On Saying Goodbye...

[fergusnc]

I haven't said much since after June when Fergus had the really odd choke, and re-diagnosis with EPM that led to our 5th treatment in---at that point---19 years together. There has been so much, and so many times I thought about a DDBB update, and I just didn't know how. I knew in my gut, and my heart, back then that our countdown clock had started ticking. He recovered and did wonderfully, and yet I knew. His routine was different, but not too much harder. I asked lots of "get prepared" questions, even though the vets said we weren't there yet. But they did tell me that every day was a gift and to really try to pour all I had into those moments. In November, he had another episode. No signs of EPM, but that weird choke. We did more tests---here at home, nothing crazy big. I mentally still can't get to all the science for you guys, or answer lots of questions, but maybe some day. Suffice it to say he needed a new routine. It was all about finding the right management plan for his needs, that would also allow a nice life for the herd as a whole. It was really hard, physically and mentally and cognitively to get it right. Then just physically and emotionally. Then mostly physically with a good dose of simmering emotion. He looked great, no one that saw him had any idea of his needs if I didn't tell them. He was content. But I still knew. I'd wonder about how long I could physically keep this up, and I'd cry knowing it probably wouldn't be needed for long despite the vets saying it could go on for years, in theory. He told me things, we talked about what I needed from him. I reminded him every day of how very loved he was, and I kissed his nose A LOT.

I still can't go to the place of details that horse people love just yet, but I will tell you that Friday at bedtime he gave me the first big warning. He was comfortable, 95% of things were fine...I spoke with "his" vet anyway even though she wasn't the one on call...she is our dear friend, family really, all because of Fergus' journey. She was at peace with the details, but the line of communication was wide open if needed. I still knew. There was a lot of in between, all with him still comfortable, but when I woke her up at 7am on Sunday she put her feet on the floor and headed our way despite not being the one working. She reinforced my knowledge of her amazing skills, and through her thoroughness she managed to get info that I am sure other vets would have missed. She spent 2 hours with us that morning, drove about 75 minutes to the closed office to run blood on a new machine she didn't know how to use yet, consulted with an internist and another trusted colleague from her practice---also not working that weekend---to decipher the confusing, imperfect information. And I still knew. When she called back and we talked it through, I didn't feel like the options were options, and I had to say out loud what I really didn't want to say out loud. Even though she was in agreement she called that internist and colleague again, just to make sure my decision was right and she was right to support me. Everyone was supportive.

We said goodbye on a beautiful, sunny afternoon when the rain had finally stopped and the mud had dried enough that getting him "settled" would be possible for "our guy" who had been on stand-by for a couple of weeks because I called to tell him that I knew. I was off from work the next day. All the planets that had been resistant to alignment all Fall/winter, and whose related "what if's" had me terrified, had aligned. Having never done this with a horse before, and having never even been present for it, I tried to steel myself for the dramatic nature I knew could come. My vet was insanely over-prepared with pockets stuffed with anything she could need as we ventured farther from her truck. It was the hardest walk I have ever made, leaving the stall with him and heading for the destination I chose weeks ago...because I knew. Fergus made it as easy on us as he possibly could short of laying down to sleep and never waking up. Our vet was amazed at how and what he did. All I know is that he saved my heart and I know he did it on purpose. I know he waited to leave until I was mentally ready and until the details were all in place for me. He waited until his Auntie could be the one to help his say goodbye. And he gave his vet some additional signs that eased her heart that it really was his time. She told me, "You were right, he was even sicker than I knew. You did not do this one minute too soon or one minute too late...you did this perfectly for him." After he had left, and lots of tears were shed, my vet asked if I needed space or wanted her to sit with me for a few minutes. I chose the latter, and we spread out a tarp in the fallen leaves of the woods and I pet him the whole time. I leaned on him and included him in our circle. And it calmed all humans present. Those few minutes turned into an hours and a half. We laughed a little, we cried some more, we smiled at some memories. DH was amazing through all of this, respecting that this was between me and my boy, but being close by to help in any way he was able. He stood with the donkey, who oversaw the entire event and after-event---he would not walk away from the gate to the woods. DH handled things with "our guy" who was so understanding and kind. DH and I agreed we will never speak of that part of the process, as I went and hid in the house for the burial, but he told me that "our guy" chose a tree that would forever be my landmark, the place where Fergus' head rests, should I want to plant him flowers or hang a memorial of some kind. He faced him towards the barnyard and his herd, to continue to keep watch.

