ANY help with conservatorship, Adult Protective Services

[Tanga]

I know this is a horse board, but you guys are a wealth of experience and may give more ideas.

VERY long story of 25 years of a half sister (now 44ish) some kind of mental illness sociopath basically bankrupting my mother, who was already mentally abused by my step father, making my mother pay for her lavish lifestyle and spending to the tune of millions, turning her into a liar and recluse from everyone, and brainwashed to back up everything half sibling said. Paid off Victorian house and two apartments and my father's paid off house that was supposed to go to us (value now in the $4 million range) had all money possible taken of them, and my mom had to take in renters to try to pay bills, and when she broke her knee and went into care, they destroyed the Victorian house. Half sister then basically stole mother and wouldn't let anyone near her, telling the police who did welfare checks she was afraid she was going to be attacked by us, and made my mother agree. Then made mother sell both houses and bought something hours away, no one knows where, so she can keep getting all of the money from my mother's and step father's pensions.

I haven't seen my mom in 6 years. Xmas I got a call from my sister they found her. She was in a care center a few hours away after she had had hip surgery. VERY long story, she had fallen at least a month prior, said went to doctor and doctor said it was fine, but mom was in such severe pain, she had to sleep on a mattress on the floor and screamed and cried in pain for weeks. Then they "fell" again two weeks ago, my mother on my half sister but my mom "wasn't hurt." But she was screaming and crying in pain and couldn't go to the toilet by herself. Finally, at some point, in the past week went to get an X ray, hip was broken, and "x-ray technologist called an ambulance." Operated on and then went to an amazing care center. Sister finds out, sees her and gets on video she wants to see the family and doesn't know why she hasn't seen us, and thought she had been sending cards and such. Very confused. Found her phone, and all contacts had been deleted except half sister, who had not been letting anyone contact her. Apparently mail was sent back saying no one lived there. Saw her Weds. and was there from 2 to 10 videoing and trying to get facts. Half sister showed up at 9 pm (after sending a psycho text to my brother, because when she had called my mom on the phone earlier, she said my brother was there with her instead of my half brother.) It was me, my half brother, his wife and kids there with her. We tried to get the facts out of her and when all this happened, why she was unvaccinated, who her doctor was, why she was missing so many teeth (she used to have all of them and why she hadn't been to a doctor or dentist.)

My half brother and I left at 10 (I had a two hour drive home in the rain.) Half sister wouldn't leave. Apparently she was there at 3 am when the center found mom's blood count super low and she went to the hospital. My sister called in social services at the hospital to report abuse. Worker got her story and talked to half sister who admitted to her my mom had been screaming and crying in pain for weeks (it seems at least a month from what we can figure out) before she took her to urgent care. We found out my mom had called 911 on the 5th at 4 am, but when they came, my half sister turned them away. (My sister was a paramedic, so she was able to find the records of this.) Yes, she is pure evil.

We have about 20 days or less until my mom is released from the care center. Right now she is saying she wants to go "home" to the hoarding house and be with alf sister. We can't let this happen. She will kill her. We have filed Adult Protective Service reports in past, my sister did a new one, the social worked filed on, and at least I will file one as recommended by the care center. We are talking to the ombudsman at the care center to deal with this. The hospital workers and care center workers all know the past. My mother is not competent. She will agree with what anyone tells her to say. Evil half sister doesn't have her vaccinated! Care center has it on file "she" declined vaccinations on entering. We have repeated asked her and have it on video she wants and needs them (she was a nurse, and we raised Siamese, which she always gave vaccinations to) and will get them.

I am terrified that she won't be declared incompetent soon enough and we won't be able to remove her from the horrid "home." My sister and are on on the paperwork that we make all her medical decisions, but evil half sister says she got that changed, but hasn't provided paperwork yet. I am going to try to find a lawyer (that none of us can afford, though my mom could if her well over $10 k a month pension wasn't going to psycho spending nonstop and filling the house with crap as she's do for 25 years.)

This is in the Sacramento area. Does anyone have ANY ideas we're missing we need to think about? Any possible connections to a lawyer? (I asked the lawyer that rides the girls now that I lost Sora, but haven't heard back yet.) We need to get her in a conservatorship so we can get her in a good senior living care situation when she gets out. Half sister has already put in text messages to my brother that if we try to go see her at the house my mom still thinks she is going back to, she will call the police, even though in front of my mom and her, we all agreed we are all going to see and visit her all of the time and no one will be excluded.

