dating. <sigh>

[bascar]

After saying farewell to Mr OMG do-you-knnow-how-to-cook-risotto, I met a guy for lunch. We didn't do much exchange of info beforehand, but what we did promised well.

The lunch was great - we talked non-stop for 1 1/2 hours - and we had so much in common it was kinda scary - but in a good way. We had lunch again about 10 days later, and we talked, non-stop for 2 1/4 hours. During this lunch he said 'have you been to X restaurant? No? We'll go there next time" and said "let's have a hug" when we walked out. He texted me about 10 minutes later to say he'd got a ticket (as I had done after the first lunch) and obviously that's the way it was going to be with us.

Exchanged brief texts the following day.

And then radio silence. I texted him to ask how a big meeting went, but no reply.

He didn't strike me as the sort of person to be this rude - I mean if he's not interested, fine, but just say so....plus I don't believe he wasn't interested.

I'm bewildered.

I mean, obviously, he's just not that into me, but good lord, I'm not made of stone. It hurts!

[Tarlo Farm]

How long has it been since the second lunch! Per the first lunch, it was ten days before contact again. Are you sure he's not married?

[Canyon]

Maybe he misplaced his phone, and that's the only place he has your contact info?

[Racetrackreject]

He panicked. lol It's funny, but I'm mostly serious. He started thinking about how great it was going and where it could lead and in his little man brain he somehow made it that you were thinking of where it was going, and he freaked out because "OMG, she's putting all of this future stuff on me" and he went silent. I had this happen fairly often when I was dating. I would just forget about these guys and weeks/months later they would show back up with some lame excuse for going awol that would later morph into the explanation above. Men are odd creatures.

I once had a guy break up with me because "it was moving too fast" (all his own doing mind you), and then show up a year later and propose on the spot.

[Don Giovanni]

Men are odd creatures.

I thought that was a fairly reasonable summation.

I have nothing useful to offer (obviously!) except empathy. Hope it works out.

[bascar]

Thanks guys. I'm doing the whole "it's not me, it's him" thing, but it's taking a while to kick in.

[pawsplus]

Maybe he's dead.

[PaulaO]

I had a guy call me after our first date and tell me he wouldn't be calling for another date because he didn't want to marry me. I wasn't interested in him so when he called a few months later I hung up on him.

Point being men are weird.

[Racetrackreject]

I had a guy call me after our first date and tell me he wouldn't be calling for another date because he didn't want to marry me. I wasn't interested in him so when he called a few months later I hung up on him.

Point being men are weird.

See, that's exactly it. He liked you and he started thinking about marriage, then he panicked and ran away, and later changed his mind. Men!

[bascar]

Maybe he's dead.

I checked the obits....

because that's exactly the sort of thing that happens to me.

[Tarlo Farm]

Men are from Mars...

[KathyK]

Years ago I communicated by e-mail and phone with a man I met online. He lived in New York; I'm in Ohio. We were absolutely on the same wavelength. We liked the same things, understood many of the same obscure references, and had similar senses of humor. More than once he called my home phone when he knew I was a work and left lengthy, hilarious messages for my cat. Eventually, like after a few months, we decided it was time to meet, and he would come to visit. Because I didn't want him to think he would stay at my house (he really was a stranger, after all), I told him I'd be happy to make a hotel reservation nearby. He replied, "I'm a big boy! I'll make a reservation." Great. Came the big day, and nothing. No show, there was no hotel reservation, nothing. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

After a few days I called him and left this message: "Hi Robert. I'm calling to express my condolences to your family, because the only explanation for your not showing up is that you're either dead or in jail. I hope it's jail. Bye." I must say, I did feel a bit better, but you know what? It still hurts a little on the rare occasions that I think about it. The only good thing is that he didn't leave me holding the bag for a phone hotel reservation.

Men are definitely odd Martians.

[bascar]

Jebus, KathyK - that's awful.

[Literiding]

Years ago I communicated by e-mail and phone with a man I met online. He lived in New York; I'm in Ohio. We were absolutely on the same wavelength. We liked the same things, understood many of the same obscure references, and had similar senses of humor. More than once he called my home phone when he knew I was a work and left lengthy, hilarious messages for my cat. Eventually, like after a few months, we decided it was time to meet, and he would come to visit. Because I didn't want him to think he would stay at my house (he really was a stranger, after all), I told him I'd be happy to make a hotel reservation nearby. He replied, "I'm a big boy! I'll make a reservation." Great. Came the big day, and nothing. No show, there was no hotel reservation, nothing. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

After a few days I called him and left this message: "Hi Robert. I'm calling to express my condolences to your family, because the only explanation for your not showing up is that you're either dead or in jail. I hope it's jail. Bye." I must say, I did feel a bit better, but you know what? It still hurts a little on the rare occasions that I think about it. The only good thing is that he didn't leave me holding the bag for a phone hotel reservation.

