Divorce- how did you get through it

[Dresseur]

My husband of 17 years called it quits. I’m blindsided and devastated and so scared. There are no kids, part of the issue that caused this, but. How did you guys pick up the pieces?

[demi]

I am so sorry to hear this, Dresseur. All I can do is give you a big virtual hug. (((((Dresseur)))). You happen to be one of my favorite dressage riders and it makes me sad that you have to go through this....

[khall]

I’m so sorry dresseur. Make sure you care for yourself

[exvet]

I am so sorry Dresseur. I went through much of the same thing when my marriage of 24 years came to a halt close to 7 years ago. I was away teaching for 2 days in New Orleans and caught an early flight home only to be greeted by a semi-empty house and a letter on my key board. My kids were both out of the house by then. While I knew my spouse was unhappy (manic depression and refused help) I was caught off guard. He had a habit of having his crises whenever I had some type of public success - job promotion, positive reports in newspapers, winning awards, etc. Usually he would just take off for a month or two; but, this time it was clear that he had no intention of coming back. The first few weeks were a blur for me. I was preparing to foal out Junior's dam and though I had been actively downsizing due to his demands and edicts I still had 8 horses to care for and was working full-time at a job with a one and half hour commute one way in addition to my second job working for the University of Missouri. To top it off my father was entering his down slide with severe dementia at this time. I had no other choice but to go into survival mode. I quickly (though the horse relocation took over 2 years to finalize) went to work re-homing 3 dogs, 2 cats and selling all of my horses except the stinker pony, Junior and his dam (who I finally had to break down and sell). I thought that all my hard work and especially my dreams had come to a crashing end.............but.........when Junior was born I knew that some how I was not going to let it all die out, hence his name, Annwylid Dare to Dream. While he was a bright spot, I was still forced to give up a job I loved in order to obtain one closer to my parents in case of emergency and one that gave me health benefits (I had none after my spouse walked out, divorce not yet final and got kicked in the face requiring plastic surgery to repair). Again, I thought I was losing all I had worked so hard for including being forced to sell my ranch but in the end things have turned out so much for the better.

I was lucky that my mother lived close by and has been, even with her onset of dementia, a huge base of moral support. She said from the beginning, "All things happen for a reason." I unfortunately/fortunately found out exactly who my real friends were/are through the divorce process. Those who turned out to be true friends were also a huge help; so, hold those people and supportive family members close to you. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be scared. It's also okay not to have all the answers to every question in regards to how you are going to make certain things happen.

What the divorce and then the need to care for my ailing parents, did for me in the end was force me to simplify my life. I also found out exactly how strong I really am and that despite my children having been adults at the time, how much they needed my strength. I won't go into the details of what it's like to live with an individual with manic depression and classic narcissism at their core but there was a lot of emotional and psychological healing that was needed for myself and both of my adult children. Once the initial sting of the rejection and his leaving had subsided a bit, I started to recognize not only the ongoing damage that had been done due to his presence but just how much better I was without all of that baggage. And while I did lose a lot and was forced to change my lifestyle involuntarily, the simplicity and ability to make decisions without always worrying about how it was going to be perceived and received (ie, the backlash) was more than liberating. It took a good year for me to really hammer out the details and come up with a plan for my future but once I got the template for that plan in place, I honestly have not looked back despite my ex-spouse's attempts to 're-connect'.

I know how hard it is to believe right now but you are a strong, valued individual who will bounce back from this even stronger and more determined than ever, as cliche as that might sound. If you ever just need to talk, there are a lot of us who've been through this. Feel free to PM and huge cyber hugs to you.....I know that this is not easy.

[piedmontfields]

Dresseur, I'm very sorry for the news.

Exvet gives excellent perspective and insight. Although I have not been through a divorce, the people close to me who have and have come out the other side in good mental and overall shape had a similar timeline and process.

Thinking of you.

[Sue B]

I am so very sorry for you Dresseur. Exvet does indeed give excellent insight. You WILL make it through this and no, this awful feeling is not forever. My sister finally filed for divorce a few years ago after a long, tumultuous marriage (after the kids were up and out) and it is finally just about done with. Protect yourself and what assets you have with a good lawyer, don't try to do it yourself or be the "nice guy" in all of this. In the end, divorce is a business deal.