I know this is a lot, but I'm throwing everything out there right now. Any ideas welcome

[Moutaineer]

What a horrendous situation, Tanga. I can't offer any advice but get thee to a specialist in family law, but I can offer my sincere best wishes that you can get her to safety.

[heddylamar]

That's an awful situation for your mom. You need an attorney specializing in elder care specifically. Do you have a lawyer of your own? They may be able to point you in a good direction. Ask the social workers for references, and any older friends (or friends dealing with elder care) may have a recommendation too.

[Tanga]

Thank you. I'm putting it out there to anyone in case anyone has ideas. I came here with her yesterday and the crap is just worse. Half sibling has minimum $7500 Coco Channel used purse and gets the poodles she had to buy clipped, but my mom can't get her hair done. Hopefully the APS and ombudsmen can take over and make sure she doesn't go back and we don't need to do the lawyer, which will be a lot. I haven't found one yet, but I'm putting it out there.

Sitting here NYE with Mom and evil half sibling has been a no show--guess spending money partying on NYE is most important. In the four hours I've been here so far, no way should my mom ever be alone. She needs someone 24/7 watching and checking on her, even when she does get back walking.

[Quelah]

This may not be help but since you're in California, reach out to your county supervisor's office. There is often someone in the office who *knows how shit works*.

Barring that, call these folks.
https://choiceinaging.org/about/
Debbie Toth is the head of it and she is a FIERCE advocate for seniors. Ask her or whoever you talk to if they can give you a reference so someone in the Sac area. Holly Tillman is another name, she works for Debbie. They would be in the Pleasant Hill or Antioch office.

[exvet]

Was there an original trust or will after your step-father passed away? I don't have any answers or suggestions for you but I've been dealing with a somewhat similar situation (though must admit it was right under my nose for years.) Perhaps some of my actions may give you ideas on what could be done for your situation. My mother has never ever been able to say, "No," to my brother. She gave away my parents' entire savings over the years to my brother. I found out the shocking magnitude when I cleaned out my mother's house getting it ready for market. The one savings' grace is my mother in one of her more lucid moments and literally just prior to my father's passing (when we moved him to hospice) gave me $30,000 to 'save or hide' for her. At that time she also owned her house outright. I am named executor of their trust but given that my mother gave all the money away willingly there was nothing I could do then but sell her house and put that money into high yield dividend stocks which only I have access to on her behalf (I took her with me to the financial institution and demonstrated my concerns which they complied because she gave them permission in person). The 30,000 she gave me to hide I used to pay her expenses up through to the closing on her house and moving her into assisted living (so all gone now). Her monthly rent is deducted directly from her checking account as are her monthly bills. Her social security is direct deposit. Despite being present for her doctors' appointments and sharing documentation on the progression of her dementia her doctors' refuse to declare her incompetent though they admit she's a danger on the road (hence drivers license suspended), cannot make valid decisions for herself, explain that she's a target for scams because of such, insist that I should move her in with me to 'guide' her decisions more closely, yada, yada. When I asked her cardiologist to sign off on getting her medications (which cost me $2000 every 3 months) discounted or through another country he laughed at me and said my family has too much money to do that so he wouldn't waste his staffs' time. The only thing I have left is managing my brother. I make sure my mother has a limited amount of cash on hand to pay hair dressers and the like. I limit the amount of money in her checking account so that there's enough to pay bills as they come due but that's it. I check her accounts DAILY to make sure she hasn't given away details she shouldn't though now she really doesn't remember them nor does she remember how to look up that sort of stuff. She has a cell phone but hates to use it and never calls anyone except maybe me when she's having a panic attack or 'deranged' moment. So I have limited the access to her money as much as I legally can but I made sure everyone including my brother can contact her via phone or directly. I don't believe in shutting her off from her family or her friends and truth be told she's very introverted and a recluse more or less of her own accord. She's been very good about directing my brother to me if he calls for money which she never did before but I was able to physically demonstrate to her just how 'destitute' she was becoming before my father passed. She, at least to this day, still understands that concept. My fear however is like your mother, mine will believe and accept anything any one tells her especially my brother. So 'this agreement' to let me manage her money could end at any time. I'm lucky in that so far my brothers' kids all recognize to this point exactly what my brother is and how low he'll go. I've paid for 'emergent' money needs of his (all for his kids who are now adults and out of the house) up to this point. On Labor Day he moved in with his oldest who is married; so, I wait on pins and needles to see when 'that' situation spontaneously combusts. At least his oldest is very in tune to what went on, what he's about and her only flaw is that she loves him and wants to help him but I don't think she'd ever knowingly allow him to compromise my mother again. Still my mother has the power to amend my parents' trust at any time until that point which I can get her declared incompetent. My brother probably paints a picture of me much like you do of your half-sister though I believe you in your explanation of her mental issues. Everyone in the family knows my brother is delusional and a con man. He was violent as a teenager and beat my mother up a few times which she felt she deserved and still defends him and his actions to this day. I found out he got violent once a few years ago and took it out on her dog. Honestly had I been present for any of these episodes, I would likely be in jail now. My mother fully believes that the pressure to compete with me from the moment he was born (he's younger by 18 months) was too great for him and he must be protected to prevent psychotic breaks. So the crazy train continues without much legal help available until an outside, impartial party, sees and understands what is at stake. Though I will admit that my nerves are frayed and I reach the end of my rope many times with my mother, I hope that I'm able to maintain the juggling act and can successfully manage my brother from afar without having to call in any big guns but if I have to I will. That is what my father asked of me many, many years ago when his mental decline began, knowing fully what my brother was capable of but never being able to get my mother 'on board'. Fortunately that is the one thing I have going for me in this situation, my brother knows that my plan is to divide my mothers' assets between him and the grandchildren after she passes. It is the ONLY retirement plan he has and he knows that me managing the money gives him the best chance of receiving anything in the future. To a point he feared my father and to a point he fears me too. I don't know what his triggers are (there's no addiction that I know of) so I hope this will be enough to see my mother through until her natural end.