Men are definitely odd Martians.

Same goes the other direction. I had a horsy lady that I use to spend hours on the phone with. We both had grown up in the same area and knew the same horsy pros. So after three or four months, I got a farm sitter and flew out to Denver from the East Coast. She decided I wasn't "it" and I was on an airplane home 24 hours later and that was the end of the matter. Still have not idea why it was cut off so abruptly.

Women are strange and incomprehensible.

[KathyK]

We are all odd, strange, and incomprehensible, aren't we?

[periastra]

I have decided that if DH should die I am just going to be a crazy cat lady .

[Rhianon]

I have decided that if DH should die I am just going to be a crazy cat lady .

You don't have to wait for DH to die to be a crazy cat lady.

Bascar, the guy's a ijit. Plain and simple.

[Sunny Santa Cruz]

He's in a relationship or married! Run

[KathyK]

Sunny Santa Cruz is probably right.

[fergusnc]

Unfortunately, that is actually a fairly common occurrence with people dating these days, myself included (before wonderful DH). Not sure if it's more common now, or we just hear about it more now. Happens to really cool and awesome people, no logic behind it. And it stinks. When I first started online dating it bugged the crap out of me how rude people could be, and how they avoided communication or seemingly led people on. I tried to figure it out…and gave up. And you are right…it is on him, not you…and it still hurts.

That said, I would also be thinking tragedy, because as cynical as I can be, I still shock myself by being a "benefit of the doubt" girl at my core. I will say, in college, I had started dating a guy I was crazy about. Things were going well. His friends told me I was sort of a unicorn, as this guy didn't keep a girlfriend, didn't talk about how cool a girl was, etc. Early on, I sat through a rugby game in the rain to watch him play, and when it was over, he literally walked up to my little group, looked at me, spoke to people around me, and turned on his heel and walked away. His friend/team mate (who I had met previously at a party I was taken to, and who was chatting with us) looked shocked…jaw literally dropped…then he gave me a very "I'm sorry" look. I grabbed my friend's arm, and said very clearly "OK, so looks like that is the end of that. Time to go." said a friendly good-bye to his friend and marched off. All of my friend's tried to make me feel better with "he's a jerk" reasons and talk me out of my pollyanna hopes…my scenario was maybe he didn't have his contacts in, you never know, there could be a good excuse, blah blah blah. I REALLY liked him, but I was still mad/hurt and deep down I assumed it was over…I did not contact him. Well two or three days later he called me. I was pretty chilly. He asked me why I hadn't come to watch him play in the recent game as I had promised him I would. He sounded a little disappointed. I went off a little bit…how I was there IN THE RAIN for the game, blah blah blah and what he did. Long pause. "Are you serious or messing with me?" he asked. I went off on him again. He reminded me of this really bloody guy on the other team. Sure, I saw him, what of it? (still with bitchy tones). Well apparently that blood happened right as we arrived just after the start of the game…I missed seeing the hit/my guy's head ramming into the guy's face at high speed and the opponent's resulting bloody head. (I did notice my guy's banged up face when I arrived, but that is standard in rugby). Turns out my guy sustained a pretty good concussion at that point, played anyway, and didn't remember at least half of the game…including seeing me. His friends took him to the hospital after the game due to him acting "off". I later confirmed with impartial people. It was all true. We kept dating. My friends were shocked that I had that 1 in a million story where the guy actually had a good excuse for what seemed like a no-brainer, jerk move.

[PaulaO]

I've been divorced for 12 years and haven't even thought about dating until recently (I'm talking like a month ago). Online matchups scare me. The only way I would date someone is if he was a friend of a friend. Of course that doesn't guarantee that he wouldn't be an idjit, but at least he probably wouldn't be a serial killer!

[WheresMyWhite]

I've been divorced for 12 years and haven't even thought about dating until recently (I'm talking like a month ago). Online matchups scare me. The only way I would date someone is if he was a friend of a friend. Of course that doesn't guarantee that he wouldn't be an idjit, but at least he probably wouldn't be a serial killer!