Emotionally, you will find out who you REAL friends are--find them and let them help support you. All I can offer is cyber hugs ((((((())))))))))

[PhoenixRising]

I think my situation was a bit different from yours, since we weren't married nearly as long and there were always red flags I ignored. But regardless, I was devastated when we split.

At first it was supposed to just be a separation, but during that time I went home to live with my parents while he went to another state for work. We were supposed to work on ourselves and move back in together a few months later to see if we could make things work. This never happened, and the separation ended up lasting close to 3 years before we officially divorced.

Truthfully, I was flailing for quite awhile. I was bitter, I was angry, and I was hurting. I made a good friend during this time who later admitted to hating me at first, until she realized I was in a lot of emotional pain and lashing out, and she began to reach out to me.

This was when I sold both of my horses, and a lifetime worth of accumulated tack and supplies thinking I'd never have horses again. I saw a therapist who helped me a lot. He tried to convince me to keep both of my horses and I should have listened. I went several times a week for awhile, and I remember a real breakthrough for me was when he looked at me and said "so what you're telling me is... you're not the problem". And I realized I wasn't.

Truth was my ex was most definitely a narcissist. But he was also a liar, and a big fat cheater. I fully believe he slept with as many other people as he could. He had this need for everyone to like him while at the same time acting like an absolutely horrendous person would. I was cut off from friends and groups I enjoyed. I wish I'd have seen it then. It wasn't until around a year ago someone actually came forward and told me what he did to them during the time that we were together. The emotional manipulation, the demanding sex, and then the threatening if she ever told anyone.

It was a long, hard road and I honestly didn't feel like myself for several years. Around the time we finally decided to file for divorce, I started looking at horses again. Just browsing websites and craigslist, I knew I was absolutely in no position to own, but gosh I missed them and I was beginning to realize how dead I was inside. Then I stumbled across Phoenix. Phoenix is one of those meant to be, life changing horses that I truly believe I only ended up with because God or fate or the universe or whatever you believe in, decided that I needed her. And I did and do need her. I named her Phoenix (like the bird) because of where I was in my life. I felt like my life was in ruins... here I was living with my parents, struggling to pay bills (around this time I went to lunch and almost had my car reposessed), and just absolutely broken. But dam*** I was going to come back from this. She's a daily reminder to not let myself get lost again.

Having Phoenix has introduced me to some of the best people in my life now. They didn't know my whole story, but they kept appearing when I needed them, and rallying around us. It took a village, but here we are today in a world of a different place.

I also got a dog that I'd been asking for for years. I had a miniature dachshund at the beginning of our relationship, who was stolen out of my vehicle one day (the weather was nice and in the 60's, the windows were cracked, I was inside maybe 5 minutes, and I didn't realize my auto locks were broken). But he hated her so much because I loved her so much, that he never let me get another. Before deciding on a divorce officially, but around the time I realized and accepted he wasn't coming back.... I got my Rue.

I mean, really this is the short version... But time, therapy, support from friends and family (and strangers), lots of equine therapy, and allowing myself to care for myself and have the things I love are ultimately what got me through.

You will get though this. It might take awhile, but you're strong and capable. Continue to love yourself, and seek support where you need it. Like exvet, my inbox is always open if you need to talk. (((Dresseur)))

[Flight]

So sorry Dresseur! I wasn't married but as good as and struggled through a break up (long time ago now). I've just had 2 close friends go through divorces too.
Just go one day at a time, it's so daunting at the start. It does work out though, usually for the better.

[Dresseur]

Thank you all. Just knowing that others have been through and survived is heartening. I'm just heartbroken and sick to my stomach over all of this, and so, so scared.

[exvet]

I lost over 10 lbs during the initial blitzkrieg. It is important to take care of yourself. Everyone's situation and experience is different, but.........

You may not be in a frame of mind to read this just yet but take time to shop around for lawyers. I'm glad I did. This wasn't in order to take advantage of anyone; but, my ex already had an agreement drawn up and left on my keyboard along with 'the' letter. It seemed so easy.........or so he wanted me to believe. Most of the lawyers told me I was 'lucky' because I had a slightly better paying job and my ex was being so kind and generous when they read his proposal (he'd been working with a lawyer for close to 6 months and paying him all the while out of our joint account unbeknownst to me because I let him handle all of our finances.....but there were some things he left out that I had amended. Again they were fair changes to his original 'plan'.)

