What on earth happened to me today?

[TeresaA]

For the back story (it was posted on UDBB) I lost my horse when two dogs chased him through a series of gates and fences into a swamp where he broke his leg and had to be euthanized on the spot. It was one of the worst experiences of my life (here's a link with the full story: http://journeywithadancinghorse.blogspot.ca/2014/12/its-all-over.html) and it took a long time for me to come to terms with what happened but I've been learning to deal with it.

We are approaching the anniversary of when it happened. The weather has been very similar. Today I had a lovely ride on my new mare and my friend was riding my other horse. After we had a coffee and I followed her outside. I looked into the field and I saw my older horse screaming and running the fence line. I couldn't see Carmen. This was exactly what I saw when I came out of the house a year ago.

I don't know how to describe what happened next but I was back a year ago and overwhelmed with fear, sadness and overwhelming panic.

I screamed 'where's the mare?' (I couldn't remember her name in the moment). I bolted to the field with my heart in my throat to see her grazing quietly (she was hidden by my shed when I came out).
My friend asked me is I was all right and the answer was 'no' I was not. I couldn't deal with the crash of emotions and the physical shock- I was actually shaking. I got myself under control and said goodbye but the truth was I was NOT okay and I couldn't stop the feelings that were coming. It was like being caught in a rip tide. I went into the barn and began to sweep the aisle. The rhythm of that settled me enough so I could go back into the house and start my chores. But it still took a long time before I felt normal again.

But I couldn't believe what happened and am not sure how to understand it.

[stella]

It sounds like PTSD to me. The loss of your horse was tragic and I remember it well when you posted about it.
I have similar reaction cycles although not the same scenario. IMO the key is understanding the triggers. Does that make sense?

[redsoxluvr]

Yep, sounds like PTSD. I struggled with it for a long time after seeing my horse have a field accident that was ultimately fatal to him.
I would have episodes of the sensation of a horse bolting, sometimes 20-30 times per ride. (Even if I was just hacking on the buckle.)
It was a long, hard road to get past it but it is doable.

I would see a counselor as soon as possible, so that they can give you some tools to use if it happens again.

[hoopoe]

yes a flashback

agree with redsox, you might wish to get some information on how to deal with them. The date and the weather very likely triggered it.

Sending you a hug. It is OK to experience all of these sadnesses and vivid memories, it is part of learning to cope.

[fergusnc]

I am so sorry you experienced that. I agree with what others have said about "what happened to you". I am thinking that I remember that you did get some professional support after your traumatic experience, and if you did, maybe it would be good to pop in for another session and sort of do a check in on how you're holding up?

Hang in there girl. You are doing great with how you continue to survive what you went through.

[KathyK]

I agree, it sounds like PTSD, and it sounds like it was terrible.

[TeresaA]

Thanks guys. I googled 'triggers' and 'ptsd' and it does sound similar. I knew that after it happened that I had a hard time with it all but I didn't really believe that I had PTSD. Now I'm wondering.

I will try to connect with my counsellor again and see what to do next.

[Xcaliper]

Sending you hugs, Teresa! It WAS a very traumatic experience what happened to Steele. The anniversary coming up and similar events of course triggered all those horrible memories and feelings. You take care of yourself!

[Quelah]

PTSD. If you had gone through a similar experience to what happened with Steele with the loss of a human friend, not a horse, most people would expect you to have traumatic flashbacks triggered by similar situations. That you lost a horse and not a human does not make the emotional trauma to you any less. I think talking to your counselor about it is a very good idea. (((TeresaA)))

[FlyingLily]

And just to add I am again very saddened by recalling that terrible experience for you. I hope maybe some of the awfulness was laundered out by the flash of recall; I hope that's how the brain works on itself.

[PaulaO]

You had a PTSD experience and I'm so sorry. A visit to your counselor is a good idea. In the meantime, hugs to,you. Anniversaries are very hard.

[OmegaMare]

Sorry to hear you have had this experience, but it is completely understandable that you would react this way when the situation was so similar to what happened a year ago.
You may not have PTSD, which stands for "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". You might have just had a post-trauma reaction. No harm in seeing your therapist, but in the mean time take care of yourself, get your exercise and sleep, and don't worry that you have a mental disorder lurking undetected in your psyche. Look instead for signs of your good mental health, as evidenced by your recovery from the trigger, and your amazing ability to move on and get a new mare. You're a star.

[Code3]

In addition to PTSD, I suspect you experienced an adrenaline dump which will make you shake. I'm so sorry this happened - both the original and this. Please be kind to yourself.

[TeresaA]

Thank you everyone. This support from people who understand this and that I can't do the 'it's just a horse thing' and get over it.

[Rhianon]

Oh, TeresaA--many hugs.

[Hayburner]

The tragedy you experienced was traumatic, it was vicious, it was life altering. I can understand your flashbacks of the event and your wanting to be sure your new mare is safe and protected.

Healing vibes that these flashback, Ptds lessen as time goes on.

I don't think your feelings are unusual for what you went through. I too would have been shaking in my shoes and fearful and just shook from the past.

[Ryans Friend]

Agree with the PTSD diagnosis. What a terrible event. Sending hugs.

[carpevita]

My heart hurts for you just reading about it. feel better honey.

[Tarlo Farm]

Me too. PTSD. Hugs, and you will get better. But never truly "over it".

[Chancellor]

Teresa, I have had similar reactions except mine would happen at night when I was sleeping. This all happened after I came off Moose and was injured though not seriously. I would have dreams in the middle of the night and feel like I was falling like that. I wound up having EMDR to help relieve the issue. Since I had that, I no longer have those dreams.

[TeresaA]

Thanks Everyone for the cyber hugs.

Teresa, I have had similar reactions except mine would happen at night when I was sleeping. This all happened after I came off Moose and was injured though not seriously. I would have dreams in the middle of the night and feel like I was falling like that. I wound up having EMDR to help relieve the issue. Since I had that, I no longer have those dreams.

I had the night reactions for months afterwards. I finally had to take some sleeping pills to get me over the 'hump'.

I'm not sure what EMDR means?

[Chancellor]

It's a kind of therapy but I don't remember what it stood for.

[PaulaO]

EMDR is eye movement stuff. It's proven to work in soldiers. Type EMDR into Google and you'll find lots of stuff, a lot of woo, but there is solid evidence behind it.

[Chancellor]

EMDR is eye movement stuff. It's proven to work in soldiers. Type EMDR into Google and you'll find lots of stuff, a lot of woo, but there is solid evidence behind it.

I was very skeptical about it when I tried it but I so wanted to get rid of those dreams. I can't tell you the number of times I actually felt like I was falling.

[angela9823]

I just read the blog. I remember you posting about it previously but it is so sad to hear about it again and that you had to relive the pain. So sorry you are having to go through that. Hugs to you!!

[Tsuy]

Understandable reaction and So Happy the horses were ok
((((HUGS)))) it was a horrific time and hopefully the counselor will help deal with PTSD that is has caused