It sucks, I hate it, and it is all beautiful at the same time.

This is what I was able to post on Facebook last night. And these photos are ones that DH took for me last month. I was so moved by Kelo having an unexpected "last photo" of her dear boy, I asked DH to snap a few while we we both down working in the barn one day. It was a fun memory for both DH and myself, and I am grateful for that and for the photos themselves. Thanks for listening DDBB friends, for being a safe place to come type out an emotional purge, and for understanding.

From Facebook...
Godspeed Mr. Fergus. 20 years ago, at 2:30 AM on a cold and windy NC winter morning, I made you a promise. You stepped your 2 year old self off of the shipper's tractor trailer into a terrifying situation for such a youngster. The conditions were about as "non-ideal" as they could get for your first big venture away from your birth farm, and---to be honest--- for your new human with whom you had zero relationship. In the dark and wind and ice, it was you and me, alone. While chaos surrounded us, and you did your very best to hold it together, I told you something. "I promise that if you don't kill me tonight, I will take care of you for the rest of your life," I said. Mission accomplished Big Brown. You are my heart, my partner, my constant...and forever you will be. While I will visit your grave in the peaceful woods of Fergus' Farm, I know your spirit runs free and fast...strong and healthy...until we meet again. Through joys and hard times, epiphanies and frustrating challenges, you were my teacher and my friend, my mirror and my confidant. You made me who I am today. Thank you is not good enough, but I know you understand. You are so very, truly, deeply loved J.R. Fergus Himself and you will never be forgotten.

[fergusnc]

And two more...

[heddylamar]

It's so hard to say goodbye, fergusnc. Fergus had a great life with you, and was obviously adored.

Lots of hugs to you.

[exvet]

My sincere condolences for your loss. He joins many great ones. Hugs to you as you heal.

[KathyK]

A beautiful, fitting, and heartbreaking tribute to a wonderful horse. We share your heartache.

[Hayburner]

Life gives us many ups and downs - but, saying goodbye to our beloved heart horse is so very hard and heartbreaking. Being with them to the end is a the final care that we give them. Yes it hurts like h@ll, but there will come a time that it will give you peace.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my heart horse, some days I shed a tear and some days I laugh at the fun times we had and his quirky personality.

Today, I shed a tear for you and Fergus.

Hugs and Healing vibes to you and all those that loved him.....

[fergusnc]

Life gives us many ups and downs - but, saying goodbye to our beloved heart horse is so very hard and heartbreaking. Being with them to the end is a the final care that we give them. Yes it hurts like h@ll, but there will come a time that it will give you peace.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my heart horse, some days I shed a tear and some days I laugh at the fun times we had and his quirky personality.

Today, I shed a tear for you and Fergus.

Hugs and Healing vibes to you and all those that loved him.....

Thanks Hayburner. I was terrified...just so afraid I'd let him down. That in that last experience, my fear for my safety or my shock at the sight would make me gasp or cry out in an unsoothing way, or jump away or do some other me-centered thing. There was no way that non-horsey DH could safely be the vet's assistant, and since it was a weekend afternoon, there was no vet assistant with her. The choice was made for me. I confessed my fears to her, away from the barn and Fergus. She told she needed me. I had to trust her. And she had to know she could rely on me. She told me that I'd "had it" for every other thing Fergus had ever needed from me over all these years and all these challenges, and that I would have it for him again that day. In those final moments I was just so focused on doing my job, and on Fergus, and I never feared for myself. Through my tears I sang him his song as the multiple doses were injected into the catheter...the words altered as they had come to be in the last 7.5 months..."You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. I know you know, dear, how much I love you. They can't take my sunshine away." When I asked if he was gone, and my vet said yes, I crumbled and sobbed into his mane...sounds I am sure were heard near and far...the sounds of a totally shattered heart. And very soon after the sobs stopped, I realized that holding his head was another gift from him...that no one else should have had that job.