My ex, of course, did not want me to 'waste money on a lawyer'........while it's not my favorite profession and it seemed my lawyer really didn't have a lot to do for the money, there were what seemed to be some minor issues that I wouldn't have been successful in changing if it wasn't for my lawyer. Little did I know that those changes would be integral in my own and my family's health and welfare down the road.

My ex also had me taken off his insurance without my knowledge before the divorce was final. I had a job that didn't and wouldn't provide benefits. So while our divorce did not become adversarial, I did have to relatively quickly take stock in everything, know where it all REALLY was and make sure by taking a deep dive through every aspect of our financial past that I had all the practical bases covered.

Try to focus on what you still have, not on what you feel you are losing. Hard to do, I know. I would get angry when I would hear people tell me to just accept it; but, once I realized I was wasting needed energy to move forward I also realized they were only stating what was true and not making slight against me or what I wished might have been. Losing my breeding program and dreams I had worked so hard for was almost as bad as losing a marriage I thought I had. Thankfully I realized I had experience reinventing myself professionally which always worked out in the past and I accepted that it was what I was going to have to do [again] along with my hobby/dream and my personal life. It took time to get 'there' but I felt almost instant relief once I did.

The pain was still there but I used it not to get back at my ex but to move as far forward and away as I could get. The path will become apparent to you once you start looking at all your options for re-building your life. Again your real friends, supportive family members, and therapists (I went to one) can help you find perspective. It's all too easy to fall into the trap of where we let the marriage define us............Do not forget who you are.

[PaulaO]

First thing you do is a get a shark lawyer, preferably a woman. Second thing you do is get a divorce therapist. I went to one who specialized in getting women through a divorce. The divorce is one thing; the aftershocks and ripples are a second thing. Very important: Finances. Make sure he has not hidden any money. Go through all financial statements with a fine tooth comb. Take half the money out of your joint accounts and open a checking account in your name only.

I was divorced about 18 years ago. It took a long time for me to forgive MYSELF and realize that while I wasn't a perfect wife, he wasn't a perfect husband. Don't assume all the blame. Also. I hate to say this. I guarantee he already has someone else.

Living well is the best revenge.

[texsuze]

All I can say is "WOW" at the life situations and resilience divulged here. I've only seen divorce from the sidelines, but from what I am reading from others, there is much wisdom and important perspective being shared. Good luck, Dresseur, in advancing forward though this situation, one deliberate step at a time.

[PhoenixRising]

I'm just heartbroken and sick to my stomach over all of this, and so, so scared.

I spent weeks crying at the drop of a hat, and barely ate for what felt like months. I don't remember if I actually lost weight, I didn't have much to lose. When all of it started, I had been starting young horses on the side. Usually just 2-3 a month in addition to riding my own horses. The ladies who owned and lived at that barn would constantly invite me to dinner and tell me I still had to eat.
After moving in with my parents, I remember someone from their church seeing me several months later and commenting on how much better I looked. Apparently I had looked about as dead on the outside as I felt inside.

I do agree with the lawyer recommendations. I never did get a lawyer, since I was completely and totally broke, but I should have.
I definitely could have gotten a more fair deal. We had no property except our cars, but I certainly could have gotten something for destruction and loss of my property that he had possession of during the separation. Not to mention the chunk of money from selling my horses (thank God not all of it) that he convinced me to spend getting "us" a rental house... which he then refused to let me set foot in.

[Josette]

Dresseur - I am so sorry for your situation. You have gotten excellent advise here from others with this experience. I went through a major health crisis some years ago that I would never wish on anyone - but it did make me stronger and better able to identify my life priorities. I wish you the very best in the future.

[Koolkat]

Just want to join the line of concerned well wishers. I went through a divorce ~45 years ago (it was practically a child marriage - 19 yo, LOL). Although I initiated it, it was not without "provocation" and even then, it was very hard to disentangle our 2 lives. You have my sympathies. A chemistry professor asked me why I missed an exam and when told a divorce was going on, he said, "Oh my god, I went through one of those, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy". Those words always stuck, the pain is universal. I can also tell you that my life was changed in many ways by that decision, including subsequently being happily married for 30 years. Wishing you the best of all outcomes.

