Emily Post wedding question

[pawsplus]

My step brother is getting married in the Spring. This is his second marriage, and hers as well. I am not close to him and honestly have better things to do on a Saturday in April, but since it's taking place here (even though they live in CA), I'm pretty sure I can't get away with skipping it (or risk making things even worse between me and my step mother).

My question is about a gift. Not only is this their second time at bat, but my step brother is an orthopedic surgeon. He is LOADED. I, on the other hand, am NOT loaded, am trying to save so I have a faint hope of being able to retire some day, and have a farm to run. The thought if spending money on someone I don't especially like and who has 50x more money than I do makes me feel a little ill. Even if I just get them something small and inexpensive, it will seem absurd--clearly they can afford to buy their own small, inexpensive crap.

My SIL said that perhaps they'll realize all this, and request donations to a charity instead. That's what we're hoping for. But I'm wondering--if they do NOT do that, can I make a donation in their name to a charity of my choice? Is that done? Would it be OK or would it just cause problems if I did that?

Thanks for any input!

[piedmontfields]

I have been on both sides of this situation. I think people sometimes forget that it is the thought that truly does count!

A thoughtful small, homemade or carefully selected inexpensive gift is never inappropriate.

You know best whether a donation would be received graciously. It would be appropriate to choose a charity that is connected to the couple's interests (perhaps something in California?).

[FlyingLily]

I can tell you my experience with a "small but thoughtful gift."

I was in grad school and had no money extra whatsoever. My cousin, whose family was rolling in money, was getting married to an investment banker in Princeton NJ (across the country from me), and sent me an invite.

Because our families had not been close, I thought I'd scare up the flight money and attend, maybe mend some bridges. I bought them a beautiful seashell at Scripps Institute gift shop - not expensive.

Well, they had one of those gift display rooms, and the seashell was off by itself. I was treated to the bride repeatedly making jokes about how she thought it might still 'have a smell', how it is 'from our country cousin'. I seriously wanted to rescue it.

I guess my point is there's no winning with some people and don't knock yourself out worrying. If they are inherently small-minded, you cannot do a correct thing. So do the thing that makes you feel good.

[bascar]

A coffee table book? Do they ski? 50 Classic Ski Descents by Davenport et al. for example - Sail? An art book on the Dhow, artistic and boatsy? Outrageous Yachts? Even if they don't cook, most cookbooks nowadays qualify as coffee table books..... there are some wonderful bread books out there (Tartine Bread) and Rick Stein can always be relied on for color

Hand made stuff is a beautiful idea, but only if they are the sort of people who would cherish the intention behind it, if not, then it is a waste of time and energy.

[KathyK]

My SIL said that perhaps they'll realize all this, and request donations to a charity instead. That's what we're hoping for. But I'm wondering--if they do NOT do that, can I make a donation in their name to a charity of my choice? Is that done? Would it be OK or would it just cause problems if I did that?

They should not be requesting donations, or any other kind of gifts.

According to Miss Manners, if you care enough to attend the wedding, you should send a gift. Your gift absolutely can be a donation to a charity that's meaningful to them. If that causes problems, the problems are theirs. Honestly, a wedding invitation is not an invoice!

[kande50]

Don't most couples have registries now? If so, they almost always include inexpensive items in with the more expensive ones, and I would think an option would be for a group of friends or family members to go in together on a gift .

[KathyK]

Don't most couples have registries now? If so, they almost always include inexpensive items in with the more expensive ones, and I would think an option would be for a group of friends or family members to go in together on a gift .

Seriously tacky to register for gifts when it's a second marriage for both. A group going in together on a gift is a good idea.

[orono]

If they did register (tacky or not) then I'd try to find something affordable on the list. But as it is a second marriage for both of them they likely did not. Figure out how much you could/would spend on a donation, if the money is available (though you'd rather have it go to a cause then to them), then it is what you could spend on a gift. Going in together with a group is a good idea, as is bascars book suggestion.

[StraightForward]

FlyingLily: Wow, that just proves that you can't guy class. What a wonderful person she is.