The comments on FB have been lovely, and many. DH asked me if he could read the words I posted and I handed him the tablet and left the room. When I came back, he said "there are just so many many people...I don't think I've ever even heard their names..." and I think he finally understood how different my life was more than 9 years ago...before I met him...and for the 11 years I had Fergus but not him. The people and barns and horses, the lessons and shows and medical challenges. The hard rides and the heavenly ones. The special borrowed horses that came before Fergus came to me. It was a version of me he had never met. I told him, "this is what I haven't been able to illustrate to you....he was an incredibly special horse, to a lot of people. And we have a very big horse family."

It is hard to be in the barn at times...sort of ebbs and flows. But Dallas the Big Red Pony and Junior the Donkey need me, and they are confused by the loss of their compass and leader. I love the spot I chose for him, but didn't factor in that walking past it every day on my way to dump the wheelbarrow could be tough. Yesterday I ended up in Child's Pose on his grave, sobbing. This morning I sobbed a bit less but stayed upright. I know one day I will be able to be glad for the chance to say good morning and smile every day as I walk by.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and encouragement.

[Josette]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had to let go of several ponies and horses over the years - it never gets easier. Wishing you peace through this hard time.

[WheresMyWhite]

fergusnc, I can't begin to find the words to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. He's now at peace and, I am sure, will be waiting for you at the Bridge. It is so clear how much you loved him and how carefully you took care of him.

{{fergusnc}}

[Chisamba]

I am sorry for your loss. Take comfort in the peaceful goodbye you were able to give.

[Rockabilly]

It's too hard for me to read this right now. It's too painful, but I am thinking of you and understand what you're feeling.

[PaulaO]

Lump in throat, tears in eyes. Godspeed Fergus.

[silk]

I've started my day with tears.

Godspeed, Fergus, and huge, huge hugs to you, Fergusnc. I have the same decision coming soon for my girl and I am dreading it.

[Kelo]

I am so sorry for your loss. Great big hugs to you.

Nothing makes it easier, but for me during my recent loss, I found comfort in knowing that I kept my promise to my boy - he never wanted for anything while I had him 'til the day he passed. I hope you, too, can find some comfort in doing that for Fergus, because that is all our horses can hope for - having the love and companionship and comfort you provided to him all those years. And I'm glad you got those photos, they will only get more special with time.

Godspeed, Fergus.

[Flight]

So heartbreaking, I have tears here at work reading that. I hope I can do the same thing so well for mine when the time comes.
Very sorry for your loss.

[Sue B]

Yeah, I think the main thing to hang your heart on is that you KEPT YOUR PROMISE to him. That's what I did when I put Scotty down.
(((())))))

[Rockabilly]

I thought of it as my finest moment and I think you can too.

[Hayburner]

Oh Furgusnc that song you sang to him was Perfect! They are our sunshine, they give us so much joy . You gave him your all, you never let him down, and you let him go in peace surrounded by those that loved him. I know part of the loss can also be that they define us, they made us who we are and I know I felt that piece of me was gone.

My vet was wonderful, he gave me as much time as I needed, he slowly did everything and explained every step to me. He was so gentle with my old boy, I will never forget how respectful he handled this difficult time. He and his assistant both cried with me, he to,d me this was the part of the job that he hated the most. I had him cremated and the people that handled it were beyond respectful of the time I needed and with how they handled moving him. I stayed the whole time, I watched the truck as it drove away.

It's amazing how our horse community sticks together and reaches out to us when we are going thru what they also know is a difficult time. They know the hurt in our hearts and wish to extend comfort and remind us that we did the right thing . They know this is a deep wound that will take a lifetime to heal.

Hugs

[fergusnc]

Oh Furgusnc that song you sang to him was Perfect! They are our sunshine, they give us so much joy .

Hayburner,
When he came off of that truck into chaos as a two year old, I sang to calm his---and my---nerves. That song just came out of nowhere into my head, and it stayed there as his. I sang it to him for 20 years. He knew the song, and it would calm him almost immediately....visible softening of his eye and face, droop to his ears. Dallas the Big Red Pony and Junior the Donkey have songs too. I just find myself singing, and when the words click, you can just see it in their face. Fergus taught me how that works.

[fergusnc]

I am so sorry for your loss. Great big hugs to you.

Nothing makes it easier, but for me during my recent loss, I found comfort in knowing that I kept my promise to my boy - he never wanted for anything while I had him 'til the day he passed. I hope you, too, can find some comfort in doing that for Fergus, because that is all our horses can hope for - having the love and companionship and comfort you provided to him all those years. And I'm glad you got those photos, they will only get more special with time.