[KathyK]

I'm so sorry, Dresseur. Being blindsided is awful, and not easy to get through. But you will get through it, I promise. You've gotten good advice re: lawyers and I hope you will find one who stands up for you and your rights. Day to day, the best advice I can give you is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, don't clutter your mind with "what ifs," and look ahead and not back. There's plenty of joy and happiness ahead when you are ready for it. Hugs to you.

[Rockabilly]

I have not gone through this particular crisis, but what I want to say is what a group of brave, rezilient women you are. It just overwhelms me for you to share your experience. We want each other to do well and we support each other. Thank You for sharing your experiences. You never know how many people you may influence.

[Hayburner]

Have you sat down and talked this thru with him? Would going to marriage counseling be of any benefit?

Is he really done or is he shooting from the hip for other reasons?

I have been separated for almost 10 years and a divorce will probably come next year. Unfortunately, I lived for over 5 years with a lying, cheating spouse. I kept hoping it would end, it never did. He was the one who finally left for one of his bimbos that didn't last anyway. I can't begin to tell you the amount of stress I was under for all those years. Looking back it would have been so much easier to just have ended it sooner. But, I still loved him and wanted it to work. I was weak!

I am sorry you are going thru this, it isn't easy, but as other responses have noted they are in a better place now, they are happy. It takes a lot to let go of 17 years, family, friends, memories, etc. But, you can get thru it!

Take care of yourself, talk to a counselor, stay in touch with your family and friends, cry it out. But, do not beg him to work this out! I found out the hard way that begging them only makes it worse, they see us as weak and needy and gives them more power against us.

Talk to a lawyer just to see where you stand in all this. Don't let him get the upper hand.

Be strong, we are all here for you!

Hugs

[Dresseur]

Thank you all. Just knowing that others have survived storms like this is encouraging.

Hayburner, I have. I did all that I could do. The thing is, he has been thinking about this for a while now, and just never bothered to tell me. So, his mind was made up. We did one marriage counseling session, that I thought went really well and I was heartened that maybe we could find a way through this, but he came home that night and did an about face and said he was done, nothing will change his mind. So, he's done. But, he's not willing to do the work that comes with his decision, so I'm having to do all the steps to dissolve our marriage and it's heart breaking. I'm mostly worried about financials right now. We're fairly even in all the things, except I stand to lose my horse and i have a fair amount more in my 401k. I want to settle things out while he still feels guilty. I have nothing in my own name, and while I set up an account, I have no cards to that account and therefore no access to my own money. So, until I am able to transfer my paycheck direct deposit and have a chance to save some money. I have nothing on my own. I'm going to consult with a lawyer to see what my options are - but at this point, I want him out of the house and I want things to be settled.

[Hayburner]

Dresser, Please do not jump the gun and sell your horse! Your horse is support you will need In This journey. You may have to cut back on a few things to afford the horse for awhile, but things have a way of working out. I always felt God brought horses in to my life after my marriage as he knew I would need a reason to carry on and get past a very ugly situation. If I didn't have my horse I probably would have been sitting on a bar stool getting drink.

Even if your bank accounts are in both names there should not be a reason you can't just go in and withdraw all the money or a nice portion and start a new account. Just write yourself a check! If checks don't require 2 signatures you should be fine.

Do not back down on finances, he is the one that wants out, let him pay for his freedom. As guilty as you think he feels, he will get advise from others and this could get very ugly. Protect yourself!

I'm sorry you are going thru this, and hopefully in the end you will feel a sense of relief and end up happier than the time in your marriage.

[Dresseur]

I'm definitely not selling Miro. Hell, I'm thisclose to GP... no f'ng way am I giving that up. And yea, I did a full inventory of the house so that I would have it. I need to get into the safe so that I can see his DD214 and see if I'm under the 10/10 rule for military retirement perks. I just don't want any credit to get messed up right now, so am reluctant to draw out of joint account until we separate bills more. But it occurred to me that the same way that I'm getting advice to protect myself etc, he is too.

So, next question. We have 17+ years of stuff - tools, equipment etc. How do you even go about getting rid of that shit??? Can you sell it with the house? I have no clue what to do with it all.