We had to travel to my brother's second wedding, but similar situation - he and new wife are very well-off. They indicated where they were registered on the wedding invite, and even suggested cash donations for projects on their new house, which I thought was incredibly tacky. I understand registering so that guests who insist have the option, but it should come with a disclaimer that gifts are NOT expected. To their credit, they did have mostly reasonably-priced items on their registry.

Anyway, we felt that the expense to get to the wedding was enough and didn't feel at all bad about not getting them a gift. It was never an issue, to my knowledge.

From your description, I wouldn't be surprised if this is going to be one of those 200 guest affairs? I doubt they would notice if you don't get them something.

[pawsplus]

I guess I'll chill until I see the invite. I don't care enough about him to take time making something "thoughtful," honestly. Our "blended family" took the metaphor waaaay too seriously--by the time I escaped to college I felt as if I'd been in a blender on "whip" for 4 years. I have a decent relationship with 1 out of 3 step brothers and the others I avoid and vice versa. I can go in on something with my real bro and SIL, so maybe that's the best plan.

[pawsplus]

I also admit to hoping that, when my GMO announces the schedule, there will be a recognized show on that date. I can only go to local shows and won't show in the summer, given our heat and humidity, so I have very limited options. If the first show is on that date I will consider that a good reason to skip the wedding!

[Idofly]

BTDT...a family member did everything ticky-tacky and boorish you could imagine for her 2nd wedding to the point that her own mother boycotted the wedding. I chose not to participate as a bridesmaid or attend, but did go in with another cousin to send her a copy of "Miss Manners on Weddings" before the ceremony.

[pawsplus]

Well, they haven't done anything tacky yet. I just don't know what to expect, or what I can get away with. I'll know more when the invites come out. Since we're not close, or in contact other than Facebook, I have no way of getting advance info.

[Moutaineer]

It's 5 months away. Don't sweat it.

[Fatcat]

This reminds me of our wedding, a second wedding for me, and we clearly stated "no gifts please" on our invite. My hubby caught my MIL telling everyone within earshot that meant we wanted cash instead. He corrected her, but it was too late to stop several folks from handing us checks. We were

She was a sweet woman, and meant well, but didnt quite get the nuances of social situations.

[Paints]

Given your feelings about your step-brother, perhaps the best gift you can give to them and you is to not attend? Make a plausible excuse if asked and spend far less than you would on attending on a gift. Win all around.

[KathyK]

This reminds me of our wedding, a second wedding for me, and we clearly stated "no gifts please" on our invite. My hubby caught my MIL telling everyone within earshot that meant we wanted cash instead. He corrected her, but it was too late to stop several folks from handing us checks. We were

She was a sweet woman, and meant well, but didnt quite get the nuances of social situations.

Well, I think you got caught in the "no gifts" trap. Many people think this means "Cash, please." That's why you don't mention gifts at all.

Judith Martin, AKA Miss Manners has this to say on the subject:

"No gifts" -- what could be more plainly stated? Miss Manners wants to believe that people put this on invitations to relieve their guests of a presumed obligation.

She has had to oppose this, while commending the intention, because one is not supposed to be thinking of one's guests in terms of presents, not even to discourage them.

But since no one seems to get it -- some thinking as you suggest, that a gift should be given regardless, others presuming that it means that only cash donations are acceptable -- it is useless, anyway.

[DD2]

I really think 1st weddings are the only ones where people should be expected to be showered with gifts. The idea is the couple is just starting out and need things like toasters and flatware to make their home. Subsequent weddings should be a celebration, a party and nothing more. Just show up, be amazingly pleasant and congratulatory and don't give it a second thougt. If they are seriously upset about no gift, they're not worth it anyway.

[boots-aregard]

Given your feelings about your step-brother, perhaps the best gift you can give to them and you is to not attend? Make a plausible excuse if asked and spend far less than you would on attending on a gift. Win all around.

This. HE doesn't know if there is or is not a horseshow that weekend. Tell him there is, pack up the trailer (in case local siblings/friends catch wind of the story), haul out for a nice trailride somewhere, and boom, bob's your uncle.