I truly wish you the best (and your mother) as you sort through the family spider web. It's never an easy road for anyone caught in this type of situation and to navigate it efficiently you really do need someone in your corner who understands estate law within your state in addition to someone who is a senior advocate dedicated to your mother (from the standpoint of rights and health needs).

[texsuze]

Tanga that sounds like a living nightmare; I wish I had information to help you wade through this. Hoping that what others have suggested can help you find a way forward for your mom. Don't forget to keep yourself mentally/physically healthy as best you can. DH and I are on the frontline for my mom's well being, and thankfully, my brother is a compassionate partner in planning and assistance when he's available. My sister, well, luckily she lives several states away....

[Tanga]

Quelah--THANK YOU. That gives me something to work on. I will start making calls.

exvet--Wow. You brother sounds very much like half sibling, except my half sibling has stolen far, far more, and caused my mother to lie, cheat, and try to steal for her to pay the credit card bills. She (mom) tried to get into my bank account. Initially my father's house was in a trust for my sister, brother and me, but she talked us into turning it back over to her for "tax reasons." My sister convinced me to sign off though I didn't want to. It turned out that that was the start of her getting mortgages again to borrow money to pay down the credit cards, and it was about a decade before we learned how bad it was and tried to talk to her, and it got worse. Before my step father died, they put that house (5 bed Victorian in Alameda with two apartments in the back building) in a reverse mortgage to pay off the mortgages and get the roof fixed, so with all that "new" money, instead of letting my sister take over the finances like she promised, the spending got bad again. There is a grandson who is the financial advisor who has some control over things. The little money left from the Alameda house sale is in a trust for the step siblings. The money from the house to me and my siblings is gone, and "they" bought a new house two hours away. The grandson financial advisor has been on our side trying to help legally. He I think has some control over the $10k a month she gets in her and step father's pensions, but half sibling still complains he won't give her enough money to "pay the bills."