[Ponichiwa]

No advice, but tons of commiseration. I'm sorry you're going through more turmoil in a year of disruption, and I hope you can continue to find solace and peace at the barn.

You can indeed sell tools/equipment with a home. Been there, done that (instead of moving various bits and bobs across multiple states). In my case I'm not sure it added much value to the home or that I got the cash equivalent of trying to sell all the tools/equipment myself, but my relocation for work was on a relatively short timeframe and it was worth it to me to have everything move in one go.

RE: money-- suggest collecting several months' or years' worth of statements from any joint accounts you have, and having a discussion (via your legal representation) ASAP about equitable dissolution of joint accounts. Don't let this one linger.

[Dresseur]

I'm definitely not. Although, in another about face... suddenly he wants the house, and does NOT want to move in with his parents (not that I blame him). But suddenly he has all these ideas about what he wants to do with the house, nevermind we have projects that have been sitting for 10 years. In any case. Maybe that's easier than selling - he can buy me out of the equity and I can have money to put a down payment on a house. That being said, I need cash asap - I wouldn't get much from the house... maybe 20k. I'll feel better when I have direct deposits going into my new account.

[Flight]

You are sounding smart about it all Dresseur which is great. These things can get ugly and some men can become, well knobs about it all. Keep thinking smart and don't get ripped off financially.

Tools and stuff - keep some! I was on my own for 12 years after my split and you start needing some of that stuff.

[khall]

When we had to downsize my parents we donated a bunch of stuff

[PaulaO]

I signed a quit claim deed for our house, essentially giving hm the house. Everyone told me not to do it but we had the mortgage plus a home equity loan and I knew we”d be upside down if we sold it. I took the $7k in our bank account and he got the house. I ended up better than he did. He eventually ran out of money, had to sell his “collector” car, and lost the house to the bank.

[Hayburner]

Glad you took an inventory of what is in the house, be sure to take pictures too!

Not to scare you but he may bring up the value of your horse and associated tack,etc. Just prepare yourself for that just in case it does get ugly.

A friend is moving to another state and significantly downsizing and what they were not taking an auctioneer came and got all the stuff they didn't want. They got paid in advance since he groups lots of items together and runs a large auction

Don't forget you can sell all kinds of things on Facebook Marketplace. They sold a lot thru there!

We sold our house and I am so sorry I did that, I should have stayed a year or so then made a descion if I wanted to stay or sell. Probably the dumbest thing I could have done! My new house ended up costing way more money and I don't even like it.

Try to be peaceful even though your heart is breaking

[exvet]

You received excellent advice in regards to the house, 'stuff' and your horse. In addition to your itemized inventory with pictures I would determine what things you definitely want (no exceptions), the items you would like and what you can walk away from with few regrets and document it. You may want to consider getting an appraisal of your home. I did and am so glad I did. It forced my ex to put off selling the house for a year in order for us to realize more value (better market) and opened his eyes to some of the reality of his past decisions as opposed to his own slanted reality. Of course I had to listen to his scathing rants about how I was sabotaging his freedom by doing so. The tough part for me though was I did have to take care of the entire property and get it sale ready mostly on my own with minimal help from him because of his 'mental anguish' and need to go 'heal himself'. It did give me time to downsize my collection of animals and make sure I had them placed appropriately as opposed to having a true fire sale. Unfortunately there were some items that he took and moved before I knew what was happening. I had to make a decision to walk away from those things instead of fighting to get them back or a portion of them back. In the long run, that decision also worked to my benefit. Just writing down what I was willing to fight for if it came to it gave me a perspective and edge that allowed me to 'play into his hands' as he had designed (in other words let him believe he was pulling all the strings and getting exactly what he wanted) ..................but...................in the end I am much better off than what he had envisioned for me

[Kelo]

Hugs, Dresseur.

I too got surprised by my divorce and that is tough. My ex had some serious mental/personal issues -- I tried to get him help but it was easier for him to just blame his issues on me rather than facing/addressing them. I understand the shock and the emotional turmoil -- I had some pretty severe issues surrounding my shock in the weeks following, and it wasn't a good time. Take care of yourself, and if you can't do that, you might need to enlist help (family or a friend that will make sure you're eating, etc).