[Chisamba]

I am more curious about why you are worrying about it so in advance. obviously it is something that is causing a bit of stress in your life. Because our reaction to others is farm more about our relationship with ourselves than them, perhaps you have some internal thinking and resolving to do that will make you happier in the long term. ( for you)

i like weddings where there is a registry, it makes gift giving so much more simple. If i go to a wedding, i take a gift, ie if i am close enough to the couple to attend the wedding, i am close enough to them to attempt a thoughtful gift. mho I chose the gift with the best of intention, if it is not well received, i try not to let it bother me.

when we got married we got a gift that was a sealed box, we opened the box and it had a card and another gift inside addressed to some one else. two possibilities, the other person returned the gift to the store who thought it was unopened and resold it, or it was regifted. I felt sorry for the couple who missed out on the thoughtful card and contents that were inside the box

[MagicEm]

I was in grad school and had no money extra whatsoever. My cousin, whose family was rolling in money, was getting married to an investment banker in Princeton NJ (across the country from me), and sent me an invite.

Because our families had not been close, I thought I'd scare up the flight money and attend, maybe mend some bridges. I bought them a beautiful seashell at Scripps Institute gift shop - not expensive.

Well, they had one of those gift display rooms, and the seashell was off by itself. I was treated to the bride repeatedly making jokes about how she thought it might still 'have a smell', how it is 'from our country cousin'. I seriously wanted to rescue it.

FL: What an awful experience! I felt bad for your just reading about it and I don't blame you for wanting to rescue your gift.

I have no real advice to add, b/c I am definitely not the person to go-to for wedding gift questions or wedding etiquette in general. I haven't been to that many weddings, and I didn't even know gift display rooms were a thing . The idea of a gift display room seems inherently tacky to me and a way to make weddings about the "stuff" rather than about connecting with family and friends and creating memories.

I do like Paints and boots's suggestion and that's likely what I would do.

[pawsplus]

I am more curious about why you are worrying about it so in advance. obviously it is something that is causing a bit of stress in your life. Because our reaction to others is farm more about our relationship with ourselves than them, perhaps you have some internal thinking and resolving to do that will make you happier in the long term. ( for you)

Oh, goodness. It's not stressing me out. It came up when I was talking with my SIL and I thought I'd run it by you guys in case there was some "rule" for rich people getting married the second time. Apparently there is not.

The fact is that I'm never a fan of enforced gift-giving, nor do I really like attending weddings unless I truly care about the people involved. But it's unlikely that I can skip this, because it would piss off my step mom, which would make my dad unhappy, so I'm pretty much stuck going. I do agree that the rich bride and groom are unlikely to notice if I give them nothing, so I'll either do that or throw $20 into the pot and go in on something with my brother's family.

[pawsplus]

Given your feelings about your step-brother, perhaps the best gift you can give to them and you is to not attend? Make a plausible excuse if asked and spend far less than you would on attending on a gift. Win all around.

Not sure how I could spend less than I would if attending, as the wedding is 30 miles from me. And if I didn't attend I sure wouldn't get them a gift!

I pretty much have to go in order to avoid family unhappiness. It's just not my idea of a good time.

[zevida]

Paws, it is so great to see you again!! I'm sure all will work out for the best and since you are not close, don't sweat gift or no gift, going or not going, just do what's best for you when the time comes.

I really think 1st weddings are the only ones where people should be expected to be showered with gifts. The idea is the couple is just starting out and need things like toasters and flatware to make their home. Subsequent weddings should be a celebration, a party and nothing more. Just show up, be amazingly pleasant and congratulatory and don't give it a second thougt. If they are seriously upset about no gift, they're not worth it anyway.

This is so antiquated. Most middle class Americans are waiting until they are older to marry. We aren't sending off blushing virginal brides from their family home to their husband's home any more. They have often lived on their own for years, and the couple has often lived together before the wedding. Wedding gifts for first weddings are rarely about helping a couple with nothing start their lives. With so many divorces and remarriages, all the clucking about what is tasteful or not for a second (or third) wedding is what I find most distasteful. Live and let live. If they want to celebrate their love and the starting of their new life in a big way and if people want to give them gifts (a very normal part of celebration), who cares? No one is making you give anyone a gift. And no one should expect a gift for any occasion, first wedding included.