Don't count on it. How many times have you seen the interviews of the neighbors of serial killers who all say they seemed so normal

[Chancellor]

Bascar, Let me tell you one of many stories from my friend's online dating experiences. She talked to one guy via email for awhile. They seemed to have a lot in common and they agreed to meet at a local mall. He got into her car and proceeded to pull out two bras FROM HIS PANTS that he said he got for her. Then things got really weird.

Why am I telling you this? Because it can always be worse. My friend has had the absolute WORST luck with men and this is one of the tamer stories. If I didn't know her so well (I've known her since high school) I'd think she was lying about these stories. Seriously.

I do wonder too, if your guy was married...

[Racetrackreject]

Oh yes, it can always be worse.

Funny/scary story, depending on how you look at it. I had met this guy online and had been dating him for close to a year, I believe. He was in the Army and stationed in Texas from California (Whittier). Anyway, one night a large group of us decided that we are going to go bowling because we were tired of clubbing and doing the movie thing. This guy had an SUV, so he said that after he got out of the shower, he would clean it out so that we could put up the back seats and everyone could ride together in his vehicle.

My roommate and I took it upon ourselves to go clean out his car while he was in the shower. We went outside and swung open the rear doors to start pulling stuff out. The first thing we pulled out were large contractor trash bags. Ok, not too strange. Then we both reach in and I came out with a box of latex gloves and my roommate came out with a roll of duct tape. We both look at each other and laugh, then make comments about having a serial killer starter kit. When we pull up the floor compartment, to put the seats up, there is a quite large axe in the cubby with the spare tire. At this point our eyes get all saucer like and we just start shoving everything back into the car, then run in the house and try to pretend like we hadn't been out there.

When we asked the guy about the stuff in his car, he laughed and said that he could see how that looked odd, but that he had taken the axe out of his humvee to chop wood and that the gloves, trash bags, and duct tape were used to pack up stuff at the post. This guy was sweet and quite likable so it all seemed reasonable, but every once in a while he would make a comment that would send my roommate and I throwing OMG looks at each other.

COTH has a great thread about bad dates, you should check it out Bascar.

[TeresaB]

My bet would be he is married or in along term relationship. Got a bit bored and decicided to play the field just for fun to see what he could catch. He probably got caught and/or wised up.
Regardless, what a shit head and sorry it happened to you.

Now the pulled bras from his pants thing, I laughed so hard. What a weirdo. And what guy would even think a women would remotely consider wearing a bra that was in some guys pants?

[KathyK]

This thread reminded me, I haven't heard from any Nigerian Princes lately. Dating is hard.

[Chancellor]

My bet would be he is married or in along term relationship. Got a bit bored and decicided to play the field just for fun to see what he could catch. He probably got caught and/or wised up.
Regardless, what a shit head and sorry it happened to you.

Now the pulled bras from his pants thing, I laughed so hard. What a weirdo. And what guy would even think a women would remotely consider wearing a bra that was in some guys pants?

No kidding, right? And, another question, this was the first time they met in person. How would he know what size to get?

[KathyK]

My bet would be he is married or in along term relationship. Got a bit bored and decicided to play the field just for fun to see what he could catch. He probably got caught and/or wised up.
Regardless, what a shit head and sorry it happened to you.

Now the pulled bras from his pants thing, I laughed so hard. What a weirdo. And what guy would even think a women would remotely consider wearing a bra that was in some guys pants?

No kidding, right? And, another question, this was the first time they met in person. How would he know what size to get?

This guy was so clueless, he probably didn't even think about that.

[Mirabella]

Years ago I communicated by e-mail and phone with a man I met online. He lived in New York; I'm in Ohio. We were absolutely on the same wavelength. We liked the same things, understood many of the same obscure references, and had similar senses of humor. More than once he called my home phone when he knew I was a work and left lengthy, hilarious messages for my cat. Eventually, like after a few months, we decided it was time to meet, and he would come to visit. Because I didn't want him to think he would stay at my house (he really was a stranger, after all), I told him I'd be happy to make a hotel reservation nearby. He replied, "I'm a big boy! I'll make a reservation." Great. Came the big day, and nothing. No show, there was no hotel reservation, nothing. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

After a few days I called him and left this message: "Hi Robert. I'm calling to express my condolences to your family, because the only explanation for your not showing up is that you're either dead or in jail. I hope it's jail. Bye." I must say, I did feel a bit better, but you know what? It still hurts a little on the rare occasions that I think about it. The only good thing is that he didn't leave me holding the bag for a phone hotel reservation.

Men are definitely odd Martians.

