Today is Fergus' and my 20th anniversary... :-(

[fergusnc]

The realization hit me during AM barn chores this morning, and it about leveled me. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we let him go. I still cry every day, usually a few times a day. I expect that to happen for a long, long, long time, and I know that's OK if it does. My brain is starting to lower its guard and let in images of those final moments together, which I know is part of it, but this is one of the many sucky phases for sure. Last night I had the full-on sobs, thinking about the trust they have in us, how I literally led him to his final resting spot and he walked right along, never doubting me. How his vet gave him an IV injection/sedation like she'd done so many times over their 12+ years together and he never had an inkling of what we were up to or what was going to be in the next injections. I freaked out, wondering if I should have said some special words to let him know it was coming. I felt physically ill. I know it's a gift to them and I know the alternative (lingering and usually suffering until death) is not an option at all...but sometimes my mind goes dark at the reality that we are just plain ol' ending their very lives. Dogs, cats, equines, bunnies, all of them...we do that TO them. Yes, it's out of the deepest love, and yes their trust in us is beautiful. But right now, today, it's hard to focus on that. Right now I am just so very sad...and I know that's OK too.

I have some awesome memories. Someday they will take the forefront again. I have beautiful pictures, and some videos, and I even found the really technically-awful footage my Dad took on his "camcorder" the day I went to the breeder's farm to look at the prospects. Both of my parents are gone now, and you can see and/or hear, them both in that footage. You can even hear me whispering to my Mom, "hey Mom, this one is my horse" as the breeder free-longed Fergus around the paddock. And Da would pan away from the horse to take in the "beautiful countryside" and I'd see muddy blankets and an old farmhouse and mushy winter pastures, LOL!!!

Fergus wasn't supposed to be on the list for me to see that day. He was under contract to someone from the midwest, but 2 days before my arrival she had to back out due to a family emergency that wouldn't allow the financial burden of a horse. I wasn't supposed to be in Pennsylvania that weekend...I was supposed to be in Raleigh looking at a 10 year old 2nd level horse who was a dream to show. So of course I ended up looking at yearlings and 2 year olds who had never left the farm where they were born. Fergus' birthday was right around the exact time of my first-ever dressage lesson after a lifetime of hunt seat lessons and trail rides and catch rides exercising horses of busy people who were happy to have a horse-crazy rider keep their horses fit for free and fun. When Fergus was led from his stall by the working student, he turned the corner and we made immediate eye contact. I literally couldn't catch my breath and I think my heart skipped a beat. He never looked away from my eyes as he cam down the long barn aisle. He had the most amazingly soulful and intelligent eyes. It was like we already knew each other, me and this gangly, fuzzy, 2 year old who wasn't by the stallion I preferred. I remember thinking, "oh shit, I just fell in love with the wrong one". But it turns out I didn't.

These pictures were taken a week or two after he arrived. Crazy NC winters...ice and sub-freezing temps for arrival, short-sleeve weather a couple of weeks later.

Thanks for letting me share. I know you guys get it.

[PaulaO]

Oh honey, I know your pain. It is so raw right now. I bought Ariel on the same date I bought Bob. September 2. Bob’s birthday is my PIN for my work phone number. Last week I had to look up Ariel’s birthday. For 3 years I sat shiva on the date of Bob’s transition.

It get better but not in the way you think it should. It will always hurt. I STILL cry and it’s been 6 years. But one day you will wake in the morning and grief will not be the first emotion you feel.

[KathyK]

Last night I had the full-on sobs, thinking about the trust they have in us, how I literally led him to his final resting spot and he walked right along, never doubting me. How his vet gave him an IV injection/sedation like she'd done so many times over their 12+ years together and he never had an inkling of what we were up to or what was going to be in the next injections. I freaked out, wondering if I should have said some special words to let him know it was coming.

Here's the thing: his trust wasn't misplaced, and he never doubted you because of that trust. He went peacefully. That wouldn't have happened if somehow, some way, you had been able to let him know what was coming. His trust in you was perfect and right and I hope you can come to see that clearly in the coming days.

[Ryeissa]

So sorry for your loss....in my case it's been 8 years and things are worse now, at first you sort of just go on ...Then things catch up....other things magnify the loss. Just my opinion..... it is definitely life changing, not just because of horses but it affected how I see life in general.
I don't comment a lot on these threads as they upset me too much, but I get it....

[amygdala]

last spring i euthanised my 40 year old pony. he was my best friend for 25 years.
in restrspect, i wish i had done it 2 months earlier.

i think there is a chasm between what the head thinks-- final gift, saving him from suffering, etc etc
and what my heart feels. like, yes, i know i'm doing the right thing
AND IT WAS JUST FRIGGIN WEIRD TO PREPARE MY BEST FRIEND FOR EXECUTION, AND THEN PARTICIPATE!
for me, it wsa a total mindf**k..
i can't see any way to make this easier. seeing him out was part of my responibility as his human guardian.
and i'm crying as i type this, wishing peace for you. it does get easier as time passes, and the hole in my life
is not as jagged, and does help some that i gave him the best life i could-- he was a happy guy for most of his life.

and i hope it helps that your other animals need you. (((hugs)))

[silk]

From one horseperson lucky enough to have a 20-year bond with their horse, to another - many, many, heartfelt hugs.

