much of anything because of the risk of rupture.
Thankfully I've been able to avoid surgery so far, because it was so early. Instead for treatment three weeks ago I had to have a low dose of a drug called Methotrexate, a chemo drug, to cause the cells to stop growing. It wasn't too terrible but I felt like I had the flu for a few days, and have had a lot less stamina since the injections. For a couple weeks I couldn't do much more than an hour or two of even just socializing without being totally wiped out. We're monitoring my HCG levels now weekly, waiting for them to return to 0.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with it. I'm doing mostly OK in the sense that I'm still making it to work and functioning. However, we WERE trying and this baby was very wanted. It's made me question a lot what my beliefs are about life. Do I really believe that life begins at conception? If so, how can I ever be OK with what happened? I don't really know any of the answers, I just know I'm sad.

So sorry PhoenixRising, that is sad. Gentle hugs for you.
As a paramedic, I've seen the results of ruptured ectopic pregnancies and as I'm sure you know they can be fatal for the mother. It's always an emergency and to be honest I've not had the chance tor really think of the other side as a loss. But of course it is. Hoping that you'll be ok x

Phoenix. I am so very sorry. From experience, miscarriage of any type is very emotional and sad. It feels like you lost a loved one regardless of what stage the cells were in, because of the joy associated with carrying a wanted baby.

No matter how you resolve the practical thoughts about when life begins, the sadness of the loss still exists.

As flight said, ectopic pregnancy is life threatening, so I am very glad you are well. Hugs to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss Phoenix. It is very normal to feel grief and uncertainty. I hope your health is soon cleared for the future.

As someone who had to take Methotrexate as part of a protocol to see what would help my autoimmune disease, I have to say that is also absolutely no fun!

Phoenix, I am so sorry. It's a very real loss, and one that doesn't get talked about or treated with the gravity and compassion it should.

Sending you my warm wishes and hopes for future brightness.

(((hugs))) take time for yourself to do what you feel needs to be done.

(((((Phoenix))))))

Your story is so heartbreaking. But I am so very glad your ectopic pregnancy was diagnosed before it became a life-threatening event. Yes, ending the pregnancy was ending a very tiny, very loved life--take the time to mourn for your and your husband's loss.

I'm so sorry Phoenix, just remember it's ok to be sad and not know the answers and to take the time you need to process what you're feeling and recover.

Thank you for all the kind words.
I'm definitely grateful it hasn't been worse yet.
I just got my bloods back from today's draw and they've barely dropped since last week (10 points vs 30 the week before, and 60-80pts per week the weeks before that). My doctor was out of the office so I pushed for the doctor filling in to review my chart closer. He looked and said as long as there wasn't a drop and I'm not in pain they aren't worried and test again in a week.
I said "describe pain" because I HAVE been having pain off and on for over a week now in the left side of my pelvis. I described it to the nurse, she put me on hold and talked to the doctor, and they were booking me for a sonogram today within minutes. I'm leaving work in just about 20 minutes to get that done.
I'm relieved because they haven't done a single scan until now, only bloods. I've been wanting them to look, even just for peace of mind but especially now with the pains coming and going.
Even "worse" news though, this means I still don't get to ride.

ETA: Update
Sonogram shows a 1.5 cm “mass” in my left tube. So now we know where it is, and we know why I’ve been in pain still.
We’ll be repeating the methotrexate Monday morning.
They said that isn’t huge yet and don’t seem overly worried, but told me to take it easy and rest.

I'M CLEARED! I'm so, so happy and relieved right now. I'm still experiencing some discomfort, but they said that can be normal and to just ease back into my regular activities and pay attention to what my body tells me.
This has been such a long, hard road and I'm so happy to finally move forward again.

PhoenixRising wrote:I'M CLEARED! I'm so, so happy and relieved right now. I'm still experiencing some discomfort, but they said that can be normal and to just ease back into my regular activities and pay attention to what my body tells me.
This has been such a long, hard road and I'm so happy to finally move forward again.

Well, that must be a relief, I hope riding and everything else is soon smooth sailing

Glad to read this

Good to hear this PhoenixRising