Red flags here. No long distance dating and definitely talk on phone within a few days as the next screen and, if all goes well, then meet in-person asap - like within a few days to a week to avoid getting sucked into this scenario.

[periastra]

Have you ever watched "Catfish the TV Show" on MTV or VH1. It is about exposing online daters who are lying and exploiting people. The lengths some people will go to is quite shocking. Some people have multiple fake personas and are scamming several people for their own amusement. It is a weird, weird world.

[KathyK]

Years ago I communicated by e-mail and phone with a man I met online. He lived in New York; I'm in Ohio. We were absolutely on the same wavelength. We liked the same things, understood many of the same obscure references, and had similar senses of humor. More than once he called my home phone when he knew I was a work and left lengthy, hilarious messages for my cat. Eventually, like after a few months, we decided it was time to meet, and he would come to visit. Because I didn't want him to think he would stay at my house (he really was a stranger, after all), I told him I'd be happy to make a hotel reservation nearby. He replied, "I'm a big boy! I'll make a reservation." Great. Came the big day, and nothing. No show, there was no hotel reservation, nothing. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

After a few days I called him and left this message: "Hi Robert. I'm calling to express my condolences to your family, because the only explanation for your not showing up is that you're either dead or in jail. I hope it's jail. Bye." I must say, I did feel a bit better, but you know what? It still hurts a little on the rare occasions that I think about it. The only good thing is that he didn't leave me holding the bag for a phone hotel reservation.

Men are definitely odd Martians.

Red flags here. No long distance dating and definitely talk on phone within a few days as the next screen and, if all goes well, then meet in-person asap - like within a few days to a week to avoid getting sucked into this scenario.

I guess I see your point, but you know, you have read a condensed version of the story. When both people are working full time and live 450 miles apart, meeting within a few days is not usually feasible. That wasn't a red flag for me, and still wouldn't be. I had done something of a background check, new he was who he said he was, found him and his company and personal information, etc. on line.

[Abby Kogler]

Sometimes onlines end well >;-> In August 1999 when I was getting divorced, lived in NC but was planning on the girls and I moving back to SD where I grew up and where my parents were, I felt really overwhelmed about moving back, with kids, somewhere I had left in 1974. I went on LOVE AOL and other groups on AOL and wrote to people who sounded normal, male and female, and wrote Help! Where should I settle? What are the schools like now? etc. I got the nicest responses from many people with good advice and words of encouragement. Jurgen was one of the people who wrote back. It was just friendly and nice, where he lived and his take on SD. I kept up a correspondence with several of the people (and am still friends with several >;->) but his emails were particularly amusing. I was in no way interested in dating or any relationship. I always hated the idea of 'my moms boyfriend' and just wasn't going there. I was very closed and wary. Jurgen never asked for pictures or pressured me in any way. In December he asked if he could call me but I said no. He gave me his number in case I wanted to call him. One day I called when I knew he would be at work. His voice! OMG! He has this deep voice with a German accent. OMG!

Still though, didn't want to talk to him or meet him or have any relationship, although I was so amused by and was starting to look forward to his emails.

He was an oncologist and it was easy to find out about him. He had nothing creepy on line or anything. I had a physician friend and she said he had a good reputation and that she didn't know anything bad about him. Still though, the thought of meeting him or starting any kind of relationship after my failed marriage and with the girls, no. His girls were the same ages as mine and I thought well maybe he could be a nice friend and the girls could hang out.

I needed to plan a trip late January and told him I was coming. He had a friend from Germany going to Palm Springs to golf. He knew the Indio horse show was on and asked if I wanted to go, meet his friends and his wife, and go to the horse show. I totally wanted to go to the show. So I actually accepted. I flew in to LA to be with my sister, drove to SD to his house, saw him for the first time, we shook hands, I put my bags in his car, and we drove to Palm Springs. He had arranged for two rooms; it was all very chaste and respectable. I loved his friends, we went to the horse show, it was all very relaxed, no pressure, and I had a great time. I still laugh about it.

I saw him every month as I made trips to SD. In March he proposed but I said no. I moved back full time that July 2000. He proposed again Nov 3, and by then I was hooked and said yes. We got married Feb 9 2001. And here we are.

I think it was good that I was not looking for a relationship so had no expectations. I don't know. But long distance on line relationships *can* work >;->

[KathyK]

Aw, that's a great story. It sounds like Jurgen was smitten from the get-go.

[PaulaO]

I read SD as South Dakota. San Diego is MUCH nicer.

[Abby Kogler]

I read SD as South Dakota. San Diego is MUCH nicer.