We haven't yet delved into TRYING to get my mom to hand over the finances legally to probably my sister, or even a conservator. I think we're waiting on seeing if the ombudsman (hopefully we ALL have a meeting within a week and we can all see how my half sibling blows up) or APS can make that happen. The big issue is my mom really cannot remember anything accurately that has happened in the last 6 years or so. She can't remember why they had to sell the San Leandro house instead of moving in there and move two hours away, and she had a conversation with the grandson advisor the day I was there, but couldn't remember what it was about, but she said it was about getting money to evil sibling he had for a "job" she did--makes no sense. We're all doing an admirable job of staying neutral in front of her and hope when confronting her with all of the complete torturous evil incompetence of letting my mom walk/roll/lay on a mattress on the living room floor and have to lift her on and off the toilet for month/months in front of APS/ombudsman, etc. will be enough to show anyone my mom is not competent. She keeps saying she doesn't want any arguments and half sibling "helped her" so much (because she keeps telling my mom she was the only one who did anything for her for six years, while keeping her away from everyone.) Hoping at worst, when we offer mom where she wants to live, though we all agree she needs 24/7 care, that she has to have "another" trained caregiver LIVING in the 4 bedroom house, and, of course, we'll all move her there from the care center, and visit NON STOP and stay there because there is yet ANOTHER open bedroom, right? [We all know this cannot happen because all bedrooms and two car garage and storage are FULL of expensive CRAP she bought over 25 years.] But, if my mom wants to go back and live in Alameda where she has friends, her church and choir, then we have plenty of money from her pension and selling that house, right? Half sibling will blow, and then, hopefully (I am sorry, there is nothing that can happen to her that is bad enough to make up for what she did) she will go to jail where she belongs, and get the mental health care she needs [sarcasm] that has made her incapable of having a soul or doing a damn thing her whole life.

It's so sad so many of us share this horror, isn't it? I've been trying to find some online groups or something because you never know where you can get some ideas to help. And just telling it needs to happen. I walked away six years ago after being THE one in the family (six step siblings, two siblings, two half siblings) who would stand up to my asshole step father for decades, tried to get them both back into school, stayed near my mom and tried to keep sane in her life as everyone left, then kept going over to visit and clean her house when I bought mine 24 years ago. I was trying and no one would/could help. It was killing me. At least now half brother is part of the solution instead of partially as bad as her, and we're all coordinating. I dumped on two people at the barn today--I'm not a good liar, so when people ask me how I am, I just look at them, and then they ask what's going on.

Thank you

[exvet]

Tanga, I hope you find the resources you need to help your mother. I think the number of similar scenarios is far more than people realize or care to admit. I have a cousin who is cut from the exact same cloth as my brother. She burned through any and all money she had, having lived off her parents her entire life and the state. Her son was taken away from her because she was blowing through any and all subsidies the state awarded him to use for her self-prescribed treatments (alcohol and drugs) for her bipolar condition. She has one surviving sibling who she reaches out to regularly for 'assistance'. When that life line stopped enabling (which was early on after both of their parents died) she then reached out to my father who was already dead. Her next target was me. I informed her of reality and shut her down immediately and cut off all access she thought she had. Her surviving sibling (my other cousin) and I talk occasionally to commiserate and maintain our family pact to protect those close to us from these two but since all of this covers multiple states there's only so much we can do. Mental illness is often genetic and we both recognize where the family curses come from looking back through the family tree. She and I are actually glad that the majority of our family is deceased and there are fewer and fewer descendants to carry on the curse. It does help to talk about it; so, hopefully you'll keep sharing.

[khall]

Get an attorney asap. Elder care attorney and get the petition filed. See if they can appoint a temporary guardian until conservatorship and guardianship is appointed.

Call the cops. Call adult protective services. Please let the facility know your mom can not go back to her home with your sister. It can take some time to get consercatorship and guardian ship worked out but adult protective services should be involved asap to protect your mom.

So sorry you are going through this. Families suck sometimes

What your sister has done is elder abuse. She absolutely can face charges for it.

[Tanga]

Yeah, khall, that was my thinking. It's been impossible to find an attorney who does this, even with resources of people who are lawyers and in this law, and even if we had the money.

APS has been called by family, hospital and care center.

The shit show has just gotten worse. What, it's been three weeks?