Godspeed, Fergus.

Kelo and Sue...I had a good friend tell me how important that was to her when she said goodbye to het boy. It actually triggered the memory of my promise on the morning of his arrival. I was able to hold that close in his last month with me, that whenever the time came, I would be able to say the same. Right now it's all still sort of in my head, but I hope that with time it will seep down into my heart so I can really hold it close now that he is no longer in the pasture.

I thought of it as my finest moment and I think you can too.

I hope so Billy. I really hope so. There was no other option that jibed with how I loved him, and it was as good as we could make it, so I hope so.

Dallas and Junior haven't left the barnyard in 2 days...will see what today holds. Typically they can't wait to head into a daytime pasture, but they have zero interest. Ferg is settled in the woods beside the barnyard, the last time they were close to him was when I kept them all in the barn from Saturday dinner through late Sunday afternoon when he walked away...I wanted Ferg to have company and the boys to have time to absorb what I think they needed to absorb. It feels like they are just staying close to him as best they can. I know they are grieving and confused too. Yesterday a friend told me that she knew a horse who refused to walk out of the barn for several weeks after his buddy died. And my vet told me that the best friend of her mom's horse stood on her best friend's grave for three straight weeks. I'm thankful they are feeling better than those examples, but I know they are hurting too.

[LeoApp]

You always did right by Fergus and he knew that. I am so sorry for your loss and my eyes are stinging with tears. (((hugs))). It is so hard to do, but on the other hand, not that hard if you love them enough. I am glad the vet reinforced that the decision you made was the right one at the right time. It's the last gift we can give them, after all they have given us.

[Xanthoria]

For so many people, doing the right thing is all a lot of talk - they watch an animal suffer and slip until the light goes out. You're so brave to give your sweet boy that most unselfish, painful gift of passing before the world was unbearable. Hats off to you and lovely Fergus, and many gentle hugs

[Hayburner]

20 some odd years ago, I had an animal communicator read my heart horse. She said some things that just really clicked. I only had him for a year or so when I had the reading done. One thing that really was odd, was that he was sad, a gray máre has passed and he never got to say goodbye. He liked her and missed her. I was shocked as she was a moody cranky mare. He said she was buried without her halter and she should have had it on.

This communicator was doing this by phone! And a few months prior a gray mare had passed, it was a horrible death, she was pregnant with twins and hemorrhaged, it was a mess at the barn. I checked with the owners and she was buried without her halter.

The next day I took him up to where she was buried and let him say his goodbyes. They know, they really know when a
Another horse has passed. I'm glad yours got to say their goodbyes. They will get thru this it just may take a little time for them to find their way. I think taking my horse up there helped him move pass the loss of her.

[Moutaineer]

I'm so sorry, Fergus.

[Snork]

For so many people, doing the right thing is all a lot of talk - they watch an animal suffer and slip until the light goes out. You're so brave to give your sweet boy that most unselfish, painful gift of passing before the world was unbearable. Hats off to you and lovely Fergus, and many gentle hugs

This, a 100x this. I’m sorry for your loss, Fergus.

[Chancellor]

I am so sorry Fergus! Agree 100% with Snork and Xan.

[piedmontfields]

A beautiful and heart-wrenching story of love. Godspeed Fergus. You will not be forgotten.

[PhoenixRising]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

[khall]

Godspeed Fergus and gentle hugs to you fergusnc. A peaceful passing is the last gift we can give to our friends.

[fergusnc]

Thanks to all of you for your kind words, and for your understanding. "Lost" seems to be a good word for how I feel these days...and it's nice to be able to talk to people who understand. It's possible to hold it all together these days, getting through work and chores and responsibilities...but when down time creeps up----I feel very out of sorts. Some of that may be that in these last months there was no chance of down time due to Ferg's needs...part of it may just be my brain starting to process in those quiet moments. I know it's just what it is...everyone has a path and a process. But it really helps to be able to share with you guys.

[piedmontfields]

It is so hard. Peace to you, fergusnc, and please keep checking in.

[Chisamba]

Now that a little time has passed, I just want to say you are so very very lucky to have been able to give your beloved horse good and gentle death. And I am sorry for your sadness