My advice is, first and foremost, get a good lawyer and don't walk down the "let's be fair" path. It does NOT take them long to go from guilt to greed, and you need to do everything you can to protect yourself and get yourself as safe as possible as fast as possible. There's time for civility after you figure out how to get your stuff. You can choose to not be petty as you go along, but your first concern HAS to be you. Figure out what is most important to you, and fight for those things, everything else has to be negotiable.

As far as personal issues, I got a therapist and it helped me a LOT. As I mentioned, my ex had personal and mental issues, and our entire relationship he told me how all of it was my fault, and I had internalized all of it. Therapy helped me understand more about his mental issues, why he did what he did, and helped me understand the truth -- it brought me through all that guilt and anger I was struggling with and remove myself from the stuff that was not my fault. It was very revealing to understand not only what the situation was, but also my own weaknesses and how I could deal with them.

Also, you really do find out who your friends are. A few of my friends were there for me every time I had a breakdown, listened to me cry and ramble and bolstered me when I needed it. Some treated me like I had the plague. And I will add that I haven't forgotten who was who. But lean on those who will be there for you. It's hard to ask for help, but you need it and they want to help you. Open up and tell them what you need. I even had a divorce party after all the paperwork became official. It seems ridiculous but it was very much a "that chapter's closed, on to the next one" milestone moment for me.

But it's been years now, and I can honestly say I'm 1,000% happier now. I was VERY unhappy in my marriage even if I was still trying to make it work. After I got through those initial months, where everything was a blur and I felt like I was drowning, I popped up into the metaphorical fresh air and felt like the old me again. I could be HAPPY, I could laugh and feel joy and do stuff without being dragged down by someone who hated themselves. I understand it can feel hopeless now, and this time is dark, but know that it can be way better. You just have to put one foot in front of the other for awhile.

Good luck. I'm around if you need to vent.

[Ryeissa]

OH! that is just terrible! I am so so sorry. Message me anytime

[Tarlo Farm]

You have gotten great advice from others here. I have nothing to add, in spite of going through this as well, though I was the one who insisted on the divorce due to his increasing erratic behavior and drug abuse. One day at a time. You will get through this.
I used to say to myself; "By this time next year, it will be better." Believe that. It will. {{{{Hugs!}}}

[Darby]

Also, please keep in mind that, by posting here and/or elsewhere, you may be serving as inspiration to someone who is about to go down the road of divorce themselves. You will show them that, though overwhelming, it can be done, and you will come out whole at the end.

For me, the hardest part was not knowing how things would end up. It was during the ’08 recession, and between the divorce, the economy, and uncertain employment, it felt like I had an awful lot of balls in the air. Oh, and a parent exhibiting the beginning signs of dementia, too. So, I moved out in 2008, had an ex who actively tried to ruin me financially, and left me saddled with debt, lost my job in 2010, and lost my mom not long after. Luckily, I was unemployed a very short time, could scale back *drastically* and get debt paid off, and was able to buy myself a new house once the divorce was finalized (that process took *much* longer than I ever would have guessed - 2 years +). It was such a liberating feeling to get through that, and I felt downright triumphant once I bought my own home again. I knew I was doing the right thing all along, I never doubted that, I just didn't know how I’d get through to the other side.

Now, I've relocated, and am able to face 2020 well grounded. Really, I cannot count the ways that I am in a better position now than I was then!

You will get there, too!

[redsoxluvr]

I got divorced last year - mine came completely out of the blue after 28 years of marriage. I had no idea my spouse was unhappy. It was and continues to be the most devastating thing that has happened to me. My former spouse has mental issues too and it's difficult to see him in the position he is in. It's awful and amazing to me to see how much misery one person can foist upon another that they supposedly cared about. I can't even begin to think about dating again - the whole process makes me want to hurl.

Hugs to you, Dresseur.

[Darby]

Redsoxluvr-

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. While I think that normally the first year or so after a divorce feels like a somewhat unstable recovery period, this year has been anything but normal. The political, health and economic tensions must make this year extraordinarily difficult.

Hang in there. I hope that things start getting better sooner rather than later.