I saw her first in the care center after she was released from the hospital for the broken hip. I saw her one day, and then a few days later was there for three days and kept bringing up how heavily she was breathing and her cough. She was taken to another hospital the next day because of very low blood count. She ended up staying there until after NY's because she couldn't go back to care center because shitshow half sibling didn't fill in the SIMPLE paperwork for holding the bed in the care center. She did finally get a flu shot in that hospital. She went to a new care center, where I didn't have time to go to before my half brother was there saying she was sitting in a chair but he couldn't wake her up and I was on speaker when he asked the nurse about it and she said we weren't allowed to know her meds because we weren't on the paperwork, and then said she was considered incompetent because she wasn't conscious, and then decided to go in the room and called an ambulance. She went to a new hospital and was sedated and intubated because he airway wasn't stable and was in ICU about six days. She has a UTI and the fucking FLU! She stayed that way 4-5 days and then was brought out of sedation. I saw her yesterday when they had just moved her a step down in the hospital, where she was still on a feeding tube because the phlegm and cough hadn't resolved enough to make sure she was stable. Then, without them telling me even though I asked, and she got her pneumonia shot yesterday, she was moved last night after I left to a critical care hospital. So, three hospitals and three care centers in three weeks depending on how you count it. She responded when she was awake, but really doesn't know much of anything except past memories and was exhausted.

Sadly, what we have been doing is dividing and conquering everything, and trying to get evil half sibling to cooperate, because she got my mom to sign her over has having all medical decisions, and she didn't know WTF she was doing when she went into this last hospital, so let my sister have access to all. Half brother has been trying to get information from her and talk her into actually getting a life and a job--he finally went to "their house" and found a giant, almost empty four bedroom two story house with new stuff she bought. My sister has been focusing on sorting out the medical and where she needs to go--and at this point, if she survives (and it is an "if" at this point) she's going to be in the critical care hospital awhile. And I have been focusing on the future, if she survives. I had found a really, really nice privately owned senior care facility (24 care, 3 meals, check ins and meds minimum) in the city where she used to live and said she would never leave, worked as a nurse, and has friends there. I met two of her old friends there and did a tour and videoed it and have shown it to her. SHE can afford it. I have everyone else good with this, though evil POS still has said to my mom she needs to come "home."

I would LOVE to have her arrested. Every single source I have tried (even Quelah's) have said it's never going to happen. APS was supposed to have a report back in 10 days (from Xmas) and nothing. I don't even know about the ombudsman we've changed facilities so many times. Sad to say, that's on a back burner because all of this is so non-stop emergent. IF this settles down and she lives, the main goal is to get her back to her real home town and a safe place no matter what, so my nightmare doesn't happen--so she dies alone away from everyone she knows but the evil POS. IF she gets better, we need to move her there and need my half brother to get POS to cooperate to get documents for medicare, bank accounts, etc. she is using. She has admitted even with ALL of that money every month "they" can't pay the bills and she doesn't know what to do. Then we need to get that house sold. I know no one wants to admit this, but POS's only way to keep the money flowing is for mom to die and then she "inherits" the 401K she made my mom will to her.

So, that's where we are. No one will talk about conservatorship. If my mom gets better, she can speak and agree to things, so is "competent." Maybe we can get power of attorney. My cousin did that with her mom, who is agreeable, and in about 100% better shape than my mom. That's a whole other fight. We're all in many, many years of dealing with anger, angst, rejection, horror, unfairness, and just about every other emotion you can think of. She's been mentally abused for a very long time. She's been isolated for six years. She's been clearly in declining physical condition for this time. She's been unvaccinated. She was walking around on a broken hip in severe pain for at least a month. That's a LOT to recover from.

[Anne]

Oh Tanga. You are in an utterly awful situation, and though words are just words and no more, I want to tell you that you have my huge sympathies, and I hope you look out for yourself through all of it, and, as we say in new zealand: kia kaha ('stay strong').

[texsuze]

Tanga, hopefully you can secure a room at the senior care facility so when this maelstrom is over, your mom will have a safe place to land. I can barely imagine how this is impacting your life and your mom's--just having to be in non-stop survival mode. A note on the UTI, those infections can simmer along, sometimes asymptomatically but unless treated can be life-threatening esp. in older folks. Hoping this can all be resolved very, very soon. Hang in there.

[Tanga]

Thank you Anne and texsuze.

So far a whole day and a half and no crises. Talked with my sister for awhile last night (finally she's being open with me) and she has the same worries as I do. My mom may not make it out of this. She's had such bad physical, emotional, and psychological care for a long time, that this is just a cascade effect. She thinks we'll know within a few weeks. If she's not a lot better, it's not good. Thank you for listening. Letting it out is a way to make it somewhat bearable, as well as the horses, of course.