Well, I am biased, but I have to agree. Although South Dakota has some amazing geography! But yes, San Diego is pretty great. Especially for horse peeps!

[boots-aregard]

Hahaha! I know Abby is in San Diego (area), but even reading that thing, I kept thinking, "How does a trip to South Dakota turn into a trip to Indio???" The pieces do not always fall into place when you want them to.

[Sunshine2Me]

Hahaha! I know Abby is in San Diego (area), but even reading that thing, I kept thinking, "How does a trip to South Dakota turn into a trip to Indio???" The pieces do not always fall into place when you want them to.

I'm there with you and PaulaO! Logistically, I couldn't see this happening!

[Racetrackreject]

I kept thinking, "How does a trip to South Dakota turn into a trip to Indio???" The pieces do not always fall into place when you want them to.

That was my exact thought too!

While my story is not as awesome as Abby's, I did meet my current SO online and we have been together for 3 years with plans to get married. We did talk online for quite a long time before we met, but we were part of the same online social/gaming group for a while. We were friends, then friends who flirt, etc.

[M&M]

Bascar, Let me tell you one of many stories from my friend's online dating experiences. She talked to one guy via email for awhile. They seemed to have a lot in common and they agreed to meet at a local mall. He got into her car and proceeded to pull out two bras FROM HIS PANTS that he said he got for her. Then things got really weird.

LMAO!

[Idofly]

With all my friends horror stories about dating in general these days...I'm afraid if the SO kicks the bucket I'm just going to keep thanking the powers that be for rechargeable Japanese technology.

[Koolkat]

Bascar, Let me tell you one of many stories from my friend's online dating experiences. She talked to one guy via email for awhile. They seemed to have a lot in common and they agreed to meet at a local mall. He got into her car and proceeded to pull out two bras FROM HIS PANTS that he said he got for her. Then things got really weird.

I wonder if they were shoplifted?

[Chancellor]

That is what we were thinking Koolkat...

[Rockabilly]

Bascar, Let me tell you one of many stories from my friend's online dating experiences. She talked to one guy via email for awhile. They seemed to have a lot in common and they agreed to meet at a local mall. He got into her car and proceeded to pull out two bras FROM HIS PANTS that he said he got for her. Then things got really weird.

I wonder if they were shoplifted?

Shoplifting sounds like the least of the problems with this guy.

[Tarlo Farm]

I love it when our discussions go off the Silly Train tracks!

Sorry Bascar, hope you're ok with it.

[bascar]

I love it when our discussions go off the Silly Train tracks!

Sorry Bascar, hope you're ok with it.

totally fine with it! I love knowing that I'm not riding the crazy train all alone

On the upside I've just started "talking" with two new guys. One has a guestranch in the middle of nowhere and the other breeds Appx. QHs for polo. Stay tuned....

[Chancellor]

So, then, here is another story from my friend.
She was talking to a guy for awhile online. He sounded pretty decent....UNTIL





He told her that he was actually interested in transgender females and was she by any chance a transgender. She said she was not. The conversation went on when he asked her to a nudist sex clinic weekend.

I'm telling you, I wouldn't believe this stuff if I didn't know her so well...

[TeresaB]

I'm rather intimidated by transgender females. The ones I have seen in person are really beautiful.

So, I would be torn between being flattered or freaked that someone thought I used to be a man. And seriously, not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just saying.

[scruffy the cat]

Transgender females/males are people who get up in the morning, same as you and me.

Freakazoids who ask too intimate questions and invite people to nudist sex clinics are more of a problem.

[Figgy]

I've never been able to do the online dating thing. Freaks me out. Great horror story from the workplace investigation team.

Got called in to investigate a guy for bullying in the office. So naturally they do a forensic on his computer. Turns out he's spending all his day at work on dating sites and writing profiles on escort sites. So the investigators get curious, online escorts and dating? What is the link.

The guy was a predator, he'd target young .vulnerable women via online dating sites, go out with them, convince them they loved him and then convince them to go on the game for him.

The investigators mana aged to talk to a couple of these wen and they were so wrapped up in this mans lies that they refused to believe the truth, that they were being manipulated.

As a IT lecturer friend says, in real life, you meet a person and their mannerisms and body language give you clues of their intent, online you only have their writing skills, it's easier to manipulate image.

I'd rather engage in sports and social activities and build a wider social support network than do online dating.

[carpevita]

When asked my reply is i MAY want to date by next year, but reading this makes me think nuh-uh, no way, not EVER!