Darby

[Dresseur]

Just as an update. I'm doing about as fine as I can be. I am seeing a therapist to help me get through this time, and while most of it feels completely overwhelming, I'm getting through day by day. Redsoxluvr, your situation sounds similar to mine. I had no idea the level of unhappiness and resent he was was harboring, and I'm coming to realize that I don't have to own that - I was not solely responsible for his happiness - that has to come from within him, and he was unwilling to let me or anyone else in enough to discuss or help. The bad thing is he's gotten a bit nasty, lots of weird, baseless accusations - like I'm tampering with his food, or I'm deliberately wrecking the upstairs to take down the equity of the house etc. It just adds hurt upon hurt.

What is bizarre to me is how quickly we became strangers once trust was blown. I don't even recognize him anymore as the person I loved and feel in love with. I guess that's good. But then the divorce papers came last week and I spent 3-4 days in an utter emotional meltdown. Mostly I feel numb, so I guess that's good too for now. Things feel less unstable now that I have a plan in place and our finances are all separated out. But then I try to pack and get things organized and it feels so impossible and overwhelming.

I'm also worried about Maia, who is incredibly stressed every time I stay over at the farm, I wish I could help her through this, and I'm just hoping that the stress level doesn't create any lasting side effects. I just wish I knew what I should be feeling and if it's normal or not -but no one can answer that but me. And in this situation, crying at the drop of a hat is perfectly normal - when 4 weeks ago, it would have not been normal.

[Ryeissa]

sending hugs I am so sorry you have to go through this situation. Thanks for letting us know how you are doing!

[Sue B]

I'm so sorry dresseur and redsox, my heart goes out to you both.

Dresseur, this feeling numb, overwhelmed etc is completely normal and is why you need a good lawyer taking care of stuff and watching out for your interests. Also, recruit really good friends to help you with packing, organizing and moving(?)--let them help you, let them prop you up when you need it. Yes, perfectly normal to cry at the drop of a hat--divorce is like a death of a spouse only worse, cuz the now former spouse is hell bent on making everything go sideways. Hugs to you guys.

[Tarlo Farm]

One day at a time, one hoof in front of the other. You'll be fine.

[Dresseur]

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me... maybe I'm a sociopath, but I feel fine right now. Like, ok, that door closed, on to the next thing. It's really, really bothering me. Maybe it's just a survival mode thing, and I had to cut my (very abusive) dad out of my life when I was 15 after he tried to kill me - so I do have practice at guillotining people out of my life... but, I'm stressing that I feel so ok right now.

[Rockabilly]

Just go with how you feel. Live it. Things will change when they need to and you will recognize it.

[texsuze]

Your head is bobbing back up out of the ocean, now that the nasty tidal wave has hit and you find you're still able to swim. Nothing wrong with recognizing your own feelings; they're likely to switch around quite a bit for a long time to come. Compartmentalizing is sometimes the best or only way to handle things in the immediate timeframe. Main thing is to stay the course!

[PaulaO]

Some days are good, some days are bad. Go with the flow. Don't try to make the bad into good. Let yourself feel.

[exvet]

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me... maybe I'm a sociopath, but I feel fine right now. Like, ok, that door closed, on to the next thing. It's really, really bothering me. Maybe it's just a survival mode thing, and I had to cut my (very abusive) dad out of my life when I was 15 after he tried to kill me - so I do have practice at guillotining people out of my life... but, I'm stressing that I feel so ok right now.

I've often been criticized for simply shutting people completely out of my life and moving forward, never speaking to them again. Well, all I can say is that when it comes to toxic relationships, that is the best thing you can do for yourself and anyone else you are responsible for as opposed to the alternative. Don't let it bother you; but, know that the fact that it does proves you're not a sociopath. That is simply the emotional trauma that you endured and it's human nature to 'be the guilty party'. Like others have said you'll swing back and forth like a pendulum which is completely normal. Survival mode is kicking in and it's where your strength is. Nothing wrong with that. You are suppose to survive. It was my father who taught me to do all that you can do and when it's clear that there is nothing more positive or productive to be done, walking away is the best thing you can do - be it your professional life, personal life, etc. You can never reclaim time. Regrets and stress are a waste of energy. Move forward, plan and dream.........those are things you'll never regret.

[Ryeissa]

how are you doing Dresseur?

[Tarlo Farm]

Yes. The holidays can be especially hard - or amazingly wonderful in a no-drama way.

Thinking of you Dresseur.