[avma]

Hugs Tanga. You're in such a difficult situation. I currently help my mom go to all her appointments and keep track of all her meds and issues. We've een discussing what to do and when. Whether she'll come live near me, or at an assisted living facility. So I'm heading down that path. I can't imagine having to deal with a difficult relative who is in charge of mom's care. I am always grateful that while my brother is super unhelpful with my mom, he doesn't argue with what I do, and gives me the support when I need it. I hope that things keep improving, and that your mom is able to have some peace and joy from here on out.

[Josette]

More Hugs to you Tanga. I totally agree with khall reply in that this is Guardianship Abuse - which happens all too often. Legal action, APS and documenting the abuse. Your mother CANNOT be released to this step-sister's control / home care. Legal authority may be needed to sell/liquidate that estate where this step-sister has furnished - to cover your mother's care and legal costs. (I lost track of what is owned by who.....) This IS criminal elder care guardianship abuse and this step-sister needs to be held accountable by law. An elder care attorney needs to be involved ASAP.

https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=g ... ship+abuse

[Tanga]

Thanks, guys. I so WISH what everyone thinks should happen will happen--she is held legally responsible. The more I find out and reach out to everyone, I don't think anyone has ever been held responsible. I've had people reaching out all over who are the experts in this, and there is basically, maybe, one elder care attorney in S. CA. In desperation, I reached out to a friend who I helped get elected to city council who is now a state senator in CA (and will be president one day, she's amazing) and she and her bestie (who works for her now) are going to see if they can find any resources I haven't found. If anyone can, they can.

That said, honestly, this might all be moot. I went to the new critical care hospital today (not fun on a rainy Friday) because of a shitstorm of them NOT giving us information when my sister asked for a meeting, and not getting information from the psycho or staff. When I got there she was asleep at 1:30 and the nurse said she had been up and done PT earlier and went to sleep about noon. She did not wake up even though they came in and did an X-ray and I tried to wake her up--she would open her eyes and say a few confused words and then droop her eyes again. Finally about 4 I got the nurse in again and said I was really worried and this was what she was like before going into the last hospital in a coma. They also got some urine to check for a UTI and will do blood tomorrow. I sort of insisted she get up in a wheelchair and went around a bit and kept trying to get her to talk and interact, which lasted about an hour, but she still kept nodding off. Got half brother on the phone to try to keep her up a little more so she would sleep later, and her eyes were open, but she really wasn't there. I had to leave about 7:30 pm to get home at 10.

This is not good. We've all heard her being more confused on phone calls this week, and she was downright delusional with my brother this morning on the phone before we get there. I compared a picture of her today with one I took three weeks ago in the first care center, and she looks significantly worse (and I was shocked at how bad she looked when I saw her then.) She has lost weight and was already emaciated, she is mentally worse, she's been on a feeding tube for a week now, and she's still on oxygen.

avma--Just a suggestion. I would keep your mom where she knows people, wherever that is. The history she has with people and consistency is what is most important. There are really good senior living situations, like where I found, where they have their own space, but also three meals a day, meds, constant help as needed. And for what this one offered, it seems a "good deal" across the bay from SF for $7-8 k a month. A one bedroom apartment there costs $3 k.

[Josette]

Anyone looking into Assisted Living accommodations - be advised to ask important questions for care and surveillance of the family member. In my experience (NJ) these facilities are for profit (no surprise) and up front the decor and apartments are really nice. (Meals may not be so great but look nice on a menu - kitchen went through 3 chefs in one year.) All services were priced as a la carte depending on needs for dressing, bathing, medication - any form of assistance. In some instances the family may have to hire separate private duty care. Residents wore an ALERT device in case of fall or call for help. However, if the resident is not mentally or physically able to use this device - it may not help. Again, in my experience there was no NURSING staff during the night shift in the building - although there is a night duty person available if an alarm goes off. Then an ambulance is called. These assisted living facilities (senior apartments - NJ) differ from a nursing home which is required to have a nurse present 24/7 on the floor - because more nursing level care and monitoring is given (beyond the level of aides). I realize this may vary greatly from state to state - terminology too.