Scarlett's 25th birthday is next week, I didn't know if she'd get there or not last year after a terminal and untreatable cancer diagnosis. So far, so ok, but I know I will be in your shoes in the (near?) future. I just can't fathom, and at the same time I know exactly how bad it will feel.

[fergusnc]

It get better but not in the way you think it should. It will always hurt. I STILL cry and it’s been 6 years. But one day you will wake in the morning and grief will not be the first emotion you feel.

This makes sense. Along the way of this journey, just knowing what was coming despite there not being scientific indicators that I should expect it, I started reading a book called Its OK That You're Not OK. It was tough to read, but really made me think about loss throughout my lifetime...and how people think, act, speak. The author pretty much started out by saying that it sucked, and it wouldn't ever be OK again...just different, because we are different, and the people that were OK before the loss can never be that same person/same version of OK after the loss because the world is different for them.

Here's the thing: his trust wasn't misplaced, and he never doubted you because of that trust. He went peacefully. That wouldn't have happened if somehow, some way, you had been able to let him know what was coming. His trust in you was perfect and right and I hope you can come to see that clearly in the coming days.

This also makes sense. And I think I'm thinking like a human, while they think like a horse. It would have been terrifying for him to know. That would have been unkind. Part of what made his passing slightly bearable was how peacefully he went, no fighting the drugs, no after-the-fact reactions of his body, no big dramatic crash. He laid down for us, and I think that is what saved me.

So sorry for your loss....in my case it's been 8 years and things are worse now, at first you sort of just go on ...Then things catch up....other things magnify the loss. Just my opinion..... it is definitely life changing, not just because of horses but it affected how I see life in general.
I don't comment a lot on these threads as they upset me too much, but I get it....

I think I get it Rye. When he had his first episode in June, and I knew in my heart what road we were on, I lost it. And I couldn't find it again, despite how hard I tried. I cried all the time. I doubted every decision I made across the entire course of my horse-loving life. I felt blindsided and stupid. I said crazy stuff that was 100% as unlike me as I could get. And I believed it. I honestly, literally, think it was midlife crisis. I tried to get better. I added things in that "should" have helped me based on how I do life. And I got so mad at myself for not "getting over" all of it. I had never had an experience like this before. I went to counseling for the first time in my life. Thank goodness, it has helped a ton. I say now, in full sincerity, it was a midlife crisis. And it kicked in as the result of trauma...that sounded so extreme to my ears, but the therapist told me that was exactly what it was for me...that choke out of nowhere, the recurrence of the EPM yet again, the gut instinct that more was to come. And it was grief...crushing grief...even though he was still with me. It's been a process, and I am so thankful for those 7.5 months together between the first episode and saying goodbye. It scares me to think of how poorly I would have done if I'd lost him that first June day. So, all that to say, I think I understand the potential for that life changing aspect you mention. For me, I had started going through that years back due to all the EPM, the progressively decreasing riding, the eventual lack of riding, and moving home. The total loss of a barn family and network over the last few years of boarding, etc etc etc. As I prepared for losing him...for the first time in all of our years together it seemed inevitable...I struggled with being me without him. So, having been though those feelings and changes and thoughts, I can see how the future can be worse in some ways. It's also made me a bit more Leary of mortality, aging, getting to the place of being that 85 year old woman you see in the newsclip and who goes to a therapy center to "ride a horse one more time before she dies".

i think there is a chasm between what the head thinks-- final gift, saving him from suffering, etc etc
and what my heart feels.

Thanks Amygdala, it's nice to hear someone say the same thoughts have crossed their minds. It really is a messed up concept...but no way around it...love/loss/pain/joy...all so intertwined.

I just can't fathom, and at the same time I know exactly how bad it will feel.

Silk, wishing you peace and ways to soak up every moment you and Scarlett have left to share. You described exactly how I thought/felt in much of our last months together. As my therapist told me, "there is no way around it, you will be shattered." It sort of helped to hear that from a professional instead of "you'll be ok"...because I knew I wouldn't. The other thing she told me that I hung onto...as I sobbed and sobbed about the eventuality, she told me that that depth of grief and anguish was the other side of the coin that was immense love and commitment and connection. And that some day, that would be something I would be able to see/absorb. It helps a lot that I have some sweet photos from a month before we said goodbye. That was due to a post from Kelo that got me thinking...and I am so grateful for those pictures, even though initially I didn't think I wanted to have any photos from this part of our journey. It also helped that I started some rituals to try to really soak it all in...nose kisses in 100% of my interactions, scratches with even meal delivery, and professing of love and well wishes for a good day/night/whatever every time I walked away from the barn. It helped me be more present with him, and i am trying to keep it going with the other two, as best I can right now.

[piedmontfields]

Being present, kind and loving is huge--in every moment. Thinking of you.