[heddylamar]

It varies a ton state to state, county to county. You need to ask the right questions. Grandma was in a home with daytime only nursing staff. After a hospital visit, we moved her across the street to a different assisted living, and there's a nurse on staff 24/7.

OTOH, my dad is in a fully staffed nursing facility 24/7 with a doctor on call. But for some reason the weekend nursing staff aren't part of the regular rotation, they're part timers. So, of course, that's when the ugly infections and other fun things seem to pop up.

[Tanga]

Exactly, Josette. The whole process is scary. So many of these facilities have been bought up by corporate entities, like so many others things (as in vets) and are not great. The one I'm looking at is privately owned, is on the second generation of owners, my mom's friends know people who are there and they have worked there. As with many things, it can be hard to know what is a good situation.

Clark Howard is by go to on consumer advice and he recommends: https://clark.com/family-lifestyle/how- ... e-manager/ There are people that will do it for free who are basically shills for certain companies (like financial managers.) These people are non biased and you can just type in the name for your area.

[avma]

Thanks so much for the suggestions Tanga. I will take any advice and info I can get! I wish there was more support or help in figuring out what to do as your parent ages. I guess it's like raising a child. There's no one book, and you're kinda tossed in the deep end!

[khall]

avma find an elder care attorney who can help you navigate this with your mom. We initially went the POA both medical and financial with both our parents but let’s just say my sister took advantage of her access to their money via her co POA. Grr. I ended up having to seek conservatorship over mom’s estate ( dad passed 2/2020) and sis and I share guardianship which means nothing really. Mom lives on my farm in an apartment and she now has 24/7 caregivers. I make all the decisions for mom rarely do I contact my sister for help.

But POA gives you pretty good coverage and be put on her bank accounts. It’s not sufficient really though if your mom cannot make decisions herself. Mom has been declared incompetent by the court because of dementia. She cannot make any decisions at all anymore. Guardianship means we make all caregiving decisions and as conservator I make all monetary decisions.


Been dealing with aging parent issues since 2017 when we found out dad had dementia.

[Josette]

avma - whenever I had to sign ANY documents for my mother's care (nursing home - NJ), I ALWAYS signed my 'SIGNATURE, POA' to identify my financial responsibility role. I had access to HER bank accounts to pay her medical bills - until HER money ran out and Medicaid support was needed. Again, this may differ by state laws.

https://blog.massmutual.com/planning/nursing-home-bills

[avma]

Thanks ladies! Not to ask a stupid question, but does POA mean Power of Attorney? She already has a trust and I am the person for everything. Her Durable Power of Attorney, her Advanced Health Care Directive, etc. I know that when it comes to finances she has to either decide to make me durable power of attorney, or someone has to declare that I should be. I'm hoping she will be reasonable and hand over her finances so that I don't have to get a doctor or judge to say she's incompetent. Unfortunately, my problem is that my mom is her own financial problem. She shops and shops and shops. She has an addiction to buying things. Luckily she hasn't gotten into a hoarder type situation, but she spends SO much money. Granted I'm way more frugal than she is. I tend to be a minimalist...do I NEED that??...type of person, but even my husband thinks her spending is ridiculous. There's not much I can do at this point except keep talking to her about how elder care is expensive. She was told by her sister-in-law that she can just hire someone to live with her and take care of her for $4,000/mth. Anyway....the original post is not about me. So I don't want to hijack it.Thanks again for all the advice!!

[Josette]

I just GOOGLED this definition - "A general power of attorney only operates while you are still coherent and mentally capable. It automatically expires upon incapacity or death. A durable power of attorney remains operational upon incapacity, although it expires upon death." You may need to speak to a legal expert for better clarification in your situation. This is a hard journey.....

You may find some more information at this site - https://www.agingcare.com/topics

[Tanga]

Thanks Josette. That might be useful.

I talked with a lawyer that does elder abuse all day long last week. If the evil POS doesn't give it up, it's going to be horrendous. It's going to be horrendous either way. Mom is still on a feeding tube, trying to feed soft food, and oxygen. Still not allowed to try to stand by herself in hospital. Still basically remembers nothing. She fell a couple of weeks ago trying to get out of bed.

I found an Elder Abuse Facebook group. This is SO depressive. People all over the country in the same position and nothing to do for it. I have yet to see someone have any successful resolution.